Dear Care & Feeding: My In-Laws Called My Culture Backwards

[minoanmiss]

I am Indian, and my husband is white. His family lives a few hours away in a majority-white area of the state and are mostly liberal, but there have been times I’ve felt like they see me as the representative for every Indian ever, and it’s tiring. For example, his aunt has asked me multiple times what to cook for her son’s Indian friend, since she doesn’t want to “confuse him” with American food. Upon talking to her about him, I learned he was actually adopted from India and had lived here his whole life, and told her to just ask him his favorite food. Or I get relatives asking me if I naturally know yoga or can teach them how to make “authentic chai from my home country” (I’ve spent my whole life in the USA).

Whenever something like this happens, I’ve tried to explain why I’m not an expert on India, that it’s very diverse and multicultural, etc., because I felt like they were genuinely curious and didn’t know better, as many of them have spent their entire lives in mainly white places. I also try to remind myself that a lot of them are firm Democrats and are passionate about equality, they just… need more educating in some areas.

I’m currently six months pregnant with our first child (a girl) and was telling my MIL about the special earrings my family had sent from India. She said that it was sort of unfair to send a gift that couldn’t be used until the baby was much older, and I explained that these were for when she was 4 months old, the same age I had my ears pierced, and were designed so she wouldn’t grab them. My husband understands that this is culturally important to me. But MIL and her sister got very upset, and said that they couldn’t support a “sexist and backwards tradition” and it may have been “acceptable to harm babies” when I was little in India, but that they couldn’t allow it here.

I got very upset and started crying, and my husband and I left. His family have not apologized and have called me dramatic and told my husband they were “defending his daughter’s rights.” I am so angry with them, and I feel like telling my MIL and her sister that if they think I’m going to raise my daughter “backwards,” then they just don’t get to see her. My husband thinks I’m being too extreme, and says that his mom is just “older and has a different perspective on other cultures” and pointed out that she was never racist before, and she wasn’t trying to offend me. I still want to put my foot down, but I’m also kind of wondering if I went too far. I can’t get over her calling my culture backwards and insinuating that something safe and normal is some evil exotic practice. Would I be wrong to set some firm boundaries because of this, or am I being too emotional and overreacting?

—Setting Boundaries in Brooklyn

Dear Setting Boundaries,

I’m sure you’re aware of this now, but white liberals can be some of the most racist people in America. Just because they vote a certain way or have a “I’m so happy you’re my neighbor” sign written in multiple languages on their lawn doesn’t mean a damn thing if their actions aren’t aligned with equity. Yes, your relatives (and other white liberals) need more educating.

By the way, I chuckled when you wrote about your in-laws believing you’re an expert in “all things India.” The same thing happens quite often when clients ask, “Hey, Doyin, do you think the Black community will like this product?” Hell if I know. I’m just one guy, and you’re asking me to be the spokesperson for 13 percent of our nation’s population? Get outta here. I don’t know any white person alive who was tasked with speaking for all white people.

I digress.

In regard to your question, I know better than to recommend my first inclination, which would be to put double middle fingers in your mother-in-law’s face, since that wouldn’t be half as disrespectful as her behavior was toward you. Instead, you can politely thank her for her opinions, but let her know you’re going to do whatever you want for your baby.

Your husband needs to understand how serious it is to have your culture insulted while calling you a drama queen for being offended. If he loves you, he should stand beside you instead of brushing it off like it’s not a big deal. They denounced a part of you, which denounces a part of your daughter. That’s never OK.

No, you didn’t go too far. As a matter of fact, you didn’t go far enough. I would flat out tell them that if they don’t sincerely apologize for their words and behavior that they will not be able to see your baby in person. Sorry, but that’s the price for being xenophobic and racist.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

I am of course, furious and exasperated on LW's behalf. I spent years trying to be friends with people who made me swallow a thousand 'micro'aggressions and I remain thankful beyond belief that my sweetie has my back. I would be shattered by such a betrayal, especially while pregnant.

Because that's what this is on the husband's part, a betrayal. He has to understand that part of his job, being from the majority and most powerful ethnicity and married to a woman of a different ethnicity, is to stand up to his family and rebuke them when they are racist to her. Which they most spectacularly were (atop the kajillion 'micro'aggressions of "please represent all of India for us thank you" and the bullshit about how someone born and raised in the US would be 'confused' by American food. Did I mention this one pissed me off?)

And if he's unwilling to understand that, or deliberately refuses to understand that, I think he's going to keep breaking her heart and helping his family grind her down.

I would hate to recommend that a pregnant woman leave her home and partner except under the most dire of circumstances, but I foresee two decades of the husband's family trying to "Americanize" the daughter and undermine the LW at every turn. If they told her to her face that her culture is "backwards" why wouldn't they tell the child that what her mother feeds her is 'disgusting', for instance?

I'm really worried about LW. I deeply hope her husband can love her enough and open his mind enough to catch a very necessary clue, but his reaction here doesn't bode well.

[purlewe]

OOF this one is rough. I feel so bad for the LW. And I hope that she and her hubby get to a therapist that helps them make some decisions on how to deal with the family as a unit together as a team. Bc without both of them being on the same page, he is going to rub the salt in the wounds every time they do something as shitty as this over and over again.

[cimorene]

Wow, yeah. The husband just committed major partnerfail by not backing her up. It would be bad enough for him to be minimizing it if they HAD apologized or if she weren't pregnant, but all at once? I'm thinking couples counseling and ultimatums. Possibly mandatory reading lists.

[minoanmiss]

And the counselor has to be carefully chosen. I just worry that they'll end up with someone who has No Idea about racism and spends the time telling LW she's Overreacting.