agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are adopting rather than having biological kids. His whole family thinks the decision is up for debate, but his sister recently crossed a line. I don’t know if it’s because of her personal obsession with her infertility, but she told me adoption is a mistake and we “can’t possibly love” an adopted child. I assume she forgot I was adopted by my stepmom when I was 3. She is the only mother I have ever known since my other mother died when I was a baby. I told her I hope she never becomes a mother if her ability to love her children is that shallow. I thought she was going to slap me. My husband pulled his sister away and told the family the subject is closed.

We have been asked to apologize, but my sister-in-law refuses to do the same. My husband reminded his parents that I am adopted, and my mother-in-law said, “That’s beside the point.” My husband is ready to just not talk to his family anymore. They are difficult, but I am not comfortable asking him to do this. I really don’t know how to solve this. Can you help?
—Adoption Antagonists

I’m so sorry that both of you have been having to deal with this kind of harassment. But I suspect your husband isn’t only considering cutting his family off for your sake. This isn’t something you’ve asked him to do, but a boundary he may need to draw in order to feel ready to become a father himself. Yes, his sister’s cruelty was pointed at you, and your husband was right to defend you, but I don’t think you’re the cause of this rift. Anyone might be shaken to learn that their own family members are capable of naked cruelty and embarrassing selfishness and find themselves unable to stomach having friendly conversations about the weather or work once they’ve revealed their characters in such a fashion. If the rest of his family has called into question your ability to love the children you’ll adopt (as well as the adoptive mother who raised and loves you), then taking at least a temporary break to focus on going through the adoptive process without the additional stress of dealing with their antagonism strikes me as a perfectly reasonable decision.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/09/dear-prudence-peanut-allergy-friend-dinners.html

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Egads, Hubby's family sounds awful. If he wants to cut them off, LW, let him!

*shaking in rage*

Yes, let him. Agreed he probably feels HE needs to for himself, as well as you. And yeah, the adoption process is already stressful enough without having that kind of shit pulled on you.

File under, "You cannot solve this because you are not the problem."

This is excellent advice.

Soemtimes I cannot believe how awful people are.

I want to have LW and her husband over for coffee and hug them both.

I stopped speaking to two family members who told me my non-bio child wouldn't be their relative. One apologized, and we're back on speaking terms. The other hasn't, and we're not. It's not just for my sake—it's for my kid's sake. I will not have my child exposed to such views.

Cut them off and don't look back, LW. I hope you have a marvelous, loving relationship with your child and that they grow up to appreciate that you're protecting them from the hateful, hurtful people who happen to be related to your husband by blood.

One more for team cut them off. They can't be trusted to not say hurtful things about LW's adopted kids.

Wow. A letter that neatly encapsulates Why Lucy Can Never Win In Discussions of Infertility. (I'm adopted, and used fertility science to conceive.) I do kind of wince at the particular wording LW used with her sister-in-law, but I can understand why she said it, and even kind of agree with the sentiment. There was a loony on Ye Olde Booj who was so insistent that family=DNA that she swore that if she found out that her child were not her biological child, she would completely lose any interest in her, and I'm not exaggerating. I'd say I was skeptical that this would really happen, but she's a Randian sociopath, so who knows? I do think, know, actually, that a lot of families come around once that baby is there, but I would understand if LW or her husband didn't want to take that chance.

I think cutting the family off, whether temporarily or forever, is more than reasonable, here, and definitely not the LW's "fault."

LW was clearly being unreasonably provoked. There's a small politeness exemption when dealing with unrelentingly awful people.

Oh, like I said, I can see why she said it, and I don't blame her for it.

Yeah, I was thinking "ouch" at the "hope you never become a parent" to the probably-infertile person, but given what it was in response to, and the reasoning thereof, it was a *deserved* ouch. Returning hurt to sender.

(and yeah, the fact that LW is asked to apologise but not her SIL, is totally a reason to cut these people off)

I'm thinking there's probably an inexhaustible market for fancy letterpress "STFU MYOB" cards.

Anyone whose position on adoption requires me to deny that I'm related to my grandparents, my aunt and uncle, and my cousins and their kids, just because my dad and aunt were both adopted, deserves to be cut off. Because what the actual FUCK.

I am pretty sure that LW's husband is pissed off on his own behalf as well as hers, since his sister basically shat all over his plans to create a family and become a father. I certainly would be in his place.

Cut them all off. They are toxic

Dear Prudence: Neither my husband nor I want contact with toxic people who will be horrible to us and our future child, but I'm conflicted because of societal expectations that we maintain ties.

Dear LW: Please forget both the expectations and the toxic people. Cut ties and be happy.

Am I allowed to +1000?

I do believe that falls withing community parameters, yes ;).