minoanmiss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
minoanmiss) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
agonyaunt2020-04-28 01:41 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2020-04-28 01:41 am
Entry tags:
Ask a Manager: HR told me to cover up my scars
(Cut-tagged for discussion of self-harm, among other reasons)
Dear Ask a Manager,
I work in a laboratory where everyone wears lab coats. We each have a desk outside of the lab where we sit to write our reports and read emails. The dress code is very lax, most people wear t-shirts everyday. To give you an idea of the culture, my boss regularly wears a Nine Inch Nails t-shirt with a curse word on the back.
I’ve been working there for five years now. A few months ago, “Brandy” started at our office. She is about the same level as me in the company structure. She recently went to our HR person and complained that I should not be allowed to wear short-sleeved shirts. Her rationale was that she didn’t want to have to see my scars. I used to have issues with depression and I would cut my arms, so I have quite a few scars on them. Since this was when I was a teenager, and I am in my 40’s now, the scars are pretty faded at this point. HR has told me that I need to wear long sleeves at all times since this makes her uncomfortable. I have read before that companies can mandate that one person has to wear something different from everyone else, but is this different because these scars are the result of a, now resolved admittedly, medical issue?
This is BS, and your HR is terrible. You don’t tell someone to cover up because someone else is uncomfortable; this is Brandy’s issue, not yours. Would your HR department also tell women to wear longer skirts because a man complained he was uncomfortable seeing their legs? Or, uh, this?
Legally … it’s pretty iffy. You can’t treat people differently because of a disability or the perception that they’re disabled. I can’t say for sure whether scars from depression years ago would trigger that protection, but no sensible HR person should care enough to argue it. I’d go back to HR and tell them you’re sure the company is not truly telling someone they need to cover up the signs of a former medical condition, and you will be continuing to follow the same dress code as everyone else. Loop in your boss too, as long as she’s not a similar disaster.
Dear Ask a Manager,
I work in a laboratory where everyone wears lab coats. We each have a desk outside of the lab where we sit to write our reports and read emails. The dress code is very lax, most people wear t-shirts everyday. To give you an idea of the culture, my boss regularly wears a Nine Inch Nails t-shirt with a curse word on the back.
I’ve been working there for five years now. A few months ago, “Brandy” started at our office. She is about the same level as me in the company structure. She recently went to our HR person and complained that I should not be allowed to wear short-sleeved shirts. Her rationale was that she didn’t want to have to see my scars. I used to have issues with depression and I would cut my arms, so I have quite a few scars on them. Since this was when I was a teenager, and I am in my 40’s now, the scars are pretty faded at this point. HR has told me that I need to wear long sleeves at all times since this makes her uncomfortable. I have read before that companies can mandate that one person has to wear something different from everyone else, but is this different because these scars are the result of a, now resolved admittedly, medical issue?
This is BS, and your HR is terrible. You don’t tell someone to cover up because someone else is uncomfortable; this is Brandy’s issue, not yours. Would your HR department also tell women to wear longer skirts because a man complained he was uncomfortable seeing their legs? Or, uh, this?
Legally … it’s pretty iffy. You can’t treat people differently because of a disability or the perception that they’re disabled. I can’t say for sure whether scars from depression years ago would trigger that protection, but no sensible HR person should care enough to argue it. I’d go back to HR and tell them you’re sure the company is not truly telling someone they need to cover up the signs of a former medical condition, and you will be continuing to follow the same dress code as everyone else. Loop in your boss too, as long as she’s not a similar disaster.
Two additional pieces of information:
1) LW reports that "It’s worth noting that while we are in the lab (which is about 75% of the time) I am wearing a long sleeved lab coat. My arms are visible if she comes into my very high walled cubicle at the beginning or end of the day while I’m checking email or typing up my reports or when I’m eating lunch at my computer. Very occasionally, we will all go out to lunch and she can see them then. Something I didn’t mention in the letter but my spouse also works at the same company. She is very flirty with them (they do not reciprocate) so I wonder if that may be part of the reasoning behind this complaint. "
Also LW#2 detailed their conversation with HR: "The HR person told me that it was unprofessional to wear short sleeves as my arms were scarred and I had obviously attempted suicide at one time. She went on to say that Brandy had brought this to her attention and that it made her (Brandy) very uncomfortable and she (Brandy) should be subjected to that “ugly sight”. "
Re: Two additional pieces of information:
Re: Two additional pieces of information:
Re: Two additional pieces of information:
Re: Two additional pieces of information:
The LW should definitely talk to an employment lawyer (or the EEOC, which is free.)
Re: Two additional pieces of information:
Re: Two additional pieces of information:
Re: Two additional pieces of information:
Re: Two additional pieces of information:
I can sorta understand this if the scars were somehow triggering to Brandy, and I can see how that might be possible, but then we'd hope she could express herself with more compassion.
Re: Two additional pieces of information:
But nope, looks like she's just an asshole
Re: Two additional pieces of information:
LW is awesome for healing and moving on from a bad place to being with someone she loves.
And the HR person is full of shit. LW needs to get it down on-record and talk to her lawyer.
no subject
Q. Invasive questions: My boyfriend of eight months, “Adrian,” has a skin condition that causes his scar tissue to be darker, raises it from the rest of the skin, and makes it very noticeable. His hands are heavily scarred from cooking burns, job accidents, childhood injuries, etc. He’s a bit insecure about it, but I’ve assured him that his scars are just another part of him I love. But recently I took Adrian to a family event, and I was horrified by how many of my relatives thought it was acceptable to comment on his scars! One of my aunts even gasped aloud and asked what happened to him. I would expect that behavior from kids in the family, but certainly not from adults—I was embarrassed and upset by my family’s behavior. Adrian handled it very well, as he’s used to fielding those kinds of rude and personal questions, but am I overreacting to be worried about introducing him to the rest of my family? Is there a way to ask my family members not to comment on his scars?
A: I’m so sorry your relatives treated Adrian so rudely. You certainly can ask the rest of them not to comment on his scars. All you have to do is say, “I’m really excited for you to meet Adrian. I’m embarrassed to even have to mention this because I’m sure it would never enter your head to do such a thing, but sometimes when I’ve introduced Adrian to friends of mine, they’ve asked very rude and intrusive questions about his scars. But I know you’ll be friendly, polite, and beautifully mannered when you meet him. You always are.”
no subject
no subject
Yeah, me too!
I have some scars on my neck/shoulder from burns I received as an 18 month old baby [no one was watching me, and I pulled a percolator full of boiling water down on myself by yanking on a cord]
and people asked about them a lot when I was a child/teen
but I don't think anyone[1] has asked about them since I was 20...
[1] apart from medical professionals during a medical consultation, which feels reasonable/appropriate.
no subject
no subject
It happens less frequently now that I’m in my 40’s, but there’s a big one on my thigh that occasioned a number of rude “What happened to YOU??!?” comments as a teenager and younger adult.
However, I never discount the probability that racism often factors into people’s decision to be rude, and you’re absolutely right that keloid scarring is a lot more common in people with darker skin.