I am, I think, a little more sympathetic to LW than most of you. Like, I believe there is a moral difference between "I don't want to become a parent" and "I will not take in this already-existing child, who is already independent enough to visit me for several days in a row, even if the alternative is for him to be alone among strangers." I would like to think that if any of my friends I cared about were at risk of homelessness, and I had the ability to give them a stable place to stay long enough to get them on their feet, I would, regardless of age, even if it was hard, and I would like to think my friends would do the same. And kudos to LW for trying to make these arrangements in advance - too many parents don't, because it *is* a very hard thing to ask of someone.
Of course, it is also very shitty to tell someone, in advance, "If I die and you haven't already agreed to take my kid in, they will be left homeless and alone among strangers". That's emotional blackmail AT BEST, even if it's true. And also sometimes the unyielding answer is that they *don't* have the capacity to take someone in - financial, logistical, emotional, physical - leaving aside all of the other EXTREMELY SHITTY things LW said about their "friend" in this letter, that makes one wonder if they even are a good enough friend to them for that kind of expectation.
LW: If there really isn't anyone else in your son's life you would feel comfortable designating as guardian, you need to increase your own support network, and his. Pandemic makes that extra hard, I know. Even if you don't have any family you're interested in him building connections with, you can reach out in other directions. Does he have any friends whose parents you could trust with him? (If not, why not??) Even if you aren't interested in either direction in having a relationship with his father, could you reach out to grandparents, aunts or uncles on that side? (Those are people he might go to if his father couldn't take him and he didn't have any other designated guardian - so if they're open to it, it's probably worth at least opening a line of communication, at least enough to find out if any of them are good people, and enough for him to know who they are.) Do you have other friends? Can you find a religious or community group to start building connections through? Get to know your neighbors?
Of course, given what LW says about their "best friend" in this letter, it seems likely that they have actively driven away all the other adults in their life due to being shitty to them (and possibly best friend *does* have issues with not feeling worthy of love, given that they're still friends with LW...) so the first step is probably to work on your own issues enough to have friends, and to learn to be a better friend to the one you have (hint: you are doing a very bad job at it right now.)
If, after doing all that, you still think this friend is the best choice as guardian, you can think about asking again, but this time, remember that they don't want to be a parent, and don't ask them to be one! Your son probably won't want a new mom at that point in his life anyway. Instead ask them if they'd be willing to take in your child temporarily in an emergency situation. And look deeply into what might be involved, logistically and legally (that is different from just "become a parent!") if the friend did become guardian - and talk it over with them on those terms, so that what you are asking becomes a little more concrete for both of you.
Are they already set up as an emergency contact for your son if you are temporarily unable to care for him? If not, would they be willing to do that at least? (You should also have something like that set up if you don't already! The odds that you will end up sick or separated in an emergency are at least as high as that you'll die, and you don't want him sent to his dad while you're in the hospital just because the state thinks that's best.) Would they be willing to be designated as a temporary "non-related kinship care" foster parent if you died, with help from the state, until a permanent situation was found for him? What can you do in advance to set that up? Etc.
And they may not want to agree to any of it - not even being on the list to pick the kid up from school - because they don't want to be a parent. And also because, LW, I'm kind of getting a vibe from you that you are trying to make this person a coparent already. It's very nice to have coparents. I believe every kid should have as many coparents as possible. But trying to sneak someone in as ongoing coparent without even asking is also very different from asking them to help you out in a horrible situation, and they can probably tell the difference.
P.S.: Most women don't have to be capable of maintaining relationships in order to acquire a kid. You're proof of that! If she wanted one enough to be a single parent she would have one already.
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Of course, it is also very shitty to tell someone, in advance, "If I die and you haven't already agreed to take my kid in, they will be left homeless and alone among strangers". That's emotional blackmail AT BEST, even if it's true. And also sometimes the unyielding answer is that they *don't* have the capacity to take someone in - financial, logistical, emotional, physical - leaving aside all of the other EXTREMELY SHITTY things LW said about their "friend" in this letter, that makes one wonder if they even are a good enough friend to them for that kind of expectation.
LW: If there really isn't anyone else in your son's life you would feel comfortable designating as guardian, you need to increase your own support network, and his. Pandemic makes that extra hard, I know. Even if you don't have any family you're interested in him building connections with, you can reach out in other directions. Does he have any friends whose parents you could trust with him? (If not, why not??) Even if you aren't interested in either direction in having a relationship with his father, could you reach out to grandparents, aunts or uncles on that side? (Those are people he might go to if his father couldn't take him and he didn't have any other designated guardian - so if they're open to it, it's probably worth at least opening a line of communication, at least enough to find out if any of them are good people, and enough for him to know who they are.) Do you have other friends? Can you find a religious or community group to start building connections through? Get to know your neighbors?
Of course, given what LW says about their "best friend" in this letter, it seems likely that they have actively driven away all the other adults in their life due to being shitty to them (and possibly best friend *does* have issues with not feeling worthy of love, given that they're still friends with LW...) so the first step is probably to work on your own issues enough to have friends, and to learn to be a better friend to the one you have (hint: you are doing a very bad job at it right now.)
If, after doing all that, you still think this friend is the best choice as guardian, you can think about asking again, but this time, remember that they don't want to be a parent, and don't ask them to be one! Your son probably won't want a new mom at that point in his life anyway. Instead ask them if they'd be willing to take in your child temporarily in an emergency situation. And look deeply into what might be involved, logistically and legally (that is different from just "become a parent!") if the friend did become guardian - and talk it over with them on those terms, so that what you are asking becomes a little more concrete for both of you.
Are they already set up as an emergency contact for your son if you are temporarily unable to care for him? If not, would they be willing to do that at least? (You should also have something like that set up if you don't already! The odds that you will end up sick or separated in an emergency are at least as high as that you'll die, and you don't want him sent to his dad while you're in the hospital just because the state thinks that's best.) Would they be willing to be designated as a temporary "non-related kinship care" foster parent if you died, with help from the state, until a permanent situation was found for him? What can you do in advance to set that up? Etc.
And they may not want to agree to any of it - not even being on the list to pick the kid up from school - because they don't want to be a parent. And also because, LW, I'm kind of getting a vibe from you that you are trying to make this person a coparent already. It's very nice to have coparents. I believe every kid should have as many coparents as possible. But trying to sneak someone in as ongoing coparent without even asking is also very different from asking them to help you out in a horrible situation, and they can probably tell the difference.
P.S.: Most women don't have to be capable of maintaining relationships in order to acquire a kid. You're proof of that! If she wanted one enough to be a single parent she would have one already.