Ask a Manager: Coworker Got Angry At My Minor Prank

[minoanmiss]

My coworker got angry at my minor prank.

I am a man and I had a strange incident with a female coworker. We both have had a very playful, joking relationship. We constantly make jokes, playful insults, and talk about a variety of topics, especially when we are in our circle of friends.

One day at work, they were passing out “remain six feet apart” stickers to everyone. As a joke, I placed a strip of tape on one and gently placed it on my coworker’s back. The tape happened to stick pretty firmly after she turned around. Another coworker and a supervisor noticed and smiled. I left the room shorty after. A few minutes later, another coworker texted me and said she had blown up in anger. Using several choice words, she stated, “The next person who touches my body, I will report.”

I went to her later and apologized. I said I didn’t mean anything by it and it will not happen again. She said it was okay but was still very clearly upset. She continued to be in a bad mood the rest of the day and uncharacteristically walked a different way back to our cars than the rest of our group at the end of our day. How can I better handle this? Is this something I should bring to management’s attention?

Whoa, no, this is not something to report. It sounds like she’s fed up with people touching her, as she has a right to be. Apologizing and telling her clearly that you won’t do it again were the right things to do. (And to be clear, putting a sticker on the back of someone you’re friendly with isn’t a major offense during normal times, but violating social distancing to the point of touching someone certainly is during Covid. And even if it were normal times, she’s allowed to want people to stop touching her.)

It’s also worth reflecting on whether you might have unknowingly violated her boundaries in other ways in the past. You might think, “No, we have a fun, joking relationship!” … but it’s not at all uncommon for people to put up with behavior that makes them uncomfortable because they don’t want to cause tension with colleagues, even to the point that they’ll smile/laugh and seem to be enjoying themselves. I have no idea if that’s what’s happening here (maybe she was just in a bad mood that day, or maybe her ire was directed at someone else) but she’s given you a really clear indicator that something in your workplace is going too far for her. It’s worth taking a fresh look at how people’s boundaries are or aren’t being respected in this friend group. (Also, if you’re at all handsy in your joking relationship, assume you should cut that out immediately.)

Comments

Where's That Bad Advice when you need them?

[minoanmiss]

You know what, dude, go ahead. Go complain to management. Tell them "I not only touched my coworker on her back but set her up for a prank which inspired other pranksters to poke and prod her too. She had the utter gall to get angry at me, and after a perfectly nice apology hasn't immediately forgiven me. I want you to discipline her or at least give her a Good Talking To." Please do this. Then come back and tell us what happens. I'll be making popcorn while I wait.

Re: Where's That Bad Advice when you need them?

[conuly]

Oooh, enough popcorn to share?

Re: Where's That Bad Advice when you need them?

[minoanmiss]

Absolutely.

[lemonsharks]

I would like to state for the record that no one knows their coworkers history and that it's always better to err on the side of not pranking and not touching them.

Can we just cancel workplace pranks entirely? Forever?

[minoanmiss]

Word.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/07/office-pranks-work-jokes-gone-wrong.html

[cereta]

I have a bias here, because I hate being pranked, and grew up with an older brother who loves pranks, but even if you like pranks, they really don't belong in the workplace at all.

[ioplokon]

Ugh yes please. I worked in a place where my boss was big on pranks and jokes and, while we generally worked well together and got along, I absolutely hated it whenever he would pull that stuff.

[shirou]

LW apologized and said he won't repeat the prank. The coworker, despite being "very clearly upset," accepted the apology. What else does LW want? What part of him thinks, "this situation is headed toward resolution; further escalation is in order"?

LW, be glad your coworker accepted your apology and keep your hands to yourself.

[minoanmiss]

I think he wants her not to have been mad, or to have forgiven him immediately and cheerfully, so he can stop feeling his conscience squirm in his belly.

May your advice echo in his ears.

[shirou]

I think you're right, and that does not speak well of LW. I can also find it jarring when somebody perceives something very differently than I do—a major violation instead of a harmless prank. But the other person is still allowed their feelings, especially when it pertains to their body and boundaries. I can't quite wrap my head around what LW even thinks he would report. In his place, to help rebuild the friendship, I would wait a couple days and then apologize again, emphasizing respect for the coworker's boundaries and commitment to avoid repeating the violation.

[ex_flameandsong751]

1. Pranking in the workplace is unprofessional. There's a time and a place, I don't care how laid back your work environment is, I don't like that sort of workplace culture (but then I'm fairly antisocial and if I'm at an office I'm there to work and go home).

2. I also feel that NOBODY should be touching ANYBODY without their consent. And if a person says "don't touch me", that needs to be respected rather than it being some sort of personal problem or failing. That's also true regardless of your level of familiarity with the person, even if they're a friend.

LW, you were not entitled to the co-worker's forgiveness but you got it, and maybe stop being so assmad about having to keep your fucking hands to yourself.

[cereta]

I have a spouse who jokes a lot (not pranks, just humorous remarks). Sometimes, that joking crosses the line into teasing. I hate being teased, in no small part because I have an older brother who to this day teases me relentlessly. I have had to impress on him more than once that he cannot judge my reaction by non-verbal cues like smiling, because I learned a long time ago that showing my actual reaction - which is to say, getting visibly upset - only makes teasing worse*, and I therefore do things like smile or laugh as a kind of automatic defense mechanism. Spouse and I actually hit a point where I instituted a teasing safeword (my brother's name) to let him know that what he's saying has crossed my boundaries.

And okay, not everyone has that kind of reaction, but there is a lot of pressure on people to play along with "humor" at their expense. I've seen it damn near everywhere, including in fandom when "wank"-mocking became a sport. Any sign of being sincerely bothered by comments, up to and including just correcting factual errors, was seen as a sign that you were taking yourself too seriously and therefore deserved more mockery. (Have I mentioned lately how glad I am that this attitude has at least somewhat shifted?)

My point, though, is that people who tend towards what they see as joking and humor often misinterpret, or are even just flat-out oblivious to, the reactions of the people they're joking at or about. LW may well think that his relationship with his coworker is based on mutual humor. He may also very well be mistaken about the extent to which it really is.

All that is true even before you get into gender dynamics, the male use (consciously or not) of "humor" as a way to depower women, and the social pressure on women to go along to get along.

*I should be clear that it's my siblings who escalate teasing when I show signs of being upset, not my spouse. And I know, I know that my brother is not being intentionally malicious. But he's also asshole-levels of oblivious to other people's feelings.

[ioplokon]

Right - the hope is that if you no-sell the prank it'll be boring and everyone will stop versus if you have a funny/over the top reaction, or worse, cry - in which case you get picked on more and/or everyone thinks less of you.

Also I absolutely think there is a power hierarchy to teasing. I would try to have banter with my guy friends who initiated it with me and they would get mad-mad. The more I observed The Dynamic the more I saw that the bants roll downhill and then, as a girl, I was mostly expected to know my place (automatically at the bottom) and not be funnier or quicker than any of them.

[resonant]

A teasing safeword is a very clever idea.

I'm not as convinced as you are that your brother is not being intentionally malicious, and I've never even met the man.

[jadelennox]

The real problems here are what everyone has already said: don't touch people without their consent, and don't report it to management that you want your friend not to have gotten mad at you, you fragile manchild. But also important is this: if you're passing out "stay six feet apart stickers" and you taped a sticker to her back, then you were violating the covid protocols the stickers were enforcing, you utter numpty. And, perforce, you were risking her health, you complete mamzer.