I hate the nickname my son’s classmates have adopted. How can I get them to stop?

[conuly]

I love my 7-year-old son’s name, “Andrew,” but I hate the nickname “Andy.” When we named him “Andrew” we agreed to only use the long version and never the nickname. Until this year everyone has called him “Andrew.”

We moved over the summer, and somehow he has become “Andy” in his new school! I’m not sure how it happened, but after participating in a recent classroom event, it’s clear everyone is calling him Andy (kids, teachers, other parents). It has even spilled over into Little League.

My son doesn’t care whether people call him Andrew or Andy. I spoke to him about correcting people when they call him the wrong name, and we’ve practiced what he should say, but he is not an assertive kid, and I doubt he is correcting people often.

I made an appointment with the teacher to discuss the situation. She apologized and said that she would call him Andrew and speak with the “specials” teachers to make sure that they call him Andrew as well. She said she would make one class announcement, but that otherwise she will not correct students for calling him Andy.

As you can imagine, this has been totally ineffective. All the kids are still calling him Andy. I made another appointment with the teacher, but she was not helpful. She said that Andrew never objects to being called Andy and sometimes even introduces himself as Andy (I don’t know whether or not this is true). To me, this is irrelevant. He is 7 years old, I am his mother, and I get to decide what people call him. She is not willing to correct the other students in the moment when they call him Andy. I would like to take this matter to the principal. My husband feels like I’m overreacting. He thinks we shouldn’t make it harder for him to adjust to a new group of kids. If we don’t get this under control now, he will be “Andy” for the rest of his life! Help!

—Not Andy’s Mom

Dear Not Andy’s Mom,

Honestly, there isn’t much a teacher can do (and certainly nothing a principal can do) if peers are calling him “Andy” and your son isn’t correcting them. For every time that a teacher might hear someone call your son “Andy,” there are a hundred or more moments in a day when the teacher will not hear it, or will hear it but fail to register the problem because of more pressing issues on her mind.

I understand that to you it may seem ridiculous that your son’s teacher refuses to correct students when they refer to him as Andy, but I think she is in a tough spot. If your son isn’t correcting his classmates, but she is, that sends very mixed messages to her students. Also, if your son is introducing himself as Andy, now the message is even more muddied.

I can’t even envision how, exactly, that would go: “I know that Andrew doesn’t mind being called Andy, and I know that he introduces himself as Andy, but his mother wants him to be called Andrew, so please do what she wants.”

Your real problem is that your son either likes the name Andy, or doesn’t find it as offensive as you do. The truth is that your son’s friends, classmates, teammates, and many other people in this world will continue to call him Andy until he decides that he wants to be called Andrew.

Rest assured, that if this day comes, he’ll be able to slowly move friends and classmates into the Andrew camp. This happens all the time to the Eddies, Sammys, and Willys of the world who eventually decide they’re Edward, Samantha, and Will. But until then, no amount of teacher intervention is going to correct this problem.

—Mr. Dicks

https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/10/hate-child-nickname-parenting-advice.html

Comments

[conuly]

To me, this is irrelevant. He is 7 years old, I am his mother, and I get to decide what people call him.

No, lady, you don't. He's seven. He gets approximately 1000% more say than you do, and if he's been introducing himself as Andy then I guess he's decided.

Also, I've spent several minutes looking for a Twain quote on this subject to no avail. Argh. Regardless, I can sum it up with "I have no idea why people embark on this futile quest to control what their kids friends call them - by the time the child is in school all day, you don't get to dictate it anymore and you need to get a grip." Hopefully that's the only way in which LW is controlling - this "OMG I CHOOSE MY CHILD'S NAME!!!" is a common affliction even among otherwise reasonable parents.

[fox]

Something something Anne of Avonlea something St. Clair “Jake” Donnell. Mom is not the boss of what other people call her kid, never was in the beginning, and never shall be, world without end, amen.

Also: Lady, did you take your husband’s name when you got married? Lots of people’s names are not in place for the rest of their lives.

A little decaf is what this letter writer needs, JFC.

