Dear Prudence: My Husband Is Having a Midlife Crisis and Wants to Open a Restaurant.

[minoanmiss]

Q. Ill-timed dreams: My husband got laid off during the pandemic (he worked in the travel industry) and went into a full-bore, midlife crisis tailspin. We’re in our mid-30s and I guess he came to the conclusion that he hated many aspects of his life. His response has been to make noise about starting a restaurant. He seems genuinely excited about the idea of building a community space, hosting group events, and helping people connect over food. I love that he’s so excited and passionate about this—honestly, more animated than I’ve seen him in years.

But Prudie, I think this is an awful idea. Three restaurants just closed within 10 minutes of us due to the pandemic. My husband has literally no experience in food service or management, let alone starting up a new venture. He has never taken a business course and couldn’t even tell you what a profit margin is. We have a 2-year-old; though we’re OK income-wise because my job is stable and pays well, we cannot afford to fund his pipe dream. I’ve tried gently injecting some reality into the conversation, but my husband just spouts platitudes from Instagram influencers he follows (“If you aren’t sacrificing for your dreams, they will only remain dreams”) and says I’m being unsupportive of his goals.

I’m getting more and more frustrated trying to dialogue with a man treating me like the roadblock to him achieving self-actualization, rather than a rational partner trying to ensure our family is financially stable in the midst of economic turmoil. We are deeply in love but I feel like I no longer recognize my husband. What in the world should I do?

Q: Remain unsupportive of his goals—or at least of this goal, as long as his goal is “open a restaurant” (which has an incredibly high rate of failure even under non-pandemic conditions) without experience or even a sense of what a “profit margin” is (!), and whose only response to legitimate, practical concerns is to parrot nonsensical platitudes he saw on Instagram. Stop being “gentle” when you inject reality in these conversations. Gentleness is not required here, especially when your partner has clearly lost sight of his responsibilities to your toddler in his fantasy of “helping people connect over food.” Inject reality loudly, firmly, and often.

Comments

[xenacryst]

Let's back up here. The problem isn't the restaurant (which is a terrible, terrible, terrible idea given everything else in the letter and the world at large right now). The problem is "dude got laid off and is having a midlife crisis." The answer isn't going to be having him rationally take business courses or learn how to cook, because the problem isn't rational to begin with - he needs to see someone who can help him see that he's gone into an emotional whirlwind, lost what he thought was his bedrock, and that he's grasping at willow branches in a torrent. If he doesn't get that straightened out, he'll eventually crash and burn on some aspect of this food business and then decide that he needs to become a pastor or experimental aircraft inventor or start a legal marijuana grow operation because those will solve all his problems - problems that he's afraid to actually name and face at the moment.

[rosefox]

Yeah, the reason I don't like this advice is that it's so unsympathetic to the feelings that are underlying his very bad idea. He probably knows it's a bad idea, so what's making him so miserable and desperate that he's willing to lunge after it?

[beable]

I get this but at the same time while I acknowledge that this is a perfect example of how The Patriarchy Hurts Men Too, this type of crisis is riskier to those caught up in the collateral damage (LW and their toddler) if LW doesn't take steps to protect their assets.

I feel like "I have a midlife existential crisis and must follow my dreaamssssss" is a very white male narrative that nobody else gets afforded and while I am sympathetic to the damage the dreamer may cause themselves I am far more concerned to the damage they can cause to the people in their lives through crashed finances - especially as I believe the group of men who would be likely to be all "I want to start a restaurant" without any of the learning or work involved overlap heavily with those who will bail on the spouse and kids as soon as life seems slightly hard (e.g. after they have bankrupted said spouse and kids)

[xenacryst]

Oh, heck yeah. I'm not saying that LW shouldn't take steps to protect herself financially, I'm saying that "enroll in a course on business planning and/or the hospitality business" isn't going to do either LW or the husband a damned bit of good, because that's not addressing the husband's core issues. LW's core issue, on the other hand, is that she's married to someone who can't currently see reality and taking steps to protect herself from that is perfectly fine (and also, if she's able, knocking those rose colored glasses off his face).

[beable]

And sadly (where I Blame the Patriarchy), the part where LW's husband should probably talk to some sort of trained counsellor (therapist if they can afford it) about the underlying core issues seems unlikely to happen. I kinda wish Prudie had suggested it.

[xenacryst]

Exactly - that's what my gripe was with the response. I mean, Prudie's advice was "stop being gentle" and "inject reality." How? From whom will he hear it? What to do when he gets defensive? What to do when he gets depressed about his situation? All unanswered questions.