Dear Care & Feeding: My Husband Can’t Bear to Watch Me Pump

[minoanmiss]

He says it kills the intimacy

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a first-time mom to a beautiful 2-month-old daughter. My company has generous maternity leave, so I’m not expected back in the office until the end of the year.

Since I’m home for the rest of the year, I’m spending a majority of the time breastfeeding, which is going pretty well. I started pumping about a month ago so my husband could start introducing our baby to the bottle (and give me a break). While I’m only pumping once a day to ensure there’s a backup in the event I’m away from the baby, my husband has made it clear that he is uncomfortable with me pumping in his presence (and says it kills the intimacy), which has left me feeling upset and unsupported. Eventually I’m going to have to increase the frequency as the baby sleeps for longer stretches, and I’m nearing the end of my leave, so he’s going to have to be around it. Do I just hide away and pump so he doesn’t have to deal with it, or is there a way to help him get comfortable with this arrangement?


—Breast Intentions

Dear BI,

I’m sorry but you don’t have anything to do to “help him get comfortable with this arrangement.” He needs to just get over it. I understand it can be … complex to see your partner’s body given over to maternity. But this is how biology works. Your husband’s failure to understand that you now physically (for a while anyway!) embody the role of both his partner and your child’s parent is his failure, not yours.

I think you should tell your husband that he’s being hurtful. Tell him that you feel upset and unsupported, and point out that you shouldn’t have to hide inside your own home in order to pump. I’m not sure what else I can say here; you deserve better, and I hope that if you’re honest your husband will realize that he’s in the wrong and work to right things.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

continuing on today's theme of how gross some people think women's bodies are...

I can never get over how squeamish many people in the US are about breastfeeding. Maybe I'm not being sufficiently empathetic, but if the bass-ackwards utterly-conservative creationist fundamentalist church I grew up in was OK with women breastfeeding I just can't understand why so many people insist on being grossed out by it.

That said, being told that one is wrong to be grossed out isn't the best advice for the receiver even though it can be very powerful for the teller to say (as they are also affirming to themself that they are not gross). I'm not sure how much the LW should gently point out mammalian biology vs how much she should try to convey how unsupported this makes her feel, but I definitely think both need to be conveyed to her husband. And then he shoudl damn well listen.

[grammarwoman]

I have zero sympathy for this guy. This baby is two months old - you know what else kills the intimacy? Being tired out of your gourd, upending your life to adapt to a tiny human's demands, having gone from growing a human inside to having one basically externally attached to you all the time, dealing with your post-partum body and a re-adjusting uterus...FFS, milk is literally what boobs are made for!

I wonder if he feels the same way about her breastfeeding, but he realizes that's an utterly assholish thing to say, so he's chosen to complain about pumping instead. His whining that he has to share his special playtoys is ridiculous in any case. Pumping is not fun, and making it a dirty chore to be hidden out of sight makes it worse. "Kills the intimacy", OH MY GOD.

[ex_flameandsong751]

This guy is an asshole. Plain and simple.

1. Seconding the sentiment that people in the US are extremely weird about breastfeeding. I would agree that telling the guy he's wrong to be grossed out is maybe not the best tactic (though I also agree that the wife affirming that she's not gross is a good thing), BUT, I don't have a lot of sympathy for "ew breastfeeding is icky wtf".

2. "Kills the intimacy?" What kind of selfish, entitled-ass thing is this to say? I can't fucking even with this guy.

[topaz_eyes]

With my youngest, I pumped for several months after I went back to work. To be fair, I thought it was unnatural to watch my pump extract my breast milk into the bottle. So I can sort of understand why the husband felt uncomfortable watching.

The "kills the intimacy" part, however, is not on and the husband is being a jerk an asshole. He needs to get over it and accept that LW is doing what she fully believes is best for their child. If he's uncomfortable, he can leave the room, but he needs to understand that his lack of support can undermine LW's pumping success. Pumping is a lot harder than it sounds and LW needs to feel 100% comfortable and supported for it.

[conuly]

If Hubby is uncomfortable being around LW when she's pumping, then Hubby needs to go into the other room and do something else during this time - something like "chores" or "childcare".

[shirou]

+1

If he doesn't like it, that's his problem—one he could easily handle by averting his eyes or walking away. He's an ass for making it LW's problem.

[purlewe]

I am tired of people (but in this case a man) telling women what to do with their bodies instead of say learning how to deal with their reaction instead of making it a woman's job to deal with their reaction. Go take care of your kid while your wife pumps. How about make a meal bc she needs more calories right now to pump? How about do ANYTHING ELSE than watch her that is supportive in ANY WAY?

[conuly]

Seriously.

Okay, you have feelings about pumping. Bodies are inherently a little gross, sure, and while I wouldn't peg "pumping milk" as being something squicky, I guess we all have our reactions.

You don't need to share those feelings. Every five year old is expected to learn to keep some thoughts to themself, buddy.

LW's husband needs to shape up, fast. Maybe some remedial kindergarten will help him internalize social norms like "don't make people feel bad about their bodies" and "keep your mean thoughts to yourself".

[wordweaverlynn]

Dear Jerk:

Grow the fuck up.

Sincerely,
Every woman in the universe