Dear Annie: Graduation Party?

[cereta]

Dear Annie: I am the youngest of seven children and the only one who didn't marry young. I am also the only one who attended college. I am graduating in May and mentioned to my parents that I hoped to have a small graduation party with family and close friends. One friend already offered to make my cake.

You can imagine my disappointment when my parents said it was silly to have a graduation party, and they'd rather spend money on a wedding whenever I get married. Annie, I wasn't asking them to spend money. I just wanted to use the hospitality of their home because my college apartment is a few hours away.

I've worked hard for my degree, and I'm hurt by their lack of excitement. I want to share my happiness. I don't need gifts. Would it be against etiquette to throw myself a party? -- Puzzled

Dear Puzzled: It is OK to give yourself a party, but please don't mention your graduation until after your guests arrive. You don't want to give the impression of, "I'm so fantastic and accomplished -- bring presents." Simply say you want to have a party. You can then tell them during the event that you are celebrating your degree. Another option is to get together with your classmates and have a group celebration, whereby you are essentially giving a graduation party for one another.

Comments

[cereta]

I swear, this obsession advice columnists have with never, ever presenting the slightest clue about gifts, even on traditional gift-giving occasions, frazzles my nerves, especially when it leads to something like this, wherein the Annies don't even address the central issue of the letter (the behavior of the parents).

I throw myself a birthday party every year, because I like celebrating my birthday, and I think expecting someone else to do the work of throwing the party would be rude and entitled. Sometimes I mention it's my birthday in the invites, sometimes I don't. A few people show up with gifts; mostly people don't (although this year, lydiabell did get me an awesome stuffed turtle...).

Graduating from college is quite an accomplishment, and if the LW's parents don't recognize that, phooey on them. She should throw the party if she can find a venue, enjoy that cake, and take a moment to feel good about herself. God knows she's going to need it as she looks for work.

[ambyr]

That's just bizarre advice. If her guests are family and close friends, aren't they all going to know she's just graduated? What's the point in playing coy?

[cereta]

It reminds me of the way people freak out over things like including wedding registry information in an invite. Brides and grooms are apparently supposed to make guests jump through 30 hoops to get that information, and be pleasantly surprised if anyone brings a gift to the wedding. Because, you know, it isn't standard practice to give a gift to a couple getting married. I mean, I get not acting entitled to expensive stuff or being a jerk about someone not bringing a gift, but the artificial coyness just annoys me.

[ambyr]

I actually do get the registry thing, because I come from a family where asking for specific presents for any occasion is Not Done. But I understand other people (like my partner's family) pass around wishlists all the time, for birthdays and Christmas and everything else, so in that case I don't see why a registry would be any different.

[minoanmiss]

Yeah, how dare you be proud of graduating from college, especially as the only person in your family who has, and against your family's seeming apathy-to-hostility towards education (as indicated by your parents' response)! Who do you think you are, you ivory tower egghead?

Seriously, I wish I could set up donation funds for some of these letter writers. This one isn't as dire as the people who need to get out of houses of evil bees RIGHT NOW, but I really wish I could send the letter writer a congratulatory note and $10 towards the party fund.

[greenygal]

You don't want to give the impression of, "I'm so fantastic and accomplished -- bring presents."

Oh for god's sake. "Don't talk about the impressive thing you've just accomplished! You wouldn't want people to think you're proud of yourself or something." If it's vitally important that people not bring presents (which I think is up to the LW and the people being invited), then tell people not to bring presents! Wouldn't that be more to the point than pretending that a graduation party isn't a graduation party? Especially since, as ambyr points out, close friends and family are presumably going to know you're graduating already?

[seperis]

This kind of thing--the Mystery Party of Mystery--seems to be becoming a thing, and speaking as a potential guest of one of these, there is nothing--and I do mean nothing--more personally annoying than not knowing enough about an event to prioritize my social life appropriately. Not to mention I like giving gifts and stop making this a chore for me.

Graduation Party >>>>>>>> random event with cake when I'm making out my social calendar. It may seem petty to get annoyed, but I would indeed like to celebrate and want to celebrate milestones in someone's life even if that particular day I didn't want to go out. So how I answer Graduated Yay is going to be really different from how I answer Come Over For Snacks For a Random Party on a given weekend.

