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Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are adopting rather than having biological kids. His whole family thinks the decision is up for debate, but his sister recently crossed a line. I don’t know if it’s because of her personal obsession with her infertility, but she told me adoption is a mistake and we “can’t possibly love” an adopted child. I assume she forgot I was adopted by my stepmom when I was 3. She is the only mother I have ever known since my other mother died when I was a baby. I told her I hope she never becomes a mother if her ability to love her children is that shallow. I thought she was going to slap me. My husband pulled his sister away and told the family the subject is closed.
We have been asked to apologize, but my sister-in-law refuses to do the same. My husband reminded his parents that I am adopted, and my mother-in-law said, “That’s beside the point.” My husband is ready to just not talk to his family anymore. They are difficult, but I am not comfortable asking him to do this. I really don’t know how to solve this. Can you help?
—Adoption Antagonists
I’m so sorry that both of you have been having to deal with this kind of harassment. But I suspect your husband isn’t only considering cutting his family off for your sake. This isn’t something you’ve asked him to do, but a boundary he may need to draw in order to feel ready to become a father himself. Yes, his sister’s cruelty was pointed at you, and your husband was right to defend you, but I don’t think you’re the cause of this rift. Anyone might be shaken to learn that their own family members are capable of naked cruelty and embarrassing selfishness and find themselves unable to stomach having friendly conversations about the weather or work once they’ve revealed their characters in such a fashion. If the rest of his family has called into question your ability to love the children you’ll adopt (as well as the adoptive mother who raised and loves you), then taking at least a temporary break to focus on going through the adoptive process without the additional stress of dealing with their antagonism strikes me as a perfectly reasonable decision.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/09/dear-prudence-peanut-allergy-friend-dinners.html
My husband and I are adopting rather than having biological kids. His whole family thinks the decision is up for debate, but his sister recently crossed a line. I don’t know if it’s because of her personal obsession with her infertility, but she told me adoption is a mistake and we “can’t possibly love” an adopted child. I assume she forgot I was adopted by my stepmom when I was 3. She is the only mother I have ever known since my other mother died when I was a baby. I told her I hope she never becomes a mother if her ability to love her children is that shallow. I thought she was going to slap me. My husband pulled his sister away and told the family the subject is closed.
We have been asked to apologize, but my sister-in-law refuses to do the same. My husband reminded his parents that I am adopted, and my mother-in-law said, “That’s beside the point.” My husband is ready to just not talk to his family anymore. They are difficult, but I am not comfortable asking him to do this. I really don’t know how to solve this. Can you help?
—Adoption Antagonists
I’m so sorry that both of you have been having to deal with this kind of harassment. But I suspect your husband isn’t only considering cutting his family off for your sake. This isn’t something you’ve asked him to do, but a boundary he may need to draw in order to feel ready to become a father himself. Yes, his sister’s cruelty was pointed at you, and your husband was right to defend you, but I don’t think you’re the cause of this rift. Anyone might be shaken to learn that their own family members are capable of naked cruelty and embarrassing selfishness and find themselves unable to stomach having friendly conversations about the weather or work once they’ve revealed their characters in such a fashion. If the rest of his family has called into question your ability to love the children you’ll adopt (as well as the adoptive mother who raised and loves you), then taking at least a temporary break to focus on going through the adoptive process without the additional stress of dealing with their antagonism strikes me as a perfectly reasonable decision.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/09/dear-prudence-peanut-allergy-friend-dinners.html
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(and yeah, the fact that LW is asked to apologise but not her SIL, is totally a reason to cut these people off)