Dear Prudence: Help! My Boyfriend Says I’m “Only an 8.5.”

[minoanmiss]

He says he’s happy to settle, but I don’t know how to feel about it.



I’ve been with my boyfriend for about six months. He’s been wonderful with my 4-year-old son (who has started calling him daddy!), and we recently started living together. The problem is he just told me he considers me only an 8.5 on the hotness scale and doesn’t think our sex life is the best he’s ever had but that he’s happy to settle based on the whole package. I think we’re very well-matched (hotness-wise), but I don’t compare him to other men in that way. I’ve also tried to improve our sex life, without much luck. My question is: How should I feel about his revelation? Do I deserve more from a partner, in terms of feeling sexy and loved? Or should I stick with it for the sake of my son?


I’m trying to imagine how this came up in conversation. “Darling, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, and I’m so happy to be able to tell you … you’re a solid 8.5 out of 10. Very nearly a 9. I understand if you want to take a minute and call your parents. Also, I’ve had better sex in the past. I won’t bother you with the details but … it’s been better. I’m not going to dump you over it. It’s definitely good enough for me. Anyhow. An 8.5. A solid 8.5.” I don’t think it’s a requirement that a happy, fulfilling relationship also provide the best sex of all time, but I do think it’s incredibly odd and casually cruel that your partner thinks it’s necessary to a) rank you on a 10-point scale of hotness, b) inform you of your ranking, and c) describe your sex life as something he’s “happy to settle for.”

It sounds like your boyfriend is interested in making sure you feel like you’re not quite good enough and that he’s doing you a favor by overlooking your physical and sexual inadequacies. These are some deeply damaging and manipulative games he’s playing. Meeting your child and moving in together at six months is awfully fast. I don’t think it should be a point of pride that your son has taken to calling him “daddy” so quickly. You deserve more from a partner, and your son deserves more from a potential co-parent. A longer screening period will go a long way towards protecting both you and your child from guys like this.—Danny M. Lavery

Comments

[twospots]

I mean... as I mentioned above, my partner and I discuss this reasonably often. Contexts have included:

- General discussion of pros & cons of our relationship. We both have previous relationships where the cons were dealbreakers. We both care that we're attracted to our partner, but definitely don't care whether they're objectively attractive or a "10".

- Discussion of past relationships, and what attracted our partners to those relationships.

- We're both aware that human interaction is performance, to a certain extent, and that attractiveness, among many other things, affects that. We find this interesting in itself, and we also discuss the choices we make about it.

- We both have work experience in industries where attractiveness was a contributing factor to success.

- Discussion of bodies (eg body image, or how fitness is affecting body shape).

And that's only my current partner. I'm pretty sure this topic has come up with most partners I've had?

(I also don't think that saying that "the sex isn't the best I've ever had" is the same as saying that it's so-so or in any way unsatisfying.)

(Given the way it's left her feeling, I think the guy is probably a douche. But I don't think that the topics are inherently insulting.)

[minoanmiss]

All of these are sensible mutual conversational topics as long as everyone involved is comfortable with them but the idea of giving one's partner a single number score (how can one sum a whole human being up into one number?) and saying one is "ok with settling" for them gives me hives.