agonyaunt | Dear Care & Feeding: I Don't Want My Wife To Be a SAHM

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Dear Care & Feeding: I Don't Want My Wife To Be a SAHM

Before the baby, she was ambitious. What happened?

I am a new father to a beautiful 10-month-old girl. My wife’s company has a generous maternity leave policy, and she has been at home with our daughter since the birth and is scheduled to go back to work just after her first birthday in January. She recently told me she doesn’t want to go back to her job and would like to be a stay-at-home parent instead. I asked her why, and she said she enjoys being a mother too much to leave our daughter to go back to work when she doesn’t need to. This is such a departure from our plans before the baby was born. She has a good job that she enjoyed before going on leave, and had always been adamant that she wanted to continue working even after becoming a mom. We met when we worked at the same company many years ago, and one of the things I was most attracted to was her ambition and tenacity. It’s really surprising to hear that her career isn’t that important to her anymore.

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Honestly, I don’t want her to quit her job. She earns about the same as I do, and while we could make ends meet on my income alone, it would impact our ability to save, and we’d need to give up one of our cars and cut way back on “extras” that make life more enjoyable. I also just … don’t want a stay-at-home wife. I really admired my wife for her work ethic, and I want her to set a good example for our daughter, too. Seeing her give up like this is really disappointing.

I gently asked her if she thought her change in attitude could be related to a possible mental health issue or postpartum depression, but she didn’t take that well. She says she only cares about our daughter and that’s where all her energy needs to go right now, and that if I love her, I will let her do this. I do love my wife, and I’m not interested in divorce, but I’m seeing a whole new side of her that I just don’t like or admire. What should I do?

—Suddenly the Breadwinner

Dear StB,

I understand this is a jarring about-face from your wife’s past position on working. I’m not discounting the financial consequences of giving up nearly half the family income, or the great satisfaction many people draw from their careers. I hope that your wife takes the opportunity to talk this through with anyone she needs or wants to talk to before making a decision. Of course there could be other factors at play, like postpartum anxiety, and it would be hard for her and for all of you if she wound up regretting this choice later.

But based on what you shared, I think perhaps you’re looking at this question in a rather reductive, self-focused kind of way, and without a lot of information about why your wife feels the way she does. The decision to be a stay-at-home parent, if one is privileged enough to have the option (and if it’s not forced on them due to under- or unemployment or a pandemic that’s closed school buildings across the country), is obviously complex and different for everyone, and it’s not as though this country gives parents the best options or support. Having a stay-at-home parent might not be the most practical decision in your family’s case—and I also hear that you’ve always admired your wife’s ambition, which is no bad thing. But it seems unnecessarily harsh to refer to her possibly not returning to work as her “giv[ing] up,” and to imply that it means she would no longer be setting a good example for your child. I’m also concerned that you’d admit to admiring and even liking her less based on this choice.

Few of us remain exactly the same, maintain the same desires and goals, or feel fulfilled by the exact same things over the course of a lifetime. A hallmark of a good marriage or long-term relationship is when it proves safe ground for one or both people to change—sometimes change a great deal—without losing their partner’s support, respect, or love.

You say you love and want to stay with your wife. So try to understand her better and judge her less, especially at a time when both your lives have already drastically changed with new parenthood. Be patient and supportive as the two of you discuss how she’s feeling and what she really wants. The decision to remain in her current job or not is ultimately hers—just as you’d want to be the one to decide whether you stay in your job. If you value both your wife and your child, you should also be ready and able to value the significant labor she’ll put into caring for your child if she does become a SAHM.

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I bet the LW would be really surprised to see me tag this with sexism. He's not a sexist! He supports women who want to work! He doesn't want to see his wife waste her intelligence by staying home to do nothing!

Nothing except caring for their child, that is. Which is actually also hard and not unintellligent work. If she, as the intelligent person he loves and married, has run the numbers and thinks it would be a better use of her time and efforts to stay home longer, I think he should at least actually listen to her, which I don't think he's done yet.

Reading this letter made me think of a few things, really.

