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Dear Care and Feeding,
My sister and I have recently been arguing a lot. We are relatively close but are at different stages of life. I am married with four small kids and a husband, and she is recently divorced (after five years) without children. Now she’s dating again and tells me she’s not interested in having babies (husband or no). That’s fine and I want to support her, but here’s my dilemma. She is clinically depressed. She’s seeing a therapist and is taking medication but will text me things like “I have no joy in my life—what can I do to find some?” I’m not living a perfect life by any means (I recently underwent cancer treatment during a pregnancy while in a pandemic among other things) but I can say I’m pretty content, so I try to offer advice (she did ask, after all) and since my kids tend to bring me the most joy, I naturally have suggested that maybe being a mother would make her happy.
I understand that kids are not everyone’s cup of tea, but she’s not finding happiness in her job, her hobbies, her casual relationships, her friendships, or even her church group. Still, when I mention that babies bring joy, she blows up in anger. She went through a tough year of fertility treatments when she was still married and is convinced that that was enough trying for kids for her. So I’m at a loss as to what to say to help or comfort her at this point. I don’t want to be trite and say, “You’ll find something eventually” but I also don’t have the skills, knowledge, or, frankly, time to try to help her find her bliss. How can I be a supportive sister during her depression without spiraling down a dark hole with her? It feels like all I do is make her mad, which is frustrating. I don’t know what answer she’s looking for, but all of mine are wrong.
—No Answer in Newtown
People who are depressed don’t “find happiness”—not in their jobs, not in their hobbies, not in their relationships, not “even” in church. And not by making babies. And your sister isn’t asking for advice, even if it sounds that way. She’s letting you know—repeatedly, I’m guessing—that she feels awful, hopeless, bleak. She has a therapist who (I sorely hope) has the skills and knowledge to help her, so that’s not what she needs from you. She just needs to know you’re still there. That you love her. “I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad. I feel for you. I love you” would be a much better response than either telling her what will fix her (it won’t) or promising that some vague something will (which you already know won’t). If you’d like more help figuring out how to respond to her, you might take a look at this article on how to talk to someone who is depressed. I know it isn’t easy or uncomplicated to love and support someone who is seriously depressed, but if you care about her, you’ll make time for her when she needs you, and you’ll reassure her that she’s not alone in the world, even if she feels she is. That’s really about the only thing you can assure her of, assuming that it’s true.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/05/mom-feels-like-shes-drowning-care-and-feeding.html
My sister and I have recently been arguing a lot. We are relatively close but are at different stages of life. I am married with four small kids and a husband, and she is recently divorced (after five years) without children. Now she’s dating again and tells me she’s not interested in having babies (husband or no). That’s fine and I want to support her, but here’s my dilemma. She is clinically depressed. She’s seeing a therapist and is taking medication but will text me things like “I have no joy in my life—what can I do to find some?” I’m not living a perfect life by any means (I recently underwent cancer treatment during a pregnancy while in a pandemic among other things) but I can say I’m pretty content, so I try to offer advice (she did ask, after all) and since my kids tend to bring me the most joy, I naturally have suggested that maybe being a mother would make her happy.
I understand that kids are not everyone’s cup of tea, but she’s not finding happiness in her job, her hobbies, her casual relationships, her friendships, or even her church group. Still, when I mention that babies bring joy, she blows up in anger. She went through a tough year of fertility treatments when she was still married and is convinced that that was enough trying for kids for her. So I’m at a loss as to what to say to help or comfort her at this point. I don’t want to be trite and say, “You’ll find something eventually” but I also don’t have the skills, knowledge, or, frankly, time to try to help her find her bliss. How can I be a supportive sister during her depression without spiraling down a dark hole with her? It feels like all I do is make her mad, which is frustrating. I don’t know what answer she’s looking for, but all of mine are wrong.
—No Answer in Newtown
People who are depressed don’t “find happiness”—not in their jobs, not in their hobbies, not in their relationships, not “even” in church. And not by making babies. And your sister isn’t asking for advice, even if it sounds that way. She’s letting you know—repeatedly, I’m guessing—that she feels awful, hopeless, bleak. She has a therapist who (I sorely hope) has the skills and knowledge to help her, so that’s not what she needs from you. She just needs to know you’re still there. That you love her. “I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad. I feel for you. I love you” would be a much better response than either telling her what will fix her (it won’t) or promising that some vague something will (which you already know won’t). If you’d like more help figuring out how to respond to her, you might take a look at this article on how to talk to someone who is depressed. I know it isn’t easy or uncomplicated to love and support someone who is seriously depressed, but if you care about her, you’ll make time for her when she needs you, and you’ll reassure her that she’s not alone in the world, even if she feels she is. That’s really about the only thing you can assure her of, assuming that it’s true.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/05/mom-feels-like-shes-drowning-care-and-feeding.html
no subject
No, you're right, that's 1000% out of line. It seems like they're both in a shitty place and are saying harmful things to the ones they love. I'm trying to have empathy for how much we've all lost the ability to have basic human interaction in the last year, but that's a shitty thing to say.