While I get avoiding social embarrassment for one's guests, it's being combined with the traditional unwritten rules of social milestones that say what event is and is not appropriate for gift giving, where it's considered tacky not to say you want gifts because that implies that you at some point expected them, or tell people what you want for the same reason. How well that's working can be seen by the number of letters there are specifically about the dos and don'ts of gift giving when it's treated as the least fun thing you can do and removing all aspects of the actual meaning of gifts.

I could actually go into how deeply the rules of etiquette as they stand are taken wholesale from a very narrow set of upper class social expectations and wholesale grafted onto society in general as a form of classist behavior at the expense of the traditions and social expectations of every other social group, but that would take a while and also, not good for my blood pressure. Prioritizing good manners is always a plus, but the rulebook for good manners as written is limited, classist, racist, misogynist, and well, utterly wrong. We need a better one, preferably one that isn't almost entirely based on trying to update--with confusing if not outright ridiculous results--what was acceptable for the wealthy in nineteenth century New York society (which is a gross generalization, but somewhat applicable).

[jo_lasalle]

Bzuh?

How utterly bizarre.

I could see how 'presents or no presents' could be tricky in that kind of situation, and specifying you're not expecting the equivalent of a wedding gift might be appreciated by fellow recent-graduate friends. But OMG, now you're not allowed to say 'YAY I GRADUATED! \o/' to your friends? WTF.

I hope the parents let her have the house; it would strike me as a bit mean-spirited not to, assuming they've let their kids host other social things there.

[jo_lasalle]

more personally annoying than not knowing enough about an event to prioritize my social life appropriately.

AND THIS!

[seperis]

I loathe the entire weirdness of giving parties for yourself is somehow wrong (or family giving certain kinds of parties is wrong, for that matter). It's also stressful personally because it implies that one's value to their friends is based on their willingness to have parties for you, and indirectly, if you want a birthday party, evaluate your future social relationships for people who do that sort of thing.

I honestly don't know many people past eighteen who don't throw their own birthday parties--or any parties, for that matter. That's kind of one of the perks of adulthood; making your own guest lists.

[rymenhild]

The other thing here is that a wedding counts as an accomplishment worth celebrating in LW's family, but a graduation doesn't. There's something skewed about that.

[redbird]

I also note that the Annies do not say "and of course when you get married your parents shouldn't mention why they're throwing a party that day, either."

If a wedding is an achievement, as many people think (the LW's parents clearly among them), it's as gauche to boast about that and hint at gifts as it would be to do the same about college graduation. Which is, imho, not at all.

If someone wants to avoid "I'm so fantastic and accomplished, bring presents," the graduation party can be presented in terms of "after n years, I'm done with college, which means my life is changing."

[deird1]

Agreed. It's like they focus so much on the present thing that they seem to lose sight of why everyone wants to throw the parties.

[moem]

In most European countries, as far as I know, it's completely normal to throw a party for your birthday. As normal as: if you don't, people will ask you why.
It doesn't mean 'Come bring me presents!' It means 'It's my birthday, come eat tasty snacks, drink nice drinks, and be merry. Gifts are optional but appreciated.'

So rest asured in the knowledge that you are utterly normal, depending on where you are... but that's how normalcy works, isn't it?

[sara]

Ditto this -- the way I was brought up, asking for a present was...well, I'm trying to think of something similar. It'd be about like taking my shirt off in front of an elderly relative. Or wait, I know, like bending over to get something out of a cabinet and flashing my buttcrack at someone. But in a financial way.

In adult life, of course, this means that my spouse never buys me gifts I like, because I still can't bring myself to say get me two of these and one of those. I have finally just started getting myself what I'd like.

(We did have a registry, but we didn't admit to it unless asked directly. Mostly people asked my mother, which is apparently How These Things Are Handled.)

[sara]

...in what universe would someone get a college graduation gift that would be anything like a wedding gift, is what I'd like to know. Because I think I got, um...a couple of checks and a nice wooden box, when I graduated college. I mean, it was nice and all, but it was hardly a wedding-level event.

[azurelunatic]

It's a major life milestone, and in a way that "I am no longer attending college (and didn't graduate)" often isn't (though if it's a College of Evil Bees, then that's a freaking milestone worth celebrating too).

[naath]

In my social circle it's even entirely normal to put "please bring the tasty snacks and nice drinks" on the invite. And to host parties in pricey eateries and expect everyone to pay their own tab.

I guess the thing is that if *everyone* does it the same way it doesn't turn out unfair.

Graduation is big and important and exciting. Much more important than marriage. Maybe that's my weird side showing through though.