agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Care and Feeding,

We live in a drought-impaired area; my in-laws reside in one of the wettest places in North America. Although we have official water-use restrictions, my in-laws ignore them when they visit: taking 40-minute showers, running the dishwasher (which came with the house but which we don’t use) multiple times daily, brushing their teeth with the water running, etc. But their biggest complaint is our lack of lawn: They openly hate on our xeriscaping and food garden.

The problem is how the kids react to them. I got an earful from my mother-in-law after our 11-year-old politely explained what she’d learned at school about the importance of water conservation in a desert community. Her grandmother was insulted and reprimanded my daughter sternly. She was concerned about how the kids “won’t grow up normally with these crazy restrictions” and without a lawn to play on. To that end, my father-in-law attempted to secretly have a lawn installed because “kids needs lawns.” Our 8-year-old son has bought into it and is now begging for a lawn so he can be like “normal kids.” The thing is, few if any people in our area have lawns, and certainly no kids at his school do, so it’s hardly normal.

So, how do we handle this? What do I say to my daughter about her conversation with her grandmother? To my ears, she was being kind, even saying things like, “I understand that it rains all the time where you live, but … ” However, her grandmother took it as being stubborn and argumentative. Now the two seem distant, and my in-laws clearly favor my son. And what do I say to my son about the lawn which, frankly, is the last thing on God’s not-so-green earth that is going to happen?

—The Lawn Is a Unicorn

Dear TLIaU,

Your father-in-law plotting to install a lawn contrary to your express wishes is giving me life today. I am very sorry. They’re being total dicks. It sounds like your daughter is being respectful and is genuinely confused your mother-in-law doesn’t grasp that different climates require different water restrictions.

(Lawns are horrible, but that’s my personal bias. We have rock landscaping and it rules.)

Look, your son is 8. His grandparents could have pulled this same shit about how “every boy needs a dog.” You tell the grandparents to shut up about the lawn, you tell your son it ain’t happening and you’re done discussing it, you enjoy being part of the solution.

I would be extremely surprised if your weird in-laws decide to permanently estrange themselves from your granddaughter over this, but odder things have happened. Should you invite them again, however, tell your daughter that she’s spoken her piece about the lawn and other water issues, and this time we’re pretending it’s just not a topic.

Did … did he think you would come home from work … to a lawn? Amazing.

—Nicole

https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/11/baby-cries-at-day-care-pickup-care-and-feeding.html

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H- How does one secretly install a lawn?

What?

I am laughing in disbelief that anyone could be that oblivious. Like I know those people exist. But what? Secretly install a lawn?!?

Lady, limit your in-laws time with your kids. Let your kids know their grandparents are out of touch.

Where is your spouse in all this?

Put the sod in while the parents are at work I guess...?

I have family who do landscaping. Putting in a lawn is more involved than slapping down a couple squares of sod. I guess that's not common knowledge?

The spouse is conspicuously absent isn't he?

It took me a minute to realize how careful both the LW and Nicole were to ignore the presence of a spouse. Why isn't your spouse talking to their parents?

It struck me as a very male-shaped absence, which is why I gendered the spouse. "Presumably existing but completely absent from all discussion of the emotional labour, unremarked" feels like something only the male half of a default-het couple can do.

(True equality will be when all genders can be absent unremarked from the handling of relations between their parents and their offspring?)

I am currently consciously trying to break myself of the habit of off-handedly gendering people which is the only reason I didn't use he/him myself.

honestly, this struck me as not really being about the lawn, but about the in-laws' opinions about the LW-in-law.

Why do you still have them as houseguests after the first visit with the 40 minute showers? Running the dishwasher is probably not so bad, as dishwashers are actually more water-efficient than hand-washing, unless the multiple loads is because they aren't waiting for it to fill up.

Agreed on both the first sentence and the second.

This strikes me as grandparents who want to be respected as authorities without regard to whether the facts agree with them or not. They're going to be more trouble, especially when they run into more boundaries they don't like.

The LW is just going to have put up with these people, or decide not to and stop inviting them over. I'd certainly suggest limiting home visits, at the very least.

It'd be nice if LW's spouse dealt with their parents, though. Why is LW handling them, and not LW's spouse?

I'll give you three guesses, and the first two don't count.

Ha!

This, to me, is a "how about we visit you?" issue. Seriously, you in-laws aren't the ones dealing with the fallout from all of this; you and your kids are. I know it's hard to say to parents, "this is no longer a topic of discussion," but if I can do it, it can be done, and I'd say this has gone on long enough.

Secretly install a lawn. Good grief.

In addition to agreeing with every above comment, I grew up in an apartment.

Not all kids have the option of lawns and they do fine!

People who grow up in apartments are irredeemably stunted and nearly subhuman, don't you know. (Yes, people have told me this. Why are people, why, why.)

(I also grew up in an apartment and totally agree with you.)

also, what about the other outdoor space that's around? We went to the (urban, trash-covered, freezing, awesome) beach when I was a kid. Now I don't live on the water but there are schools cat-swinging distance around me in all directions, which means there are public fields everywhere. Is there a skate park? Do the kids play soccer or Pop Warner or Little League? I know it's a terribly urban thing of me to say, but shared outdoor spaces is not only a better way to build a civil society than a private lawn, but it's also a place where you are more likely to find other kids to play with.

Unless the spouse is dead or otherwise really really busy, they should say a thing or three to their parents, shouldn't they?

LW: most dishwashers actually use less water than washing by hand! It can actually be eco friendly!

But yeah fuck a lawn. Fuck those in-laws.

If you run the dishwasher full, yes, it's eco-friendly. If you run it four times a day with a few coffee cups and a couple plates, it's less eco-friendly.

Very true!

I love that Nicole is laughing about secretly installing lawns as we are. I think half the reason she posted this is bc of that line.

LW you have overbearing inlaws. if you haven't gotten your (conspicuously absent in this letter) spouse involved yet NOW IS THE TIME! I also hard agree that visits should be to their part of the country and you guys get to stay in a hotel and not stay with them. (also why not suggest they stay at a hotel next time they visit you?? another win win)

This letter was a hoot. But I am thankful they aren't my inlaws.

Enthusiastically second visiting the inlaws and getting a hotel because it provides emotionally buffering distance. Unfortunately, I think the in-laws are the kind of folks who would resent using a hotel in LW's area, as an extra expense.

true... but then i would say "since you can't spare the expense for a hotel when you visit us, don't. We will visit you." then stay in a hotel.

I live in the driest continent on the planet. Forty. Minute. Showers. WTF EVEN. We're presently talking about (self-)limiting shower time down to 5 minutes in public discourse - pratically unheard of. There are towns that run out of water by the end of the year and they've been bucket washing for the last three.

FORTY FUCKING MINUTES.

Around here, that would be a 100% valid reason to kill a guest, even your in-laws. There's not a jury in the country that would convict you! Deadset. They'd all just nod their heads and say, "Well, 40 minute showers, what else could LW do? Totally justified." The farmers would probably happily take the body and bury it on their land - at least there'd be water in the ground as the corpse decomposed!

I am flabbergasted.

Also: does spouse not have an opinion on their parents' water usage? Or does spouse possibly not have a spine?

OMG, you win the internets here.