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agonyaunt2019-12-07 09:18 pm
colorwheel) wrote in agonyaunt2019-12-07 09:18 pm
Care & Feeding (Nicole Cliffe)
[CW ableism]
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have two very young children with severe developmental disabilities (physical and cognitive) who will need lifelong care. They are sweet, lovely, funny small people, and everyone in our extended family has rallied around us and visits often to support us in looking after them. Everyone, that is, except my brother, who has seen them twice for a few hours each time and never calls or emails. When my daughter was hospitalized for epilepsy, he called my mother to ream her out for not telling him how serious their genetic condition was, as it affected his plans to have children with his wife one day. He did not contact me to see if she was OK.
Recently we redid our wills and had to decide who we wished to be guardians of our kids if something were to happen to both my husband and me. Because of the physical strength needed to care for the kids, we decided it wouldn’t be right to ask the grandparents to take that on when my husband and I each have a brother. My brother-in-law is a great guy and agreed to be first in line, but our attorney suggested we name a second guardian just in case.
I thought that since my brother and his wife are financially well-off, plan to have kids, and are at heart the sort of people you’d expect to rise to the occasion in such a dreadful scenario, he would say yes. He said no, and gave no reason other than “we’re not comfortable with it.” At this point, I really want nothing further to do with him. Taking care of my children and giving them a good life has become such a big part of who I am now that I don’t feel I can have a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be around them. He texted me to wish me happy birthday, and I just deleted it. Is it worth keeping up the appearance of a relationship? Or is it OK to simply ghost him until he apologizes for his coldhearted behavior?
—Callous Brother
Dear CB,
There are two separate issues here, I think. One is that your brother is extremely selfish and completely uninterested in your children and apparently you, and that’s extremely frustrating and unfortunate. You may or may not care enough about him at this point to try to get an apology or even seek to attain civility at family events. You are the only person who can answer that, but you are under no obligation to interact with him in any way.
The other is that when asking people to be possible guardians for our children (even second-tier just-in-case guardians), especially our children who will need a high level of support as adults and for the rest of their lives, the thing we need more than anything else is … complete honesty.
He certainly gave you that. He doesn’t want to do it. He told you so. He doesn’t feel about them the way you do. He would be a bad guardian. And it’s good that he told you so, no matter how much it hurts.
Find a secondary guardian who will agree fully and also, please, make sure these conversations include some very serious estate planning to do the best you can to make financial provision for their care. You have a lawyer walking you through this, so I highly doubt this has not occurred to you.
I wish you the very best of luck.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have two very young children with severe developmental disabilities (physical and cognitive) who will need lifelong care. They are sweet, lovely, funny small people, and everyone in our extended family has rallied around us and visits often to support us in looking after them. Everyone, that is, except my brother, who has seen them twice for a few hours each time and never calls or emails. When my daughter was hospitalized for epilepsy, he called my mother to ream her out for not telling him how serious their genetic condition was, as it affected his plans to have children with his wife one day. He did not contact me to see if she was OK.
Recently we redid our wills and had to decide who we wished to be guardians of our kids if something were to happen to both my husband and me. Because of the physical strength needed to care for the kids, we decided it wouldn’t be right to ask the grandparents to take that on when my husband and I each have a brother. My brother-in-law is a great guy and agreed to be first in line, but our attorney suggested we name a second guardian just in case.
I thought that since my brother and his wife are financially well-off, plan to have kids, and are at heart the sort of people you’d expect to rise to the occasion in such a dreadful scenario, he would say yes. He said no, and gave no reason other than “we’re not comfortable with it.” At this point, I really want nothing further to do with him. Taking care of my children and giving them a good life has become such a big part of who I am now that I don’t feel I can have a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be around them. He texted me to wish me happy birthday, and I just deleted it. Is it worth keeping up the appearance of a relationship? Or is it OK to simply ghost him until he apologizes for his coldhearted behavior?
—Callous Brother
Dear CB,
There are two separate issues here, I think. One is that your brother is extremely selfish and completely uninterested in your children and apparently you, and that’s extremely frustrating and unfortunate. You may or may not care enough about him at this point to try to get an apology or even seek to attain civility at family events. You are the only person who can answer that, but you are under no obligation to interact with him in any way.
The other is that when asking people to be possible guardians for our children (even second-tier just-in-case guardians), especially our children who will need a high level of support as adults and for the rest of their lives, the thing we need more than anything else is … complete honesty.
He certainly gave you that. He doesn’t want to do it. He told you so. He doesn’t feel about them the way you do. He would be a bad guardian. And it’s good that he told you so, no matter how much it hurts.
Find a secondary guardian who will agree fully and also, please, make sure these conversations include some very serious estate planning to do the best you can to make financial provision for their care. You have a lawyer walking you through this, so I highly doubt this has not occurred to you.
I wish you the very best of luck.
no subject
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My brother was... not great when we had a kid. He's really worked on that and gotten better, but he's still never so much as babysat. (We live in the same city. My child is about to turn four years old.) He is not on our "in the event of doom" documents; a dear friend of ours, whom our child knows well and who is raising a kid of her own with similar disabilities, is. Practicality wins out over blood.
Also, good on the LW for getting all their paperwork in order.
no subject
OTOH, maybe the LW was hoping that, deep down, family would win, or something. I personally think that was foolish, because I think people often overemphasize blood family over all else (see: everyone who has actively covered up a major crime a family member committed) and underemphasize family of heart, but, well, the heart has its reasons of which reason knows not.
no subject
LW's brother may be selfish for OTHER behaviour, but not for refusing to be a guardian.
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As far as the selfishness, I was hovering around "Brother is just mildly detached from family and isn't the sort to notice when people want actual or emotional support" until LW got to called my mother to ream her out for not telling him how serious their genetic condition was, as it affected his plans to have children with his wife one day at which point I wanted to smack him. Wanting family to share information about genetic conditions I am 1000000% in favor of, as you know. Caring enough to yell at your mom but not enough to call your sibling, though? You can fuck right off with that BS. That's what LW should ghost him for, not the guardianship.
no subject
After the hospitalisation incident I would have crossed him off the list for guardianship anyway.
I'm glad he said no and wasn't drawn on detail. In LW's position I wouldn't really want to hear in detail everything that make my kids unwanted by their uncle - it's enough to hear that No and act accordingly.
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To me, the OP comes across as understandably very focused on herself and her children but perhaps lacking in awareness that her children aren't as important to everyone else.
It sounds like she has a lot of family support which is great but that she has lost track of the fact that other people don't owe her childcare.
Yes it would have been nice if her brother had cared more during hospitalization but my siblings in law didn't really contact us when our son has had surgeries so I don't think it's that strange
no subject
It has to hurt a lot for the LW to hear, but it's much better to find out now that her brother isn't guardian material, nor does he want to be her kids' guardian, than for it to come out years down the line.
no subject
There may be other things her brother could do in the event of her death (for example, be a trustee for funds managed on the children's behalf) which would be best kept separate from day-to-day care. A solid trustee is hard to find, and she shouldn't burn bridges with her brother because he has not pivoted to make her children the center of his life.
Lastly, his feelings could change. That isn't her job or anyone else's, but not pushing his boundaries and giving him space is respectful.