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agonyaunt2020-09-16 11:54 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2020-09-16 11:54 am
Entry tags:
Ask A Manager: Should I talk to my managers before I ask out a coworker?
I’ve recently been working in person with a colleague again after a long period of only having phone and video interactions while we were working from home due to Covid.
I’ve always found her attractive and we’ve always got on well at work. Seeing her in person again made me realize I’d missed her quite a bit. I’d avoided asking her out previously, as during her first few months I was trying to show her the job and support her as our line manager was off sick for a long period.
We work within a small team of five within a larger service and although I’ve been there a year longer so am further up on pay scale we are in the same position job wise so neither of us manages the other. Our staff handbook says that the charity we work for respects interpersonal relationships but that they can be a matter for disciplinary action if they interfere with business.
Given that our staff handbook doesn’t ban relationships, I was considering asking her out. What I’m a bit stuck on is whether I should speak to my team lead (my direct line manager) or my head of service (my overall boss) regarding this first?
Don’t speak to your managers about this. You don’t even know if your coworker is interested, and it risks creeping her out if she hears about you talked to your managers about asking her out. And even if she says yes and you end up in a relationship, you still don’t need to run it by anyone. Your organization doesn’t prohibit dating among peers; you’re fine in that regard as long as you stay out of each other’s chain of command.
The bigger issue is that you shouldn’t ask out someone at work just because you like them. You need to first see active signs that they return that interest. Most people are at work to work and aren’t necessarily open to dating colleagues. Women in particular (who as a group deal with far more unwanted overtures than men do) generally want to be able to do their jobs without feeling like their coworkers are assessing them as potential dates and putting moves on them. They may not want to deal with the potential awkwardness of rejecting a coworker (and the potential ramifications of that for the professional relationship — because even if you know you’ll be cool about it, they don’t know that).
If you’re not sure, you can make a few warm, friendly overtures to try to get to know her better, and pay attention to see if they’re reciprocated. If they are, you can ask her to hang out outside of work sometime. But that part about reciprocation and paying attention to her cues really matters. If you don’t see those things, you shouldn’t move forward, since you have an obligation not to make work weird for her.
I’ve always found her attractive and we’ve always got on well at work. Seeing her in person again made me realize I’d missed her quite a bit. I’d avoided asking her out previously, as during her first few months I was trying to show her the job and support her as our line manager was off sick for a long period.
We work within a small team of five within a larger service and although I’ve been there a year longer so am further up on pay scale we are in the same position job wise so neither of us manages the other. Our staff handbook says that the charity we work for respects interpersonal relationships but that they can be a matter for disciplinary action if they interfere with business.
Given that our staff handbook doesn’t ban relationships, I was considering asking her out. What I’m a bit stuck on is whether I should speak to my team lead (my direct line manager) or my head of service (my overall boss) regarding this first?
Don’t speak to your managers about this. You don’t even know if your coworker is interested, and it risks creeping her out if she hears about you talked to your managers about asking her out. And even if she says yes and you end up in a relationship, you still don’t need to run it by anyone. Your organization doesn’t prohibit dating among peers; you’re fine in that regard as long as you stay out of each other’s chain of command.
The bigger issue is that you shouldn’t ask out someone at work just because you like them. You need to first see active signs that they return that interest. Most people are at work to work and aren’t necessarily open to dating colleagues. Women in particular (who as a group deal with far more unwanted overtures than men do) generally want to be able to do their jobs without feeling like their coworkers are assessing them as potential dates and putting moves on them. They may not want to deal with the potential awkwardness of rejecting a coworker (and the potential ramifications of that for the professional relationship — because even if you know you’ll be cool about it, they don’t know that).
If you’re not sure, you can make a few warm, friendly overtures to try to get to know her better, and pay attention to see if they’re reciprocated. If they are, you can ask her to hang out outside of work sometime. But that part about reciprocation and paying attention to her cues really matters. If you don’t see those things, you shouldn’t move forward, since you have an obligation not to make work weird for her.
no subject
(I'm also sitting here like "how does this even cross a person's mind that this is an OK thing" but that might just be me being weird.)