Dear Abby: Talkin' 'bout adoption (or not)

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I have been happily married for 30 years. Many years ago I found out, inadvertently, that my wife is adopted. (My wife has no siblings, and her parents died when she was in college.) Concerned that she might not know about it, I contacted senior members of her family to confirm. They all confirmed what I had heard and said my wife knows about it.

I think it's odd she never shared this with me. It wouldn't change things between us, but it bothers me that she has never told me. To the best of my knowledge, she has no idea that I know. I am having major heart surgery in the fall, and this is something I would like to discuss with her before I do. I'm curious to hear your thoughts. -- LEFT OUT

DEAR LEFT OUT: Tell your wife what you learned, that you're surprised she never mentioned it, and ask her why. It's a fair question, and being adopted is nothing to be ashamed of.

Comments

[recessional]

I would add that it may be a slightly fraught conversation being as while what she says is totally true it CAN be a very emotionally complicated and loaded topic for an adoptee, but otherwise that's more or less the advice I'd give. I can understand both why she might not bring it up and why he might feel bothered she hasn't, and there isn't any solution for that except "talk about it with her."

[cereta]

This is another one that I'm curious to see others' reactions. For those who don't know me: I'm adopted, and connected with my birth mother's family literally just months ago. On the one hand, it never occurred to me that being adopted was shameful (and I was always puzzled when the random, not-in-my-immediate-family adult treated it as something to tiptoe around), but it was and still is something that eventually comes up in most relationships that are more than casual acquaintanceships. It seems odd to me that in 30 years of marriage, it hasn't even come up in the subject of health issues.

ETA: I should add that I don't discount the possibility that it's painful for her in some way, although I think I expect the family members the LW spoke to to know that, which may be giving them too much credit.

[delphi]

I agree - I'm the child of donor insemination and these days, even that tends to eventually come up with friends, and I certainly wouldn't hide it from a spouse.

That said, this may hinge on what the writer's wife knows about the circumstances of her adoption. We have two adoptions in my extended family of people who are aware they were conceived out of incest. I can easily imagine a couple of situations where family members know about the adoption but not about the birth parents, but the writer's wife does and is fearful about being judged.

[amadi]

Is it compulsory that a spouse know the details of one's parentage? We have no idea what trauma this woman has had to work through with regard to her adoption, nor do the relatives the husband spoke to. 30 years of silence suggests she has good reason not to discuss it. 30 years of happy marriage says it doesn't make a difference, so why on earth would he risk possibly traumatizing her now just because he's having surgery? Ridiculous.