Dear Care & Feeding: My Husband Can’t Bear to Watch Me Pump

[minoanmiss]

He says it kills the intimacy

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a first-time mom to a beautiful 2-month-old daughter. My company has generous maternity leave, so I’m not expected back in the office until the end of the year.

Since I’m home for the rest of the year, I’m spending a majority of the time breastfeeding, which is going pretty well. I started pumping about a month ago so my husband could start introducing our baby to the bottle (and give me a break). While I’m only pumping once a day to ensure there’s a backup in the event I’m away from the baby, my husband has made it clear that he is uncomfortable with me pumping in his presence (and says it kills the intimacy), which has left me feeling upset and unsupported. Eventually I’m going to have to increase the frequency as the baby sleeps for longer stretches, and I’m nearing the end of my leave, so he’s going to have to be around it. Do I just hide away and pump so he doesn’t have to deal with it, or is there a way to help him get comfortable with this arrangement?


—Breast Intentions

Dear BI,

I’m sorry but you don’t have anything to do to “help him get comfortable with this arrangement.” He needs to just get over it. I understand it can be … complex to see your partner’s body given over to maternity. But this is how biology works. Your husband’s failure to understand that you now physically (for a while anyway!) embody the role of both his partner and your child’s parent is his failure, not yours.

I think you should tell your husband that he’s being hurtful. Tell him that you feel upset and unsupported, and point out that you shouldn’t have to hide inside your own home in order to pump. I’m not sure what else I can say here; you deserve better, and I hope that if you’re honest your husband will realize that he’s in the wrong and work to right things.

Comments

[purlewe]

I am tired of people (but in this case a man) telling women what to do with their bodies instead of say learning how to deal with their reaction instead of making it a woman's job to deal with their reaction. Go take care of your kid while your wife pumps. How about make a meal bc she needs more calories right now to pump? How about do ANYTHING ELSE than watch her that is supportive in ANY WAY?

[conuly]

Seriously.

Okay, you have feelings about pumping. Bodies are inherently a little gross, sure, and while I wouldn't peg "pumping milk" as being something squicky, I guess we all have our reactions.

You don't need to share those feelings. Every five year old is expected to learn to keep some thoughts to themself, buddy.

LW's husband needs to shape up, fast. Maybe some remedial kindergarten will help him internalize social norms like "don't make people feel bad about their bodies" and "keep your mean thoughts to yourself".