1) This makes it a lot clearer why it's so hard in US society for many mothers to go back to work once their kids are at school, if they're being judged by people who take staying at home as some kind of Final Abandonment Of Having A Career as LW seems to be doing. I can just imagine how he'd influence a hiring committee when looking at someone's 6 year resume gap after having a child.

2) He's not seeing his wife as staying home for however long (3 more years? 5 more?) but as Becoming a SAHM, changing her identity and Giving Up On Ever Having A Career Again. I really want to know if she told him she is Never Working Again As Long As She Lives or if she wants to stay home for two or three more years. I also want to know how well she's conceptualized that to herself.

3) childcare for little kids can cost so much it can be cheaper to stay home. Did he include that in his calculations?

4) the bit about her becoming a bad role model for their daughter made me see red, I must say.

Last but not least, "I gently asked her if she thought her change in attitude could be related to a possible mental health issue or postpartum depression, but she didn’t take that well." also made me see red. Dismissing someone's thought out plans and opinions as biological malfunctions because that person is female, well, there's a word for that. It makes it fraught, of course, because both cited illnesses are also things that happen to people, but absent any other symptoms.... yeah.

Anyway, good luck, LW's wife, and if and when you're ready to rejoin the workforce there are resources out there for you. And as a functional person in the world you're a good role model for your daughter no matter your career, not least if you model how to shape one's career around one's life rather than squeezing into predetermined templates that don't fit.

Yeah, I saw red too. So many awful implications and assumptions baked into this letter it's almost funny. Love reading that what someone REALLY likes about their partner is their partner's determination to work full time under any circumstances and continue owning two cars while they "just don't" like or admire the no doubt totally ungendered and value neutral life choices of voluntarily spending any time on childcare that you could have spent earning money!

3) childcare for little kids can cost so much it can be cheaper to stay home. Did he include that in his calculations?

Doesn't sound like it. He seems more concerned that there won't be money for savings or "extras" if she stays at home. That may still be the case if she goes back to work. Imho the real problem is that the LW harbours some very troubling assumptions about SAHMs that he needs to examine.

I'm tired and cranky today. I just want to shake LW until he stops being a jerk.

Oh no! How horrible! My wife wants to stay at home and do the early learning foundation instead of outsourcing it! I've helped do the numbers and letters and repeating single syllable words over and over while the kid learns to talk. It's some of the most rewarding and tedious work there is.

The line about how they'd have to downsize to only one car sounds like it's punitive. If she wants to stay at home, then she can stay at home. Never mind there are doctors appointments and groceries and errands to run or parks to visit or mommy & me programs to attend. Funny how they've managed to have two cars while on maternity leave no problem but can't do that if she isn't working.

I wonder what's changed in the wife's department while she's been on maternity leave and if any of those changes are affecting her decision to stay home with the baby.

Funny how they've managed to have two cars while on maternity leave no problem but can't do that if she isn't working.

The maternity leave may have been PAID maternity leave

or they may have been using up their savings to cover the maternity leave, but don't have enough savings to cover 2 cars for say 3 years...

I've got US blinders for maternity leave where it's often unpaid. Also I was very cranky this morning and felt like picking at stupid stuff.

Both parents employed requires a lot of support structure, planning, and flexibility--it's incredibly difficult to find good trusted safe childcare in the best of times, much less during a pandemic that's hit that sector like a gut punch.

The fact that he's surprised by her decision to stay at home for an additional TBD period tells me he hasn't been involved in ANY of the groundwork putting together said logistics and resources for her purposed return, which include him--or not him, as the case may be. Given his attitudes about the contributions she's currently making to the family unit, I doubt he's doing much hands-on responsive parenting, either. He may even be upset because she's still focusing on the baby instead of rejoining his "working adult" lifestyle.

I certainly wouldn't relish adding 40+ hours plus 2 commutes (work and childcare) to my plate if I were her. Especially if she's ambitious, and aware of the shit deal a lot of working moms are getting during this pandemic, she's not going to want to be overworked and stressed at both jobs if she can serially focus instead.

