Dear Care & Feeding: Black Kids' Hair

[minoanmiss]

I’m a white woman married to a Black man, and we have a beautiful 9-year-old daughter together. Our family would eat at a local restaurant for breakfast every Saturday morning prior to the pandemic, and now that things are starting to get back to normal, we decided to go back there last weekend for the first time in over a year. My husband couldn’t attend, so it was just me and my daughter. Everything was going fine until a white man who is a regular at this restaurant stopped by our booth and ran his fingers through my daughter’s thick curly hair and mentioned how beautiful it was. My daughter and I were shocked, but we didn’t say anything.

When I came home and told my husband, he was furious. He was so mad that I had to physically restrain him from going to the restaurant to knock the guy out. Is my husband overreacting? I thought the guy crossed the line, but it’s not like his intentions were malicious. We see him at this restaurant often, and he’s a very nice man. I know that it’s not politically correct to touch a Black girl’s hair, but now I’m worried that my husband has anger issues that I’m unaware of. I have never seen him that angry in the 13 years we’ve been together and he’s still angry about the incident today. How can I talk him off the ledge? Please help!

—Hair Despair

Dear Hair Despair,

Let’s say you were out at the same restaurant and you were pregnant. Now imagine the same dude approached you and rubbed your belly without permission. Would you be cool with that? According to your logic, his intentions weren’t malicious or creepy — so why should it matter? Actually, you should just let any random dude with good intentions rub your belly without asking. If that sounds ridiculous, it’s because it is ridiculous. Strangers shouldn’t be randomly touching anyone — pandemic or not.

The situation with your daughter is way worse because she’s a child, and the fact that you’re dismissing this situation shows that you’re painfully clueless about what it’s like to be a person of color in America. I don’t know your husband personally, but the one thing we have in common is we are both Black men with mixed-race daughters. About four years ago, I was at an aquarium with my girls and a white dude started groping my youngest daughter’s hair. I didn’t get physical with him, but I definitely caused a scene that put my anger in full display of everyone within 50 feet of me. The white man didn’t apologize and thought that I was “overreacting” and being “excessively angry.” Sound familiar?

The reason your husband and I were so upset is due to the dehumanization Black people have endured throughout American history and still endure today. These two white men treated our daughters like zoo animals meant to satisfy their curiosity. In their minds, no permission was needed because our daughters didn’t deserve the dignity of permission. On the flipside, could you imagine what would happen if I was at a restaurant and ran my fingers though the blonde hair of some random white girl? How do you think that would have ended for me?

For my entire life I’ve dealt with white people dehumanizing me overtly or through micro-aggressions. When it happened to my child at the aquarium, I snapped. Your husband snapped, too. Why? Because we love our kids so damn much that we want to do whatever it takes to protect them from the racism we’ve suffered through. A good partner would approach the situation with the same energy, but instead you’re making excuses for a stranger. It’s an awful look.

So, no—your husband doesn’t have a problem with anger, he has a problem with racism. I’m all for your husband being as firm as he needs to be with the guy at the restaurant without being physically violent with him. People like that guy need to understand how incredibly disrespectful it is to do what he did to your child, and apparently you do too.

—Doyin

Comments

[lilysea]

p.s. Also, I live in a non-US country in an area with VERY few Black women of African ancestry with natural curly hair - the few Black women who live in my area mainly have straightened hair, braids/plaits, or wear hijab/other religious hair coverings.

and nonetheless I learned many many years ago from books, short stories, and the internet that it is NEVER okay to touch a Black woman's hair without asking

and that even ASKING to touch a Black woman's hair is an aggression unless you are very close friends/dating

This man, who it sounds like is living in the US? He has NO excuse for being ignorant of this, which means it was an act of malicious indifference...