[frenzy]

> He is 7 years old, I am his mother, and I get to decide what people call him.

Imagine feeling like you have this much authority over another human being.

[conuly]

Yup. And what gets me is that this is an astonishingly common belief, at least with regards to children's names and nicknames.

[kiezh]

Oh my GOD, LW. IT IS NOT YOUR NAME. Back the hell off!

That poor, poor kid. Not assertive? Not surprising, with Control Freak Mom trying to make sure that absolutely everything about his identity, self-presentation, and experience of the world has HER STAMP all over it. I sincerely hope that everyone has just blanked out her bullshit and that other kids aren't teasing him over his mom throwing a fit about his name.

She said that Andrew never objects to being called Andy and sometimes even introduces himself as Andy (I don’t know whether or not this is true). To me, this is irrelevant. He is 7 years old, I am his mother, and I get to decide what people call him.

You got your one (1) chance to decide on a name for him when he was born, LW, and that decision was always going to be subject to his review. He's not your fucking toy. He's a person.


ETA: It is a seriously failure of foresight to name a kid Andrew and expect them NOT to become an Andy later on. I mean, some become Drew instead, or some other nickname, but this is an entirely predictable chain of events and LW should have known that NICKNAMES HAPPEN and not picked a name she hated the short version of.

[conuly]

but this is an entirely predictable chain of events and LW should have known that NICKNAMES HAPPEN and not picked a name she hated the short version of.

Yes, this.

[cereta]

I seriously don't get why parents do that. I don't like the name Dave. I do like the name David. I would never name a son David, partly because I know about 3965 "Daves," but mostly because I know that some people would call him "Dave," and as someone who hates the most common nickname of her own first name, I would not do that to a kid.

[rmc28]

Oh yeah, exactly!

I named one of my children expecting to use their fullname but not *hating* the obvious shortening. Within a few days we'd slipped into an alternative French diminutive used by my m-i-l, and that has mostly stuck.

And also, at five years old, said child was extremely clear about which version of their name they wanted to use, what is this nonsense about someone else getting to decide a thing?

Also also, different names at home and school are totally a thing. *I* didn't have that, but all three of my siblings did.

[movingfinger]

This is for the child to decide. He can be Andrew at home and Andy everywhere else. This is very common in families.

If she continues making a (self-centered) fuss about this, he may indeed be called "Andrew" but in a very unpleasant way.

[gingicat]

My kiddo prefers that most people call him by the first third of his name but that immediate family call him by his full name. This is funny in part because hollering up the stairs, IMO, works much better if I have three syllables rather than just one.

Of course, husband insists on still calling the giant creature "booboo"!

[movingfinger]

OH AND

Apropos this, DNB published an excellent Life of the Day a few days ago, hope it is still available in the free area online: Ralph William Lionel Tollemache-Tollemache. I think things stay up for a week.

[conuly]

The snark is strong in that bio.

[resonant]

Get ready, mother, for the day when your kid's friends drop by the house and ask after Goose or Sonic or Birdman.

Or, you know, Andrea.

The sooner you let go of the need to control your kid's identity, the less tragic things are going to get.

[ethelmay]

One of my daughter's friends has always called her by her surname (which the whole family shares). He called up one day and absentmindedly asked "Is [Lastname] there?" Fortunately I knew his voice and just started laughing, and it became a joke between us.

[cereta]

Lady, speaking as someone whose parents gave her a nickname she hated, and never cooperated with attempts to use a different form of her name, you really need to rethink your priorities. I honestly don't know why someone would give a child a name that had an incredibly common nickname that the parent hates. I mean, I definitely prefer my daughter's full name to any of its nicknames, but if she declared that she wanted to be "Lizzie" instead of "Elizabeth" (not her real name), I would cooperate with her wishes (her father wouldn't, but he's spent his whole life trying to get people to stop calling him "Joe" instead of "Joseph" - also not his real name - so he's kind of hypercorrected by calling everyone by their full names). I may have corrected her daycare teachers when they started calling her "Lizzie," but (a) that was them imposing a nickname on her, and (b) she was one.