She says she only cares about our daughter and that’s where all her energy needs to go right now

While it's possible that LW's wife said something like this, I have to wonder how big a discrepancy there is between what she said and what he heard. It's entirely possible that she said something about prioritizing their child instead of whatever this is. And since she's been on parental leave for so long, she probably has a good idea of how much effort is required on the parenting front.

I don't like the implication that a SAHM is a bad role model, but otherwise I sympathize with LW. His wife is unilaterally and dramatically changing what their life together is going to look like, and I find it unsurprising that he's upset by it. I would be too, in his position.

ETA: Also, LW’s wife saying that if LW loves her, he would let her be a SAHM is super manipulative.

Edited 2021-03-10 23:36 (UTC)

And suggesting that she wants to do this because she's mentally ill or suffering from postpartum depression isn't manipulative?

Also, " unilaterally and dramatically changing what their life together is going to look like" rests on the assumption that she will never return to work as long as she lives. LW seems to believe that but I don't think he's proven it's true. And being upset at a radical change in how he was expecting his life to look for the next couple of years is one thing but saying his wife has "given up" and he no longer admires her is really kind of another. Basically, I don't think this has to be the Permanent Change And Dimunition he has defined it as.

ETA, also "unilaterally and dramatically changing what their life together is going to look like" rests on another assumption -- that the only paths open to them are that she is a SAHM or that she goes back to work full time and puts the baby into 40 hour a week childcare. Even in the US, which lacks a lot of basic protections found in civilized countries, there are middle paths between. I think the LW should ask his wife more about her reasons for wanting to stay home, get a deeper understanding of what's lying beneath "because I love the baby too much to go back to work," and work out potential budgets with her, and see what compromises can be made. And I also think he should remember that the baby will only be a baby for a relatively short period of time, which might help him not define this as his wife's Permanent Character Failure but as a few years out of their entire lives together.

Edited 2021-03-11 01:04 (UTC)

Sorry, I have very little sympathy for the wife in this letter. She could have offered a middle path, like initially returning to work part-time and seeing how that goes, but she (apparently) opened the conversation by saying she wanted to become a SAHM, and that's a bomb drop. A life changer.

There's an awful lot of guesswork in the comments here, so I'll add a little of my own: had LW's wife started by describing her reservations and seeking a compromise, some sort of mutually workable solution, instead of presenting quitting her job as the one and only option, LW might not have taken such a negative view of her character. You said I assumed that quitting and fulltime work are the only paths open to them, but I'm not the one who created that false dichotomy.

Have you been in the shoes of either of these people?

It often happens that I see people in a position to recoognize a pattern recognize it, as has happened in the comments here, and then people who may not have experienced that pattern call recognizing it "guesswork".

And I personally find it horrifying to hear that a woman is required to take on the difficult juggling act of being a working parent in order to be worthy of respect, just as I would find it horrifying to hear that a woman was required to jettison her career to be a good parent. Or are personal choices only for men?

Oh come on, that's a strawman. I didn't say a woman needs to be a working parent to be worthy of respect or that only men get to make choices. This couple agreed to have a child with the understanding that both parents would work, and changing that agreement should be a mutual decision. LW should listen to his wife's concerns and consider middle roads, but his wife shouldn't enter the discussion with the demand that quitting work is the only option.

If it clarifies my position, I would have the same reaction were the genders reversed. If the husband one day insisted on quitting his job and becoming a stay-at-home-dad, the wife would be well justified in feeling upset. She should listen to his concerns, and they should discuss options, but for him to insist on making such a dramatic change to their household income without any real input from her would be unacceptable.

No, but you heavily implied ("Sorry, I have very little sympathy for the wife in this letter.") that this woman, the LW's wife, is unworthy of respect for her desire to be a SAHM at the "expense" of a one-income household. (We have no idea whether paid child care would eat her entire check or not, as the LW doesn't specify one way or another.)

She should listen to his concerns, and they should discuss options, but for him to insist on making such a dramatic change to their household income without any real input from her would be unacceptable.

OK, so what happens if she listens to his concerns, they discuss their options, and then she decides that she still wants to be a full time SAHM and does not go back to work? Is it reasonable for the LW to lose all respect for her due to "lack of ambition and tenacity"?

