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agonyaunt2020-02-07 01:32 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2020-02-07 01:32 pm
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Dear Prudence: Homophobic grandparents vs my daughter over my upcoming wedding
Dear Prudence,
I am a bisexual man who recently got engaged to my wonderful boyfriend, “Pete.” Before that I was married to my high school girlfriend, “Kate.” We got married after an accidental pregnancy and faced enormous family pressure. (Both our families are evangelical Christians.) We both loved our daughter, but the marriage was never happy, and we divorced when she was 4. Now we’re great friends and co-parents, and our daughter is 14. Both Kate and I like each other’s partners. Everything should be great, but both Kate’s family and mine are behaving outrageously. Obviously they handled my coming out as bisexual after the divorce very badly, but we’d at least settled into a frosty silence on the subject, which was fine by me since I only see them a few times a year.
Now that I’m engaged, all bets are off. My parents received the news coldly and immediately wanted to know if I understood how “tacky” it would be to have a big second wedding. We do want to have a big wedding! My parents and sisters have started spamming me almost daily with emails and Facebook messages linking to articles with titles like “Top 10 Tacky Wedding Behaviors” and “How to Have a Second Wedding With Class.” My former in-laws got angry with my daughter for being excited about our wedding and told her it wasn’t a “real wedding” and she shouldn’t attend. Kate has roundly scolded them for it and isn’t sure she wants to speak to them again. Our daughter doesn’t want to see any of her grandparents.
I just feel terrible. I have tried for so long to keep the peace with my complicated extended family. My fiancé has met them exactly once and is not keen to repeat the experience. Now I am wondering if it would be OK to just cut them all off or if that would be a bad thing for my daughter. I’ve always encouraged her to have an independent relationship with her grandparents, whatever my problems with them may be. I’m scared to send her to see my parents next week. How should I handle these people, and what’s the best thing to do for my daughter?
—Is It Tacky?
People who use the words classy and tacky do not have good taste and can be safely, routinely ignored. I understand your desire to make sure your daughter can have a relationship with her grandparents, but at a certain point, her own values and desires have to come into play. She’s a teenager, and her feelings of anger and hurt are totally understandable. Her grandparents have insulted her father and her family, and she has the right to say she’s not ready to see them yet. When she is ready to see them, check in with them before your daughter goes to make sure they can agree to not criticize or badger her for supporting your wedding. If they can’t, don’t send her over.
You can set a boundary with your in-laws and parents (for example, “Until you can refrain from criticizing my sexuality or telling me I have to have a tiny, shame-based wedding, we won’t be able to get together”) while still leaving the door slightly open for future reconciliation should they decide to start behaving themselves. Not all estrangements are permanent, and it may be that a solid, sustained consequence like not seeing you for a while will teach them to keep quiet when they can’t say anything nice. It may even lead to an eventual change of heart.
And tell them why you’re blocking their emails and social media messages. Then block them! My God, you don’t have to put up with that sort of nonsense for another minute. Have a wonderful, splashy wedding.
I am a bisexual man who recently got engaged to my wonderful boyfriend, “Pete.” Before that I was married to my high school girlfriend, “Kate.” We got married after an accidental pregnancy and faced enormous family pressure. (Both our families are evangelical Christians.) We both loved our daughter, but the marriage was never happy, and we divorced when she was 4. Now we’re great friends and co-parents, and our daughter is 14. Both Kate and I like each other’s partners. Everything should be great, but both Kate’s family and mine are behaving outrageously. Obviously they handled my coming out as bisexual after the divorce very badly, but we’d at least settled into a frosty silence on the subject, which was fine by me since I only see them a few times a year.
Now that I’m engaged, all bets are off. My parents received the news coldly and immediately wanted to know if I understood how “tacky” it would be to have a big second wedding. We do want to have a big wedding! My parents and sisters have started spamming me almost daily with emails and Facebook messages linking to articles with titles like “Top 10 Tacky Wedding Behaviors” and “How to Have a Second Wedding With Class.” My former in-laws got angry with my daughter for being excited about our wedding and told her it wasn’t a “real wedding” and she shouldn’t attend. Kate has roundly scolded them for it and isn’t sure she wants to speak to them again. Our daughter doesn’t want to see any of her grandparents.
I just feel terrible. I have tried for so long to keep the peace with my complicated extended family. My fiancé has met them exactly once and is not keen to repeat the experience. Now I am wondering if it would be OK to just cut them all off or if that would be a bad thing for my daughter. I’ve always encouraged her to have an independent relationship with her grandparents, whatever my problems with them may be. I’m scared to send her to see my parents next week. How should I handle these people, and what’s the best thing to do for my daughter?
—Is It Tacky?
People who use the words classy and tacky do not have good taste and can be safely, routinely ignored. I understand your desire to make sure your daughter can have a relationship with her grandparents, but at a certain point, her own values and desires have to come into play. She’s a teenager, and her feelings of anger and hurt are totally understandable. Her grandparents have insulted her father and her family, and she has the right to say she’s not ready to see them yet. When she is ready to see them, check in with them before your daughter goes to make sure they can agree to not criticize or badger her for supporting your wedding. If they can’t, don’t send her over.
You can set a boundary with your in-laws and parents (for example, “Until you can refrain from criticizing my sexuality or telling me I have to have a tiny, shame-based wedding, we won’t be able to get together”) while still leaving the door slightly open for future reconciliation should they decide to start behaving themselves. Not all estrangements are permanent, and it may be that a solid, sustained consequence like not seeing you for a while will teach them to keep quiet when they can’t say anything nice. It may even lead to an eventual change of heart.
And tell them why you’re blocking their emails and social media messages. Then block them! My God, you don’t have to put up with that sort of nonsense for another minute. Have a wonderful, splashy wedding.
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Have an AWESOME wedding! Kiss your husband for me!
But don't make your daughter visit your parents! What if they do something like sue for custody based on the 'immorality' of your home? Besides, she doesn't want to visit people who insulted her dad and his fiancé and her family! Eeek!
Dear 'Kate':
You are made of awesome and I want to buy you a drink.
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Disown the parents and make sure everything is squared away vis-a-vis custody and wills &c, including having Pete legally adopt the daughter, so that in case both of the parents die she never, ever has to go to her grandparents.
In the mean time, also, stop facilitating any contact between the daughter and the grands--she's 14; she's old enough to have a relationship with them on her own terms when and if she wants one. She probably has a cell phone, and if visiting is in the cards then the grands can deal with logistics, including paying for travel.
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You should support your daughter in whatever she chooses. If you're concerned, you can emphasize that you will support her no matter what, even if she decides she does want to talk to her grandparents again.
Also! Lots of people do not have this good a relationship with their ex! You and Kate are to be commended.
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