Oh, and LW? The name I use now is one I chose myself. I don't insist my family address me by it, but when I decided to use it, every friend and colleague made the effort to use it. You'd think you could do the same for your son.

[tielan]

I didn't quite fall off my chair laughing but...it was close.

St Clair "Jake" DonNELL, anyone?

[torachan]

There are situations where I think talking to the teacher or principal would be warranted (for example, when the staff or kids decide someone's name is too "foreign" and give them an English nickname or mispronounce their name, or if the kid is trans and wants to go by a name other than the one on their birth certificate) but this is not one of them. This lady is being ridiculous.

[minoanmiss]

Yeah. I thought this was going to be one of those situations... and then I read the letter.

Names

[dialecticdreamer]

We named our sons common, but long, names which both tend toward nicknames. We never used a short form.

One boy picked up an unusual, Greek variation as a nickname. He was old enough to express a preference, around age four, so we stuck with it.

The other boy did not like any of the nicknames, OR his proper name. As a teen, he started asking us to call him by his middle name. It took me about two years to re-train the habit, but it also took me about the same amount of time to remember a female friend's new married surname.

So, save yourself a whole lot of family friction and TRY to get used to the new nickname. Have a frank but hopeful talk about WHY you chose the name you did, and ask if he minds if YOU continue to call him Andrew. That took the pressure down a bit for about a year, and then I was the only holdout, so I made serious effort to use the new name.

[lavendertook]

*chews tobacco, adjusts mask, and pushes back cowboy hat*

You knew the risks when you named him, ma'am. it's a hard world full of people who would steal the shirt off your back for a carwash while using baking soda for toothpaste. Where people put violets in terrariums and shoe laces in the gutter. You can't expect people to use the form of a name you want for your kid any more than you can expect them to put chlorine in a pickle jar, let alone direct your kid to the right class room.

It will get worse, ma'am, before it gets better. That's just the nature of things. So either you get used to it, or you get a trebuchet. Every time one of them suckers gets it wrong, you fling a female sheep at them. They say, "Andy" look up in the air and shout, "EWE!" Next time, they'll say, "And . . . er . . . EWE." Eventually, it will come naturally. And they'll know not to cross you, ever.

It takes grit to live in these parts., ma'am. Let alone the steely resolve to make people use the form of the name you want for your kid. You know what you gotta do. It's either that, or get a slurpy and head back to civilization, and you don't seem like the faint-hearted type to me. Give 'em hell and your kid will be grateful to you for the rest of his days. Maybe not so crazy about you at 4:23 pm EST, but you can't have it all.

*pushes down cowboy hat, jumps on trusty adult tricycle, and rides into the sunset*

-

[conuly]

Do you mind if I quote you over at metaquotes?

[colorwheel]

frahn-ken-steen.

[lilysea]

Um, someone gets to insist what name they get called at around age 4, 5, or 6.

Let your 7 year old be [Andy] at school and [Andrew] at home.

Also I hope that if Andy/Andrew ever announces that actually her name is Susan, LW doesn't give her a hard time about it.

[eleanorjane]

Just so long as it's not Susie!

[naath]

are you my mum? (my brother is an Andrew, now Andy) 7 is quite old enough to decide to be Andy, maybe he'll change his mind later, maybe not. I can see making a fuss if he hates it and they went on doing it, but let him decide.

[annotated_em]

Welp. LW sure seems pleasant.

[heavenscalyx]

My thought exactly.!

[onlysmallwings]

y'know, at 7, I had no problem correcting people who tried to shorten my name. Even as a painfully shy kid, I was able to say "my name is [full name]."

Gosh, I wonder how she responds when her kid wants to wear a different shirt than the one she picked out.

[beable]

I feel like the outlier here on the "kids are not shy about correcting their name"!

My first name has two common short forms, one of which I'm mostly used to (thought not many people use it, and it's not how I introduce myself) and one of which I have always HAAAAAAATED.

For the handful of people who use the 2nd one I don't usually bother correcting them because they're not going to correct themselves anyways.

