Dear Prudence: Help! My Boyfriend Says I’m “Only an 8.5.”

[minoanmiss]

He says he’s happy to settle, but I don’t know how to feel about it.



I’ve been with my boyfriend for about six months. He’s been wonderful with my 4-year-old son (who has started calling him daddy!), and we recently started living together. The problem is he just told me he considers me only an 8.5 on the hotness scale and doesn’t think our sex life is the best he’s ever had but that he’s happy to settle based on the whole package. I think we’re very well-matched (hotness-wise), but I don’t compare him to other men in that way. I’ve also tried to improve our sex life, without much luck. My question is: How should I feel about his revelation? Do I deserve more from a partner, in terms of feeling sexy and loved? Or should I stick with it for the sake of my son?


I’m trying to imagine how this came up in conversation. “Darling, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, and I’m so happy to be able to tell you … you’re a solid 8.5 out of 10. Very nearly a 9. I understand if you want to take a minute and call your parents. Also, I’ve had better sex in the past. I won’t bother you with the details but … it’s been better. I’m not going to dump you over it. It’s definitely good enough for me. Anyhow. An 8.5. A solid 8.5.” I don’t think it’s a requirement that a happy, fulfilling relationship also provide the best sex of all time, but I do think it’s incredibly odd and casually cruel that your partner thinks it’s necessary to a) rank you on a 10-point scale of hotness, b) inform you of your ranking, and c) describe your sex life as something he’s “happy to settle for.”

It sounds like your boyfriend is interested in making sure you feel like you’re not quite good enough and that he’s doing you a favor by overlooking your physical and sexual inadequacies. These are some deeply damaging and manipulative games he’s playing. Meeting your child and moving in together at six months is awfully fast. I don’t think it should be a point of pride that your son has taken to calling him “daddy” so quickly. You deserve more from a partner, and your son deserves more from a potential co-parent. A longer screening period will go a long way towards protecting both you and your child from guys like this.—Danny M. Lavery

Comments

[minoanmiss]

First reaction: [redacted]
Second reaction: this reminded me of an essay written by a Finn which I read recently, where they quoted a friend as saying "The problem with Americans is that they haven't seen their grandmothers' tits". By which they and the friend meant, because Finns go to the saunas and so on with family members, they see how normal human bodies age and sag. Without that experience, many people (including men involved with women) compare their partners' bodies to the only other people they've seen naked, porn and other actors, who are not average people. So they become disappointed when ordinary people (including women involved with men) don't look or stay looking like those very particular examples.

Food for thought.

Also, [more redaction].

[cereta]

1. Holy shit, what an asshole.

2. If a girlfriend who is an "8.5/10" isn't good enough for you, buddy, you have a very, very high opinion of himself.

3. Asshole.

4. What is he doing to improve their sex life?

5. Having your child call a man you have only met "daddy" is a recipe for future therapy. Also, while I absolutely believe that there are successful blended families (my sister's is one), statistically, the most dangerous person in a child's life is an unrelated man living in the same house. Six months? WTF?

5. Also, dude is an asshole. Get out now before he starts berating your child for getting a B.

[mommy]

1st thought: Does this guy want to get dumped?

2nd thought: 8.5 is actually really high on the subjective 10-scale, but that's still not something that should be said to your partner.

3rd thought: I hope this woman dumps this guy.

[twospots]

Huh. This is kind of fascinating because... it highlights how very much the WAY the conversation happens matters.

My partner and I have had very similar conversations, in a very healthy way. We've frankly discussed how neither of us is The Very Best Or Hottest in most areas, but we are definitely a very good Whole Package for each other. We've happily laughed about our flaws, and the ways we are distinctly average, and praised each others' strengths, and discussed the things we appreciate about each other. These kinds of discussions are, in fact, part of what makes our relationship so strong.

25% of me wonders if this guy was... trying to achieve that, and failing. But probably he was just being an asshole.

[teaotter]

Anyone who implies that they are "settling" for their partner should be immediately dumped. If they do not feel immensely lucky to have LW in their life, they are not worth living with, much less raising a child with.

I mostly like the advice, but they could've been a bit more careful: "that he’s doing you a favor by overlooking your some physical and sexual inadequacies imperfections."

[conuly]

Wow. Wow. WOW.

Like, it's okay to think, honestly, that your partner is not THE VERY HOTTEST PERSON in the world. And it *might* be okay to say that, I guess, in some context where it's okay. I don't know what that context is, but sure.

It's not okay to then frame this as "I'm willing to settle because you have a great personality", especially with "And you're only so-so on the sex front".

[starfleetbrat]

"Do I deserve more from a partner, in terms of feeling sexy and loved?"

Hell yes.

"Or should I stick with it for the sake of my son?"

Hell no.

[green_grrl]

“Wow, it took me far too long to learn your personality was a 2 out of 10. And since you’re not even working on our sex life, well, you’re not the complete package I was looking for. Kid and I will be moving out now.”

[sporky_rat]

I need to put Whole Man Disposal Services on speed dial.

[lemonsharks]

All judgment of the boyfriend aside (AND THERE IS PLENTY), I am SERIOUSLY sideying the LW for bringing a man she has know for six months into her barely more than a toddler's life.

At six months into the relationship this dude should not even have MET the son, let alone being called "daddy."

And with the way he's begging the LW I do not trust him for 5 seconds to not get abusive with the kid.