Seriously, LW, what is wrong with you?

[conuly]

DEAR HARRIETTE: I talked to a good friend who told me that almost a dozen people in his life have died in the past couple of weeks due to COVID-19. He had been trying to stay positive and follow directions, but he was really down when we talked that day. I offered to pray with him, which we did. I then told him that as bad as it is, he has to be grateful that he is alive. He got mad at me for saying that. I didn’t know what to say, honestly. Nothing like this has ever happened before. But I do know that if you get depressed, it will be harder to get through this sadness. What else can I say to him? -- Grieving Friend

DEAR GRIEVING FRIEND: Forgive your friend for not being able to receive your message at this dark moment in his life. Continue to pray for him. And reach out to him soon and often. Check in to learn how he is feeling and what he is doing. Share something positive that you have read or seen. Encourage him to do something uplifting. Stay in touch and be a good listener, even when he is insensitive.

https://www.uexpress.com/sense-and-sensitivity/2020/4/28/1/reader-wonders-when-its-ok-to

Comments

[rosefox]

"even when he is insensitive"

Oh do fuck off, Harriette.

[conuly]

Yes, she's even worse than LW, and I don't know how that's possible.

[jadelennox]

Harriette sucks all the sucking.

[mommy]

It's really insulting to tell someone to be grateful to be alive when he's lost nearly a dozen people in less than a month. He's allowed to be traumatized and upset, and he has every right to take offense at the described faux-concern. Seriously, LW signed their letter "Grieving Friend" because their actual grieving friend wasn't cheerful enough. Ugh.

[azurelunatic]

Go drink a gallon of survivor's guilt and fuck off, LW.

[ioplokon]

Idk I don't want to be too harsh on LW - most people are just fucking bad at helping their loved ones through times of grief, even if they've lost loved ones themselves. And that's not accounting for the particular situation of losing a dozen people in a few weeks. LW knows they don't know what to say; they said they thing they thought they were supposed to and realized they've angered & hurt their friend; they also don't want to just leave their friend alone to suffer. Like, they're literally asking for advice on better things to say. It's better than what like 90% of people do in that situation, which is just ghost because they're too uncomfortable.

That said, the response is pretty awful. The LW needs advice and insight into the mind of someone experiencing that kind of complicated grief, not vague things about being uplifting. When that's the advice they get, how can you be surprised they have no idea how to help their friend?

[lilysea]

I'm surprised she didn't recommend The Art of Comforting: What to Say and Do for People in Distress, by Val Walker [it's available as an ebook!]

It talks about how to step away from hurtful cliches towards things that are ACTUALLY comforting.

[conuly]

Because that would've been good advice.

[cynthia1960]

+10000

[rosefox]

I don't fault the LW for reaching out, but the response is terrible.

[ashbet]

I'm not surprised that the LW didn't know what to say and said something clumsy/insensitive, but the advice is AWFUL.

It's not the actual grieving person's fault for being "insensitive" -- he's not feeling grateful right now, he's devastated!

I am not in the least bit surprised that this is a religious person writing in, there is often that underlying smugness that people should be "grateful" for all kinds of tragic circumstances, that it's "meant to be" or "there is a reason for this," and praying cures all ills!

(#notallreligiouspeople #notallchristians #butalotofthem)

[cynthia1960]

The advice is beyond awful. Right now, I'm annoyed with $DEITY, but probably way more annoyed at the believers that say this is for my good. If I get through this and see that we end up pitching most of the horrible capitalist racist patriarchal systems that have been systematically killing us and the planet to build something new, fairer, and more sustainable, I still will be bitterly angry that so many people have had their lives cut short by the existing horrible systems even when I get some hope for the future.

[xenacryst]

Right? As good as a sustainable future might be, I refuse to believe that we required a pandemic to make it happen. If it does happen.

[jamoche]

There's nothing I hate more than being encouraged to do something "uplifting" when I feel anything but. It's like being told to smile.

[xenacryst]

Word. Also, I love your icon.

[green_grrl]

What. The. Fuck. That is the worst advice response I have ever seen from a columnist ever. Could she not explain a little bit what grief is? Holy shizznit. (And, once again, a religious person believing their praying is an instant magic wand. Ugh.)

[cereta]

Holy motherforking shirtballs, that's awful, both the letter and the advice.

[melissatreglia]

This is just one big OOF, all around.

LW, just quit while you're ahead. People this guy cared about have *died.* There is literally nothing you can do to make this easier on him, and trying to come up with things to say will just sound twee and meaningless. All you can do is be there for him, and let him grieve however he needs to.

And Harriette? *He's* the one being insensitive, for being a human being and grieving his loss and not "perking up" immediately? Really?! Fuck you!