Ask a Manager: Alison is stumped

[minoanmiss]

Concerning a medical issue.

3. In which I am stumped

I’m a newly-promoted manager (yay!), and AAM has been a great resource for me during the last couple months of learning to manage. Lately, I often find myself thinking up resolutions to various scenarios so I can try to be prepared in unexpected or outlandish situations. I’m interested in your take on how to professionally handle something that’s stumped me.

A few jobs ago, I had a coworker with severe priapism (persistent erections not caused by sexual stimulation). He always carried a doctor’s note with him and was extremely open about his condition; usually whenever we had a new hire, he’d take that person aside and explain that if they ever noticed anything, it wasn’t personal. It was a very small company, and since he was a genuinely nice guy, there was never any trouble there.

But it got me thinking on how to navigate something like that if someone with this condition wanted to keep their health private (as would be their right), and a coworker complained of sexual harassment. What could be done then?

Wow, I have no idea! You’ve stumped me. If I were the employer in this situation, I’d consult with a lawyer. But I’d imagine it’s easier to handle it internally within an office; it would be much harder more difficult if the person had a job that required him to deal with various members of the public on a regular basis.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

This conundrum reminds me of one of those stories where X is accused of murder and has an alibi but the alibi is "having sex with inappropriate person Y" or some other secret X would rather confess to the murder than disclose.

[adrian_turtle]

I don't have a thorough understanding of the anatomical situation, but it seems like a dance belt might be useful for a man who wants to keep this sort of thing private.

[sporky_rat]

I have worked with some folks in theatre and the dance belt wasn't quite enough.

[minoanmiss]

Ther'es a LOOOOOOT of discussion of dance belts and other clothing options, and whether they'd be safe for all-day office wear and whether or not we can assume that this guy would already have tried all the clothing options available .

There is, more annoyingly, discussion of whether an erection 'counts' as sexual harassment and/or if sexual harassment is vanishingly uncommon or actually happens.

[jadelennox]

I mean, does an erection count as sexual harassment? Obviously it can be made into sexual harassment, but surely an involuntary physical reaction is not inherently proof that my colleague is thinking about sex at work. I admit this is the first time I'd thought about it but my 10 second reaction is that if the colleague doesn't walk around flaunting it, and doesn't get near anybody, then it's no more sexual harassment than it is to see a hard nipples that show through a shirt and bra. (I used to have a colleague who was honestly so mortified by the presence of visible nipples on a woman that he'd make it into a thing, but, like, sometimes it's cold enough to defeat padded bra and shirt and nothing but a sweater can make them hide.)

[minoanmiss]

On the one hand I don't want to say an erection, by itself, is sexual harassment. It's just a physical thing. On the other what come to my mind right away is the Plausible Deniability of the dude walking around the office, stopping by all the women who are sitting down and standing 6 inches from their heads while chatting about inconsequential stuff, brushing past women in narrow areas, and so on. All the things a guy could do deliberately but make plausibly deniable.

[jadelennox]

Yeah, fair. TBH if the guy really does have priapism I assume he goes the other route: ties a bulky sweater around his waist by the arms like he's a 1987 preppy; sits behind a desk unless the office is actually on fire; stands behind plants at the office Christmas party. Which he shouldn't have to do either, but it's complicated.


(I got annoyed at AAM years ago because she told someone with IBS that it was their responsibility not to pass gas in the office, and, just what? Leaving the legality aside, that's not how IBS works. I assumed she's mellowed by now or she wouldn't have been stumped by this letter.)

[minoanmiss]

IIRC she has mellowed on the IBS part, as I saw her point the above out in a more recent discussion. Or I had a happy dream that she did so. *wry smile*

The discussion kind of has several entangled threads, one being this particular guy and another being All The Theoretical Guys Who Could Use This As An Excuse To Be Harassing Assholes. I think some of the clashes are between people trying to discuss these different concepts and thinking the other is disagreeing with them.

[resonant]

Those theoretical guys were on my mind as I followed the comments.

Earlier that very day I'd seen a 'hilarious' meme where a guy posted a photo of his medical record, showing negative for Covid and a bunch of other conditions but positive for Large Penis. So I feel bad for this particular guy, but if a co-worker approached me and said words about a medical condition regarding his genitalia, I would assume that was a less-familiar but still-familiar form of 'hilarious' harassment.

[colorwheel]

I didn't read AAM back then, but having read her a lot over the past two years, I don't think she'd say that now. My guess is it's something that, after she got it wrong, she learned.

[shirou]

As a guy who went through normal teenage/early 20s years, erections could come randomly. From boredom, from sleepiness, from nothing. It was embarrassing, and the normal reaction is to hide them and hope they go away before class is over. So I agree with you: calling an erection, by itself, sexual harassment is wrong and potentially cruel. It depends how the guy acts. Personally, I'm glad those years are behind me.

Also as a guy, I did not know priapism was a thing, and it sounds not just awkward but potentially painful. How persistent are we talking here?

I work for a large company, and while it would be no less awkward there, the existence of a functional and professional HR department helps considerably. HR would take the complaint and conduct an investigation. The unfortunate man would show HR his doctor's note. HR might or might not suggest some, uh, mitigating strategies, but would certainly not find him guilty of misconduct or reveal private medical information. They would tell the complainant the matter had been resolved and was a misunderstanding. She might not be entirely satisfied, but from the company's (and manager's) point of view, they checked all the right boxes.

[adrian_turtle]

I agree with you that it's not sexual harassment, but the "doesn't walk around flaunting it" can be the tricky part, especially for something that lasts hours and is likely to recurr frequently. Even if nobody complains to HR, someone might wonder "did that person I was just talking to notice? were they upset? should I apologize? maybe they didn't notice and trying to apologize would only call attention to it?"

[rosefox]

What astonishes me is the idea that anyone would notice whether a coworker had an erection! I certainly don't look at my colleagues' crotches.

[minoanmiss]

Actually, now that I have my peripheral vision back* I've been noticing how much I notice from the corner of my eye. If someone walked past me with an erection I think I would notice their profile without consciously looking, not least based on living with two people so equipped. Certainly if someone stood next to me while I was sitting down I would notice.

*: last year I switched from glasses to lenses

[lilysea]

I certainly don't look at my colleagues' crotches.

Back when I was able to work, I certainly didn't do it on purpose,

but if a man stands a short distance away from a seated coworker, his crotch is at eye line...

this was quite annoying with a coworker who cycled into work and then wore his crotch hugging bike shorts for the next 3-4 hours...

The man who did it was a senior exec, and he didn't give off a sexual harrassment vibe - basically, he would come into the office, and before he could get changed, a long line of people would buttonhole him with papers to sign and issues to discuss, so he'd be in bike shorts for hours -

but it still really annoyed all the women in the office to have to talk to him while they were seated and he was standing in bike shorts - and this was a workplace that was 98% women.