Sometimes Husbando doesn't get to have what he wants. That doesn't excuse him from having respect for his wife.

Edited 2021-03-11 16:57 (UTC)

I'm not denying that LW is (also) being a jerk about this, but his poor reaction doesn't change the basic principle that one half of a couple does not get to unilaterally make major financial decisions affecting the entire household. She essentially said, "this is the way it's going to be now, and if you love me, you'll be on board." He had no real input. I am honestly flabbergasted that everyone else here seems to think this is a totally fine decision-making process! But I'm done, I'm dropping it now.

Each person in a relationship has the right to set boundaries--including dealbreaker boundaries.

LW's wife's dealbreaker boundary is being a SAHM.

I do not see how this is a difficult concept.

"My way or the highway" is not sustainable in a relationship. If I had a child and my boyfriend suddenly decided on his own to quit his job and become a SAHD, you bet that I would also be pissed. I get the feeling LW's sexist remarks (which they absolutely are and he's undoubtedly a jerk, which no one is denying) are distracting from the point

shirou is trying to make.

Regardless of whether her staying home is cheaper than the cost of childcare or not, ideally this is something they should have hashed out together. Not LW's wife unilaterally deciding that LW is now the sole breadwinner for their family and they don't need that half of their income. That's not a "boundary" she should get to set on her own when it places the financial burden for their whole family solely on LW.

The way LW describes what they'll lose if his wife isn't working does not make it sound like they'll be reduced to poverty, though. But that's not really why I'm writing a response.

We have to judge what LW's wife said through his description. But I think we should extend her some possibility that she's aactually a sentient human being who considered some of these issues, that maybe she has actual reasons. And some of what he's said, especially how he asked her if she was possibly mentally ill and/or suffering from postpartum depression and how he's said being a SAHM makes her less of a role model, makes me think that his sexism cannot be divided from how he presented her decision..

What if the conversation went more like this:

LW's wife: Sweetheart, having looked at the quality and cost of the local infant and toddler daycare -- it'll take up 85% of my take home pay -- I think I want to stay home with BB Daughter until she's ready to go to school.

LW: You want to turn into a SAHM.

LW's wife: I want to take care of our daughter at home rather than trying to juggle work and daycare and her sick days and so on.

LW: You want to give up on your career.

LW's wife: I want to postpone going back to work for several years, not till the end of time. Look at this budget I put together. What we gain economically by my going back to work we all but lose to childcare and other expenses. And the three daycares we have to choose from all had [adverse events] inside the last 12 months.

LW: You want to stop using your brain. You've lost your ambition permanently. Could you be mentally ill?

LW's wife: If you love me could you not dismiss my thought out proposal as craziness, thank you?

I mean, maybe not. But I think LW's sexism makes him an unreliable narrator in some ways.

Yes, you are right. I can agree that it's very likely LW is not a reliable narrator, which would make this whole conversation pretty much moot.

I also agree. I default to taking letters at face value. If the facts are not as presented, then nothing I said applies.

Well, I said I was done, but I’ll respond once more to say I agree with you on this. If the wife genuinely would prefer to separate than work while married, she is entitled to draw that boundary and give LW an ultimatum. She should make sure she means it, though.

Agreed. I, personally, would much prefer to be a single mom, working despite my desire to stay home with my kid, than be married to a man who doesn't respect me and thinks I have no "ambition" or "tenacity" because I wanted to continue staying home with my infant/toddler/preschooler.

I think C&F did a good job, but didn’t mention that some women just absolutely fall in love with their babies when they meet them and are heartbroken at the thought of missing their development. (I say this as someone who has never had a desire to have kids, but I’m not blind to the fact that some women are different.) Infuriating that he jumped straight to PPD rather than considering it could be the opposite.

Still, they do need to sit down as a couple and work out a budget for how they’re going to get through the next few years. They’ll lose on her salary, gain on childcare, and ___? As has been said, there’s nothing to say that she won’t rejoin the working world when the kid is older.

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