Ask Amy: Three years after the breakup

[movingfinger]

Dear Amy: I am struggling with heartbreak from three years ago.

Last night, I dreamed about her, where she professed her love for me again. I woke up feeling worse than ever.

Long story short, her parents broke us up because they did not approve of a same-sex relationship (neither did my parents).

I put it all on the line fighting for our love, but she didn't, after her parents broke her phone, threatened to send her to a psych ward and left her locked up in her house.

I waited for more than a year. Then I realized that she had regained access to Facebook and had a new phone, and yet no message to me!

I never got closure, and I was left with a broken heart and long-lasting emotional hurt. I really want to know how someone can do this after saying they love you and want to marry you.

I've thought so many times of messaging her, but I don't know what to do.

Emotionally Destroyed

Emotionally Destroyed: Please do message her. You may not hear what you want to hear, but knowing where she stands should help to provide the closure you seek.

You both had the odds stacked against you, and I agree that this is heartbreaking.

Comments

[movingfinger]

I think this advice is terrible in so many ways.

1, The woman's family have already shown what lengths they will go to to control her. How does LW know that someone else isn't reading her messages, too? What consequences might there be for the recipient?

2, CLOOOSUUUUURE can we kill this idea dead? Dead-dead? Please? Why is Amy encouraging her to contact her ex? In real life, there is no big scene like the movies where everyone sobs a lot on a misty waterfront esplanade with wrought-iron benches and then walks slowly in different directions. The ex has not gotten in touch. She knows how to get in touch. She does not want to get in touch. The LW wants to detonate a bomb of feelings and guilt on her ex, which will help neither of them.

3, What would help this grieving woman is therapy or at least some good reading along therapeutic lines. Amy does not suggest counseling for someone who has been clinging to a defunct relationship for years. This isn't healthy, and LW needs to move on.

[conuly]

Yes, yes, and yes.

[cereta]

All of this, yes. I really hate the whole "closure" idea a LOT, but I can sort of see the POV of someone who was treated badly wanting a chance to express their feelings. But what happened was not the ex's doing, and whether her continued lack of contact may or may not be her doing, the possibility of contact ending well for either of them is pretty slim.

[cimorene]

Yeah, all of that. I'm having a hard time believing Amy actually read the letter. Wow.

[minoanmiss]

/You deserve whatever Amy got paid to write her bullshit not-advice, and I so wish we could get your wisdom to the LW, who sorely needs it (and all possible support).

[ambyr]

The sheer lack of empathy for her ex-girlfriend here is a little frightening. "I really want to know how someone can do this after saying they love you"? Well, they can do it because someone else "threatened to send her to a psych ward and left her locked up in her house." And if her ex-girlfriend is still living with/dependent on her parents, messaging her--as Amy suggests--may put her in very real danger of physical harm. If the motivation was "I want to find a way to help her move to a safer place" I could understand the urge, but "I want closure"? No, that's a shitty reason to endanger someone.

[minoanmiss]

Word. I don't want to be hard on LW, but aren't they the least bit concerned about their ex's safety?

[movingfinger]

The lack of concern does stand out. In the sort of family that will lock a young woman up because of a disapproved relationship, especially a disapproved gay relationship, there are generally worse things going on.

[kiezh]

Yes, this. LW knew her ex was in a dangerous, abusive situation, has no idea how far that escalated while she was out of the loop, and what LW is concerned about is "closure"?! And she seems super resentful of her ex, despite clear evidence that the breakup wasn't the ex's choice at all! Just... wow. (In some breakups there are no villains, but in this one... if LW wants a target for that resentment and bitterness, the parents are right there! Being villainous!)

And yeah, social media presence is no reason to assume the danger's over. If LW really cared so much, she'd be asking "how can I contact my ex stealthily to see if she's ok or needs help getting out?" not "how can I guilt-trip my ex for the way her family forcibly separated us?"

[eleanorjane]

Yeah. The lack of empathy was evident in the bitterness about 'I kept fighting for our love and she didn't' - well yeah, LW, you weren't the one being abused by their family.

[cahn]

Wow, I literally read Amy's response as "Please don't message her" because I couldn't imagine anyone giving any other advice!

[feldman]

Ditto, not until I read the comments did I realize my mistake. But yeah, the major issue is not the heartbreak but the physical danger. Cripes.

[laurajv]

This is one of those times when I wish the LW had written to an entirely different, very specific columnist. I feel like Daniel Ortberg would have given much more sensitive and good advice.

[redbird]

And Captain Awkward would have had some useful things to say about why "closure" is either a myth or a thing you give yourself, and "I want closure" so often means "I want a chance to reopen this door (or keep it open)."

[mommy]

I put it all on the line fighting for our love, but she didn't, after her parents broke her phone, threatened to send her to a psych ward and left her locked up in her house.

What happened to LW was bad, but she does not get to claim that her ex didn't "put it all on the line." The ex-girlfiend clearly put a great deal on the line, and LW's desire for closure three years after the fact isn't going to help. It's time to put the relationship in the Important Memories box and move on.

I have to agree with everyone else here. Amy was not the best columnist for this letter.

[movingfinger]

BTW, I can't edit tags on this; the software has tagged it with tags from another post.