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agonyaunt2020-02-27 12:33 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2020-02-27 12:33 pm
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Dear Prudence: Help! I Want to Support My Friend—but She’s a Witch Who Tears Down My Christian Faith
Q. Can’t support a pagan friend: I’m a thirtysomething who lives in a midsize West Coast city with very liberal sensibilities that I share. There’s a reason I moved here! I am also a Christian who goes to a mainstream Protestant church. I’ve never seen much disconnect between the two and I have many friends of other faiths, primarily Muslim and Jewish, whose religious functions I sometimes attend, like a wedding or a child’s entry into life or their religion. I value getting to experience these things with my friends and learning more about them, their religions, and the world. I grew up poor in the South but was lucky that we were always clean, well-fed, and warm. A good friend who lived in my neighborhood could not say the same and her unfortunate start in life has affected her ability to thrive as an adult. She is divorced from an abusive husband, in recovery for alcoholism, and trying to support two children with little help from her ex and often active hindrance from her dysfunctional family. Health issues make it hard for her to work, and poverty gets in the way of her work as well, as she sometimes can’t afford a uniform she needs or fix her car to get to work, and has been fired from one position because of her bad teeth that are a result of years of not having money to care for them. I have a lot of sympathy for her and her children.
She has written a few children’s books about her faith and has set up a small independent internet business to offer services connected with her belief system. I would love to support her, but she is pagan/Wiccan. This isn’t exactly a problem, as I don’t think it’s immoral. I just don’t want a children’s book on spells or to spend money on a tarot reading. My old friend spends a lot of time online talking about things like her “marriage” to a Norse deity that just make me roll my eyes in a way I know I should be ashamed about. I could probably get over my aversion to this and at least donate to her nonreligious crowdsourcing page that is just asking for money for utilities and food for her kids, but she also spends a lot of time online talking about how awful Christians are. Just Christians. While I know I’m not fully supportive of her faith, at least I know it’s bad of me to judge her on hers. I would never publicly demean her or her religion, much less do it several times a week. I feel so bad for her and would like to help, but every time I get close to donating, I just think about how much she hates people of my faith. Should I donate anyway?
A: I imagine at least part of the reason you’d never speak angrily or demeaningly about Wiccans or pagans in public is because Wiccans and pagans, as a group, do not wield a disproportionate amount of social or political power in the United States, whereas non-Christians in this country (particularly people who were raised Christian) don’t always get to choose how or when or on what grounds they experience Christianity. That doesn’t mean you’re obligated to listen to her vent or that you should apologize for your own faith, but it might prove a helpful corrective when you’re tempted to compare your respective situations. It doesn’t sound like she’s trying to strong-arm you into debating when you get together in person, so if your main problem is how she conducts herself online, I’d encourage you to mute her posts on social media so you don’t have to read them. And you certainly don’t have to buy books you won’t read or tarot readings that don’t interest you! She sounds like a person who’s speaking from a great deal of pain. That doesn’t mean she’s perfect or justified in everything she says or does; if she speaks rudely to you or you’d like to register an objection to something she says, you are absolutely within your rights to do so as a friend. But it is a useful and important context, I think. Look for opportunities to be gracious and patient with her.
As to whether you should donate, you are of course free to spend money and choose friends as you like. But if you’re looking for guidance in keeping with your own religious tradition, I’d encourage you to meditate on Matthew 5:44 (“I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which spitefully use you and persecute you”), Proverbs 3:27 (“Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in the power of your hand to do so”), Proverbs 11:25 (“The generous soul will be made rich, and he who waters will be watered himself”), Luke 6:32–38 (“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. … If you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? … Give and it shall be given to you; good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you”), Matthew 6:3–4 (“When you do a charitable deed, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, that your charitable deed may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will Himself reward you openly”), and Matthew 19:21 (“Jesus said to him, ‘If you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me’ ”). There’s also the option of occasionally offering to babysit or take the kids to the dentist, shop at the grocery store, or help run errands if you don’t have the funds but want to give her a hand. Build up for yourself a treasure in heaven where thieves cannot get in and steal, where moths and rust cannot destroy; give gratuitously and without expectation of reciprocation or praise, and you will be acting in accordance with your religion.
She has written a few children’s books about her faith and has set up a small independent internet business to offer services connected with her belief system. I would love to support her, but she is pagan/Wiccan. This isn’t exactly a problem, as I don’t think it’s immoral. I just don’t want a children’s book on spells or to spend money on a tarot reading. My old friend spends a lot of time online talking about things like her “marriage” to a Norse deity that just make me roll my eyes in a way I know I should be ashamed about. I could probably get over my aversion to this and at least donate to her nonreligious crowdsourcing page that is just asking for money for utilities and food for her kids, but she also spends a lot of time online talking about how awful Christians are. Just Christians. While I know I’m not fully supportive of her faith, at least I know it’s bad of me to judge her on hers. I would never publicly demean her or her religion, much less do it several times a week. I feel so bad for her and would like to help, but every time I get close to donating, I just think about how much she hates people of my faith. Should I donate anyway?
A: I imagine at least part of the reason you’d never speak angrily or demeaningly about Wiccans or pagans in public is because Wiccans and pagans, as a group, do not wield a disproportionate amount of social or political power in the United States, whereas non-Christians in this country (particularly people who were raised Christian) don’t always get to choose how or when or on what grounds they experience Christianity. That doesn’t mean you’re obligated to listen to her vent or that you should apologize for your own faith, but it might prove a helpful corrective when you’re tempted to compare your respective situations. It doesn’t sound like she’s trying to strong-arm you into debating when you get together in person, so if your main problem is how she conducts herself online, I’d encourage you to mute her posts on social media so you don’t have to read them. And you certainly don’t have to buy books you won’t read or tarot readings that don’t interest you! She sounds like a person who’s speaking from a great deal of pain. That doesn’t mean she’s perfect or justified in everything she says or does; if she speaks rudely to you or you’d like to register an objection to something she says, you are absolutely within your rights to do so as a friend. But it is a useful and important context, I think. Look for opportunities to be gracious and patient with her.
As to whether you should donate, you are of course free to spend money and choose friends as you like. But if you’re looking for guidance in keeping with your own religious tradition, I’d encourage you to meditate on Matthew 5:44 (“I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which spitefully use you and persecute you”), Proverbs 3:27 (“Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in the power of your hand to do so”), Proverbs 11:25 (“The generous soul will be made rich, and he who waters will be watered himself”), Luke 6:32–38 (“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. … If you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? … Give and it shall be given to you; good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you”), Matthew 6:3–4 (“When you do a charitable deed, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, that your charitable deed may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will Himself reward you openly”), and Matthew 19:21 (“Jesus said to him, ‘If you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me’ ”). There’s also the option of occasionally offering to babysit or take the kids to the dentist, shop at the grocery store, or help run errands if you don’t have the funds but want to give her a hand. Build up for yourself a treasure in heaven where thieves cannot get in and steal, where moths and rust cannot destroy; give gratuitously and without expectation of reciprocation or praise, and you will be acting in accordance with your religion.
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