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agonyaunt2019-12-07 09:18 pm
colorwheel) wrote in agonyaunt2019-12-07 09:18 pm
Care & Feeding (Nicole Cliffe)
[CW ableism]
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have two very young children with severe developmental disabilities (physical and cognitive) who will need lifelong care. They are sweet, lovely, funny small people, and everyone in our extended family has rallied around us and visits often to support us in looking after them. Everyone, that is, except my brother, who has seen them twice for a few hours each time and never calls or emails. When my daughter was hospitalized for epilepsy, he called my mother to ream her out for not telling him how serious their genetic condition was, as it affected his plans to have children with his wife one day. He did not contact me to see if she was OK.
Recently we redid our wills and had to decide who we wished to be guardians of our kids if something were to happen to both my husband and me. Because of the physical strength needed to care for the kids, we decided it wouldn’t be right to ask the grandparents to take that on when my husband and I each have a brother. My brother-in-law is a great guy and agreed to be first in line, but our attorney suggested we name a second guardian just in case.
I thought that since my brother and his wife are financially well-off, plan to have kids, and are at heart the sort of people you’d expect to rise to the occasion in such a dreadful scenario, he would say yes. He said no, and gave no reason other than “we’re not comfortable with it.” At this point, I really want nothing further to do with him. Taking care of my children and giving them a good life has become such a big part of who I am now that I don’t feel I can have a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be around them. He texted me to wish me happy birthday, and I just deleted it. Is it worth keeping up the appearance of a relationship? Or is it OK to simply ghost him until he apologizes for his coldhearted behavior?
—Callous Brother
Dear CB,
There are two separate issues here, I think. One is that your brother is extremely selfish and completely uninterested in your children and apparently you, and that’s extremely frustrating and unfortunate. You may or may not care enough about him at this point to try to get an apology or even seek to attain civility at family events. You are the only person who can answer that, but you are under no obligation to interact with him in any way.
The other is that when asking people to be possible guardians for our children (even second-tier just-in-case guardians), especially our children who will need a high level of support as adults and for the rest of their lives, the thing we need more than anything else is … complete honesty.
He certainly gave you that. He doesn’t want to do it. He told you so. He doesn’t feel about them the way you do. He would be a bad guardian. And it’s good that he told you so, no matter how much it hurts.
Find a secondary guardian who will agree fully and also, please, make sure these conversations include some very serious estate planning to do the best you can to make financial provision for their care. You have a lawyer walking you through this, so I highly doubt this has not occurred to you.
I wish you the very best of luck.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have two very young children with severe developmental disabilities (physical and cognitive) who will need lifelong care. They are sweet, lovely, funny small people, and everyone in our extended family has rallied around us and visits often to support us in looking after them. Everyone, that is, except my brother, who has seen them twice for a few hours each time and never calls or emails. When my daughter was hospitalized for epilepsy, he called my mother to ream her out for not telling him how serious their genetic condition was, as it affected his plans to have children with his wife one day. He did not contact me to see if she was OK.
Recently we redid our wills and had to decide who we wished to be guardians of our kids if something were to happen to both my husband and me. Because of the physical strength needed to care for the kids, we decided it wouldn’t be right to ask the grandparents to take that on when my husband and I each have a brother. My brother-in-law is a great guy and agreed to be first in line, but our attorney suggested we name a second guardian just in case.
I thought that since my brother and his wife are financially well-off, plan to have kids, and are at heart the sort of people you’d expect to rise to the occasion in such a dreadful scenario, he would say yes. He said no, and gave no reason other than “we’re not comfortable with it.” At this point, I really want nothing further to do with him. Taking care of my children and giving them a good life has become such a big part of who I am now that I don’t feel I can have a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be around them. He texted me to wish me happy birthday, and I just deleted it. Is it worth keeping up the appearance of a relationship? Or is it OK to simply ghost him until he apologizes for his coldhearted behavior?
—Callous Brother
Dear CB,
There are two separate issues here, I think. One is that your brother is extremely selfish and completely uninterested in your children and apparently you, and that’s extremely frustrating and unfortunate. You may or may not care enough about him at this point to try to get an apology or even seek to attain civility at family events. You are the only person who can answer that, but you are under no obligation to interact with him in any way.
The other is that when asking people to be possible guardians for our children (even second-tier just-in-case guardians), especially our children who will need a high level of support as adults and for the rest of their lives, the thing we need more than anything else is … complete honesty.
He certainly gave you that. He doesn’t want to do it. He told you so. He doesn’t feel about them the way you do. He would be a bad guardian. And it’s good that he told you so, no matter how much it hurts.
Find a secondary guardian who will agree fully and also, please, make sure these conversations include some very serious estate planning to do the best you can to make financial provision for their care. You have a lawyer walking you through this, so I highly doubt this has not occurred to you.
I wish you the very best of luck.
no subject
no subject
My brother was... not great when we had a kid. He's really worked on that and gotten better, but he's still never so much as babysat. (We live in the same city. My child is about to turn four years old.) He is not on our "in the event of doom" documents; a dear friend of ours, whom our child knows well and who is raising a kid of her own with similar disabilities, is. Practicality wins out over blood.
Also, good on the LW for getting all their paperwork in order.
no subject
OTOH, maybe the LW was hoping that, deep down, family would win, or something. I personally think that was foolish, because I think people often overemphasize blood family over all else (see: everyone who has actively covered up a major crime a family member committed) and underemphasize family of heart, but, well, the heart has its reasons of which reason knows not.