I probably developed proof of that from all the people who would call me Jennifer (sorta vaguely close to but not actually my name, same starting letter and number of syllables is the extent of the resemblance) as a kid and teen who would apologize when I corrected them but would then still continue to frequently call me Jennifer or "Jennifer, sorry I mean *real name*".

[ashbet]

I was born in France, to American parents. They decided to give me a bastardized version of the French pronunciation of "Andrea" (I'm "AHN-dree-uh," French people say "OHN-ray-ah," with the D almost entirely silent.)

The two common American pronunciations are "AND-ree-uh" or "Ahn-DRAY-ah," and I'm neither. We moved to the States when I was four.

I *loathe* people mispronouncing my name -- have always hated it. But I understand that the other pronunciations are much more common in the US, and it's not other people's fault that mine is an unusual variant.

Seriously considered changing the spelling to "Andria," but gave up and started going by "Andi" when I was 13.

My parents haaaaated it. Hated it. Wouldn't respect my name change, which lined up really well with them not respecting the rest of my boundaries, either.

It was a serious victory when my Dad finally started calling me Andi in my late 20's, through the time of his death. My mother still calls me Andrea half the time, which is unsurprising to anyone who has read any of my other comments about her ;)

I have ZERO sympathy for the LW, she sounds controlling as hell, and I hope her poor kid can manage to figure out what name *he* wants to go by, and that his mother doesn't harass the school and his classmates to the point that they retaliate against the poor kid!

[ayebydan]

Yeah the kid is the one I feel for. It seems he is content as an Andy or an Andrew and his mum needs to chill.

[ayebydan]

If you give your child a name like that then you have to accept that at some point someone is going to start hacking parts off it. The vital part of this for me is that Andrew is using the name Andy and is not pushing back in anger or hurt saying 'No, I am Andrew'. If he is happy to be Andy then leave him. And LW should also accept that the young boy may come to hate Andrew. I am one of many I know that have always cringed at their 'full name'. Part of that is that when I was young my parents quickly shafted the 'antha' part of my name so 'Samantha' in my mind has a lot of connotations I don't like.

• binary gender
• authority figures (drs, nurses ect)
• being in trouble.
• straight laced and properness (my grandmother thought herself these things and never used any shorter forms of my names despite my requests until I was 15 or 16 and doing a lot of things for her when she conceded to Sam)

So like me, Andrew may come to balk any time someone calls him that. My best friend genuinely doesn't register if someone asks for Katherine in her presence. You gave birth to a sentient being, not a piece of property.


Side note: My step dad is called Andrew and I asked my granddad who I am watching over today on his thoughts when they named him. Did they expect it would get shortened ect. We had a right wee conversation on the subject and given his PSP and deteriorating mental state it has been a while since he has really engaged on a different and new topic where has has thought on new thoughts rather than hashed out old ones. (we debate the same monkey issue once a week when we watch a programme when I watch him). It was really lovely. ♥

[minoanmiss]

That sounds like an awesome chat with your granddad!

[purlewe]

I actually thought with the quote marks around Andrew and Andy that most likely the name she gave her kid was Richard, and the kids are calling him Dick (or Rich). If you don't want the shortened version of a name bc you don't like it, don't name your kid that name. Your kid is an autonomous being. And who knows, they might completely change the whole shebang one day. Get over it.

That being said my aunt is named Judy, not Judith and she knows when people are telemarketers or otherwise when they use the longer version bc it isn't her name.

I am gifted a very long name that is difficult to spell and longer to pronounce. (another boon to know when telemarketers or direct mail comes. mispronunciations and misspellings galore!) I was immediately given a nickname at birth bc my grandmother told everyone my name was too difficult. I ended up changing it to another common nickname when I got older that no one could spell but people could pronounce. Now as an adult I will admit I prefer the whole full name, but the truth is when I type spelling the whole damn blasted thing out is a pita and so I type a shorter version that people end up calling me.

Truth is.. names are malleable. Your kid might be called Pooky by their love for the rest of their life and stop responding to Andy or Andrew all together. Life doesn't happen the way you always planned. Enjoy the ride.