cereta: (hardison2)
Lucy ([personal profile] cereta) wrote in [community profile] agonyaunt2015-06-16 08:01 pm
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Dear Abby: Talkin' 'bout adoption (or not)

DEAR ABBY: I have been happily married for 30 years. Many years ago I found out, inadvertently, that my wife is adopted. (My wife has no siblings, and her parents died when she was in college.) Concerned that she might not know about it, I contacted senior members of her family to confirm. They all confirmed what I had heard and said my wife knows about it.

I think it's odd she never shared this with me. It wouldn't change things between us, but it bothers me that she has never told me. To the best of my knowledge, she has no idea that I know. I am having major heart surgery in the fall, and this is something I would like to discuss with her before I do. I'm curious to hear your thoughts. -- LEFT OUT

DEAR LEFT OUT: Tell your wife what you learned, that you're surprised she never mentioned it, and ask her why. It's a fair question, and being adopted is nothing to be ashamed of.
delphi: An illustrated crow kicks a little ball of snow with a contemplative expression. (Default)

[personal profile] delphi 2015-06-17 04:12 pm (UTC)(link)
I agree - I'm the child of donor insemination and these days, even that tends to eventually come up with friends, and I certainly wouldn't hide it from a spouse.

That said, this may hinge on what the writer's wife knows about the circumstances of her adoption. We have two adoptions in my extended family of people who are aware they were conceived out of incest. I can easily imagine a couple of situations where family members know about the adoption but not about the birth parents, but the writer's wife does and is fearful about being judged.