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agonyaunt2020-10-06 12:01 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2020-10-06 12:01 pm
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Dear Prudence: My Husband Is Having a Midlife Crisis and Wants to Open a Restaurant.
Q. Ill-timed dreams: My husband got laid off during the pandemic (he worked in the travel industry) and went into a full-bore, midlife crisis tailspin. We’re in our mid-30s and I guess he came to the conclusion that he hated many aspects of his life. His response has been to make noise about starting a restaurant. He seems genuinely excited about the idea of building a community space, hosting group events, and helping people connect over food. I love that he’s so excited and passionate about this—honestly, more animated than I’ve seen him in years.
But Prudie, I think this is an awful idea. Three restaurants just closed within 10 minutes of us due to the pandemic. My husband has literally no experience in food service or management, let alone starting up a new venture. He has never taken a business course and couldn’t even tell you what a profit margin is. We have a 2-year-old; though we’re OK income-wise because my job is stable and pays well, we cannot afford to fund his pipe dream. I’ve tried gently injecting some reality into the conversation, but my husband just spouts platitudes from Instagram influencers he follows (“If you aren’t sacrificing for your dreams, they will only remain dreams”) and says I’m being unsupportive of his goals.
I’m getting more and more frustrated trying to dialogue with a man treating me like the roadblock to him achieving self-actualization, rather than a rational partner trying to ensure our family is financially stable in the midst of economic turmoil. We are deeply in love but I feel like I no longer recognize my husband. What in the world should I do?
Q: Remain unsupportive of his goals—or at least of this goal, as long as his goal is “open a restaurant” (which has an incredibly high rate of failure even under non-pandemic conditions) without experience or even a sense of what a “profit margin” is (!), and whose only response to legitimate, practical concerns is to parrot nonsensical platitudes he saw on Instagram. Stop being “gentle” when you inject reality in these conversations. Gentleness is not required here, especially when your partner has clearly lost sight of his responsibilities to your toddler in his fantasy of “helping people connect over food.” Inject reality loudly, firmly, and often.
But Prudie, I think this is an awful idea. Three restaurants just closed within 10 minutes of us due to the pandemic. My husband has literally no experience in food service or management, let alone starting up a new venture. He has never taken a business course and couldn’t even tell you what a profit margin is. We have a 2-year-old; though we’re OK income-wise because my job is stable and pays well, we cannot afford to fund his pipe dream. I’ve tried gently injecting some reality into the conversation, but my husband just spouts platitudes from Instagram influencers he follows (“If you aren’t sacrificing for your dreams, they will only remain dreams”) and says I’m being unsupportive of his goals.
I’m getting more and more frustrated trying to dialogue with a man treating me like the roadblock to him achieving self-actualization, rather than a rational partner trying to ensure our family is financially stable in the midst of economic turmoil. We are deeply in love but I feel like I no longer recognize my husband. What in the world should I do?
Q: Remain unsupportive of his goals—or at least of this goal, as long as his goal is “open a restaurant” (which has an incredibly high rate of failure even under non-pandemic conditions) without experience or even a sense of what a “profit margin” is (!), and whose only response to legitimate, practical concerns is to parrot nonsensical platitudes he saw on Instagram. Stop being “gentle” when you inject reality in these conversations. Gentleness is not required here, especially when your partner has clearly lost sight of his responsibilities to your toddler in his fantasy of “helping people connect over food.” Inject reality loudly, firmly, and often.
no subject
But I feel bad because I don't know what advice would work. HAving Husband write out a plan and see how many holes he can't fill? Arranging for him to talk to a couple of restaraunteurs who can give him a reality check? IDK.
no subject
I might try "I'm so pleased to see you excited about this project, but it's also really important to me that we can be sure to always pay the rent/mortgage and keep a roof over Toddler's head. So can you take me through your plans and show me how we're going to be able to do that?"
and maybe a bit of "when people talk about sacrificing for their dreams, I think they mean working long hours, giving up luxuries etc, not risking the family home"
no subject
Maybe he'd listen to j kenji lopez-alt on why starting a restaurant is a terrible idea: https://freakonomics.com/podcast/kenji-update/
no subject
Look, I have issues related to my father's factory burning down, then him having a midlife crisis at 38, getting the family company into massive debt on various schemes, then having an affair and a son and separating from my mother - admittedly leaving her the house, but also leaving her the massive debt.
But, honey, GET THE FINANCES INTO YOUR NAME, INCLUDING THE FAMILY HOME. I'M NOT KIDDING ABOUT THIS.
And then she needs someone to take him through the pragmatics of opening a restaurant and making it work. Influencers are people who are paid to promote possibility, not reality.
no subject
And if he still wants to start a restaurant after that, good way for Husband to get a feel for the restaurant industry is to get a job washing dishes and take courses in *gestures at the thread* at community college.
The more white collar a job he held before, the more important it is for him to start at the bottom if he ever wants his employees to respect him and/or take him seriously.