agonyaunt | Ask a Manager: my new hire is too attractive for me to manage her

I feel like a bad manager for even asking this question, but I find one of the new hires assigned to me to be amazingly attractive. I would never act on it, or do or say anything unprofessional, but I find it unbelievably distracting. When I look at the coaching and 1:1 work I do with my other employees, I outright KNOW I will be uncomfortable doing that with this new hire.

I fully realize that the fault is entirely mine. The new person has done nothing wrong. However, I also know it would be much better for that employee if they worked for someone else.

The question is, how do I tell my manager that I’d prefer this employee be managed by one of our other team leaders? (There are several of us who manage very similar teams so it’s not like the new employee would have a manger who knew nothing about their work area.) Obviously it would be VERY unprofessional to say, “Hey, can you move S to another team because I find them too attractive and distracting.” Or should I say nothing, be professional, and hope the feeling passes with time?

I’m skeptical that you can’t find a way to move past the fact that she’s attractive and manage her just like you would any other employee. We deal with attractive people in our lives all the time and generally we manage to get past whatever initial distracting glow they might have and treat them like normal humans … because they are in fact just fellow humans. Can you really not do that?

Your letter doesn’t indicate that you’ve even tried yet! You say you know you will be uncomfortable doing coaching and one-on-one work with her … which sounds like you haven’t attempted it? If I’m reading correctly and “I need to move her to another team” was your immediate, off-the-cuff reaction … that is a bad first reaction. Where’s the part where you try to hold yourself to a higher standard? Would it not make sense to get to know her as a colleague — to spend some time interacting with her as an employee rather than just deciding right off the bat you can’t?

Keep in mind there are disadvantages to her if she’s moved: she’s presumably already begun getting comfortable on your team and forming relationships there, and how exactly would the move be explained to her and to others? What if the next manager finds her attractive too? Do we just keep shuffling her around, or do we expect managers to pull it together and carry on?

This is a you problem, not a her problem, and it’s not fair to let it affect her work life.

Plus, what happens the next time you have an attractive team member — do they get moved too?

If you really can’t make yourself treat this employee fairly, then you’re right that it might be in her best interest to be moved to another manager. But that would be a profound failure on your part if that happens!

I’m torn on what to advise you, because I certainly don’t want this woman stuck working for someone who’s stuck on her looks and who won’t give her the same access and coaching you give to others … but moving her sucks too.

You really need to solve this on your side — hold yourself to a higher standard and figure out a way to make her looks irrelevant to you. If you can’t do that, I think you have to question if you should be managing a team at all.

(I don’t mean that as hyperbole and I don’t even mean it in a scoldy way, really. I mean it literally. You’re seriously considering upending someone’s work life because you find her hot! What about the next person you’re uncomfortable with — whether it’s because they’re super attractive or uncomfortably disfigured or much older than you or much younger than you or a different socioeconomic class or they remind you of an ex or have a grating voice? You’re either committed to trying to manage people fairly and equitably without that stuff sidetracking you … or you’re not.)

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I have not tagged this sexism because in the comments Alison said that the gender of the beautiful employee was not specified -- Alison uses 'she/her' as default pronouns. So to amuse myself I'm fancasting Matt Bomer as the beautiful employee. (Even though I'd bet $5 they're female.)

I did read this and I was like: WTF??? Bc this is ridiculous.

On the off-chance that this is legit, and, IDK, their alpha pheromones just triggered your omega bonding instincts in a biologically inexorable way: the problem here is that *you* can't do you job around them. Therefore, if someone needs to switch jobs, it's *you*. Am I missing something?

ahahaahahahahaaha i was not expecting A/B/O but it works perfectly.

**applause**

Right on the nose!

...

:D

THIS. And further: if you can't deal functionally, you maybe need to consider whether you're management material. Or start getting whatever you need in place to be able to deal better in future. Therapy? Some reading on feminism, sexual harassment, or toxic monogamy? Whatever gets you there!

My current pain doc is hot AF. Just gorgeous. And when she started being my doctor, I had a deeply uncomfortable first appointment, and then I went home, and made the most conscious mental shift I have ever made, constructing a no-no box and moving her into it. It wasn't easy! But it was non-optional; she's a great doctor and I wasn't going to find anyone else as good.

After a few visits and a lot of practice and mental work I had moved her to where she is now, which is great doctor, quite lovely if you think about it, and also by the way a marvelously nice person.

It can be done, it just takes work. Alison is right; the LW needs to make the effort.

Because if the new employee gets shifted to a position with any less chance of promotion, high-quality mentoring, career advancement, or professional development, then that's a big old bag of lawsuit.

Ask a Manager: my new hire is too attractive for me to manage her

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