agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Annie: My husband used to hold my hand when we were out and would always give me little pats and rubs just to let me know he was still interested in me. But once he had prostate surgery, it was like someone flipped a switch. He immediately ceased all contact. I realize we can no longer have sex the way we used to, but we can still give each other pleasure.

But here is the real problem: My husband is sometimes incontinent and must wear an adult diaper. I could live with this except that he doesn't change it for several days at a time. You can only imagine how he smells. He says he doesn't notice it, but I gag when I'm near him.

I have told him he needs to change the diaper more often and take daily showers. He'll try for a bit, but then reverts back to his nasty ways. In the meantime, I can't even get close enough to kiss him. What do I do? -- Missing It

Dear Missing: It's possible your husband wants you to keep your distance, and this is one way to ensure it. It's also possible he is depressed about his current condition and has stopped caring about his hygiene. Suggest he speak to his doctor (or you can call his doctor's office and leave a message explaining the problem). In the meantime, remind him gently when it's time to shower and change.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/anniesmailbox/s-2295477

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I'd be less worried about depression and more worried about senility, tbh. Instead of giving him "gentle reminders" and "suggesting" he talk to the doctor, make the appointment and go with him. There is something wrong here. I suppose depression can cause this too, but either way, "gentle reminders" are not going to help until you know what's causing this.

This. Also, what kind of dumbass advice was that, Annie?

Seriously. I generally rebel at the idea of wives having to mother their husbands, but health care is my one exception, because good GOD can men be weird about going to the doctor (or telling the doctor what is wrong once they're there, or not downplaying it if they do tell). As you said, something is very wrong here.

Given what's described, I wouldn't chalk this up to the ill person being a baby about going to the doctor, but to whatever cognitive impairment or mental illness is causing this behavior in the first place.

All of this. Plus, smell is the least of the problems if he is not changing it for days. He could be getting all sorts of infections from that situation.

I am pretty sure that if your husband is desperate enough to keep you away that he chooses to NOT CHANGE HIS DIAPER FOR DAYS AT A TIME you'd have noticed some other signs first.

Just, WHAT, Annie.

1. Is he Depressed;

2. Is he not showering/not changing his diaper because he doesn't want to look at the surgery site because it emotionally distresses him?

3. Is he angry at his wife for some reason and trying to punish her?

Holy lede burying, Batman.

There are better, more hygienic ways to get your spouse to keep their distance. And, well. Someone reeking of multiple days of bowel movements warrants something a bit stronger than a gentle reminder to bathe. The only part of Annie's advice I agree with is the part where she suggests calling the doctor. This man needs help, and he doesn't seem inclined to seek it out himself.

I think the only issue is bladder, not bowel - but who knows!

This is not the default outcome for prostate surgery. No wonder the man is depressed. Get to a doctor! ASAP!

While it's entirely possible there is a massive problem here, I think some commenters aboe may be misreading the actual state of things re: hygiene:

--it's likely by "incontinence" it just means "minor leakage", so it's probably not that he's wandering around for days with a full diaper, just a less-than-immaculate one.
--people can be pretty gross, and especially if they're older, "daily showers" as a universal norm is actually a relatively recent change anyway. She didn't actually say the non-daily showers thing was new. He may have not been taking daily showers (or having daily underwear changes) even before the surgery, it's just that leakage into a diaper has changed these habits from "slightly gross" to "intolerable".

...that said, if he's stopped touching her affectionately at all, he's probably, if not actually depressed about his sexual changes, at least having a lot of trouble dealing with them, and needs to talk to someone regardless.

When my dad was older (not sick or disabled), he started going longer between showers because his skin was dry. Eventually he was going so long that he started having an odor, and Mom asked him what was up.

It turned out that some of his lifelong shower habits -- shaking his head to shake the water out of his hair, stuff like that -- were making him dizzy and making his heart pound, and he hated that feeling, so he was putting off showering.

Which sounded silly to me, except that when I was on a medication that made my heart pound when I walked, I ... stopped walking. Because it made me feel out of shape and embarrassed and ashamed.

I think that if these folks have a doctor who will actually talk to them and listen to them without a stopwatch, the wife should make an appointment, take the husband to it, and stay long enough to tell the doctor what's happening and what her concerns are.

Also, obviously, "You need to change your undergarment when it's been wet" is one conversation and "I miss holding your hand and I want to do something to feel close to you -- what would be nice for you?" is another one, even though they may both spring from his health issues.

I mean, maybe but you need to change your knickers daily whether you get them wet or not so the same goes for a nappy.

Not disagreeing! People should!

But someone who doesn't, doesn't automatically mean they're horribly depressed or in a health crisis, could just mean they've *always* been a bit disgusting in personal habits. You might be surprised at the number of people who don't.

[Not an excuse, but a possible factor] is money tight after prostate surgery?
Is he trying to make diapers last longer because adult diapers are quite expensive?