Ask A Manager: Should I talk to my managers before I ask out a coworker?

[minoanmiss]

I’ve recently been working in person with a colleague again after a long period of only having phone and video interactions while we were working from home due to Covid.

I’ve always found her attractive and we’ve always got on well at work. Seeing her in person again made me realize I’d missed her quite a bit. I’d avoided asking her out previously, as during her first few months I was trying to show her the job and support her as our line manager was off sick for a long period.

We work within a small team of five within a larger service and although I’ve been there a year longer so am further up on pay scale we are in the same position job wise so neither of us manages the other. Our staff handbook says that the charity we work for respects interpersonal relationships but that they can be a matter for disciplinary action if they interfere with business.

Given that our staff handbook doesn’t ban relationships, I was considering asking her out. What I’m a bit stuck on is whether I should speak to my team lead (my direct line manager) or my head of service (my overall boss) regarding this first?

Don’t speak to your managers about this. You don’t even know if your coworker is interested, and it risks creeping her out if she hears about you talked to your managers about asking her out. And even if she says yes and you end up in a relationship, you still don’t need to run it by anyone. Your organization doesn’t prohibit dating among peers; you’re fine in that regard as long as you stay out of each other’s chain of command.

The bigger issue is that you shouldn’t ask out someone at work just because you like them. You need to first see active signs that they return that interest. Most people are at work to work and aren’t necessarily open to dating colleagues. Women in particular (who as a group deal with far more unwanted overtures than men do) generally want to be able to do their jobs without feeling like their coworkers are assessing them as potential dates and putting moves on them. They may not want to deal with the potential awkwardness of rejecting a coworker (and the potential ramifications of that for the professional relationship — because even if you know you’ll be cool about it, they don’t know that).

If you’re not sure, you can make a few warm, friendly overtures to try to get to know her better, and pay attention to see if they’re reciprocated. If they are, you can ask her to hang out outside of work sometime. But that part about reciprocation and paying attention to her cues really matters. If you don’t see those things, you shouldn’t move forward, since you have an obligation not to make work weird for her.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

The discussion was surprisingly annoying. Lots of "I met my husband at work HDU" and even "my parents met at work. By saying people shouldn't date coworkers you're saying I shouldn't exist" and "how else can people meet people except at work???" and "women don't accuse conventionally attractive men of sexual harassment". WTF.

[xenacryst]

Yeah, totally WTF. Sure, great relationships can start at work, but the really big glaring thing I see missing from this letter is any indication that there's reciprocal feelings rather than it being entirely LW's pantsfeels. And, yanno, beyond that, it's really dangerous territory to start up a relationship with someone you work closely with, simply because of power dynamics and bringing the personal distractions into professional productivity. From what LW says, it's pretty clear to me that they have some amount of informal power over the coworker, even if it's not managerial ("I was trying to show her the job," and "I’ve been there a year longer so am further up on pay scale"). So no, don't go there.

[jadelennox]

I've known multiple healthy couples who met at work, but, like. I've also seen entire departments dissolve because everyone in the department got pulled into the relationship drama.

My partner and I hooked up at college while I was still dating my high school boyfriend at another school, and while my current partner was in a mutually toxic on-again-off-again relationship with his psychologically abusive high school girlfriend who lived in my dorm, and while I had a planet-sized crush on said abusive girlfriend, who kept fucking with my head, threatening self-harm at me, and who, in fact, drew the entire dorm into the relationship drama. (College administrators became involved! It was messy as shit!)

Now, my partner and I have been together for more than 25 years. We're healthy and we love each other and we're non toxic. But if I saw another 18 year old emulating the behavior that -- by chance -- led to my incredibly happy adult life? I would intervene so effing fast. The fact that it ended up well in the anecdote of life, doesn't mean it wasn't toxic as hell.

Sometimes things work out well! It doesn't mean it's not a bad idea in general!

Also, WTF:

"my parents met at work. By saying people shouldn't date coworkers you're saying I shouldn't exist"

That's some pro-life bullshit right there. (I mean, literally. How many times have I heard, "Jadelennox, by saying Jewish couples should consider their parenting options if they're positive for Tay Sachs, you're saying your sister shouldn't exist!" Which, one, those people can fuck right off to hell. Two, they can fuck right off right now. And three, actually, no, I can't go through the logical arguments when I think about that, those people can fuck the hell off.)

[minoanmiss]

I never replied to this sensible comment! Goodness, 9/16 seems like a month ago..

And yeah, I compared that statement to Edgy Defenses of Rape as procreative. I don't know what any response might have been because Alison deleted the thread. Wah!

[rosefox]

I dated a coworker for a couple of years, and whooooo boy when we had relationship drama it absolutely followed us to work and was a mess. We loved each other and the sex was spectacular, but in general, I don't recommend this at all. I'm pretty surprised that's apparently a controversial take.

[ex_flameandsong751]

Nah. Don't do it. Even if she's actually interested in you (and LW has given no indicator as to whether or not she is, or it's just one-sided), if y'all break up that can make things super awkward for you both as well as your co-workers.

(I'm also sitting here like "how does this even cross a person's mind that this is an OK thing" but that might just be me being weird.)

[shirou]

I know lots of couples working for the same company but not on the same team. I recommend LW wait until either he or his coworker move to a different position (not up their current chain of command) before asking her out, preferably to a coffee date or something low-stakes to which she can comfortably say no if she wants.

[resonant]

The whole thing has a disturbing similarity to one of those narratives where the guy asks the woman's father if he can court her, rather than asking her.

[colorwheel]

yes! i was quite disturbed by the idea of the LW talking to higher-ups first. EW.

[minoanmiss]

Yeah, there were some people flapping Occam's Paisley Tie in the comments who were all "people are being so HARD on him for wanting to ask the supervisors, maybe he just wants clarification on company policy?!?!" Feh.

[colorwheel]

i had never heard of Occam's Paisley Tie and now i have googled it and it is amazing. thank you for that!

[julian]

What an EXTREMELY useful phrase, thank you. It's like How To Identify Sealioning.

[sara]

Yeah, if you want clarification on company policy, ask HR or your union rep. But don't ask your boss before you ask the gal you're interested in.

I don't know, I think if he's tasteful about it and takes no for an answer, there's really nothing wrong with asking if she has plans for lunch sometime.