Dear Prudence: Friend is Telling Everyone I Intentionally Outed Him. He Told Me He Was Already Out

[fairestcat]

Q. Outed my friend: I met Ray the first week at college. He’s gay and I’m a lesbian, and it’s been great to have a friend who gets it. Last week his parents were in town and I ran into them all at a local restaurant and asked them if Ray’s boyfriend was going to join them. It kicked off. His parents were livid, there was a very frosty fight, and then they left town early without a word. He’s livid with me and is telling all our friends what I did.

The thing is, while I’m really sorry this happened, Ray told me he was out to everyone. I was the one still in the closet when we met, and he encouraged me to come out to my parents because he’d never felt such relief as when he told his. I have emails where he told me about this and told me I had to come out to my family if I wanted to have a good, honest relationship like he did with his parents. He told me the details of that conversation and about the uncle who didn’t accept him and how his family cut that uncle off. I guess, in hindsight, I should have realized it was a bit perfect—that maybe the reason he was so insistent I come out was a sort of trial run to see how it could go—but I never thought it wasn’t true.

I am not mad at Ray for being angry. In my case, coming out was for the best and he helped me with that, so I owe him. And even if I didn’t mean to, I caused him a lot of pain with this. It’s just that everyone that I’ve met here at college also met Ray, and now they’re all really angry at me and I’ve been told I’m not welcome at some events because I don’t make people feel safe. Would it be OK to tell some people that I was under the impression that Ray was out? It might make my life easier, but right now Ray’s the one who needs more support and this could complicate that. Besides, maybe I should have known to keep my mouth shut.

A: I don’t think you should have guessed that Ray was lying about coming out to his family just because the picture he painted was a particularly rosy one! You have every right to clarify to your mutual friends what actually happened, since Ray is now misrepresenting your behavior too, not just his family’s. He’s clearly in a lot of distress, and you can certainly discuss the situation with compassion, but what he’s saying about you is both untrue and having a negative effect on your social life. You weren’t “under the impression” Ray was out—he told you he was out. He went so far as to describe the details of his coming out to his parents, and you had no reason not to believe him. Tell your friends the truth and don’t let yourself become a pariah just because you feel sympathy for Ray.

Comments

[fairestcat]

Don't worry LW, I have plenty of mad at Ray for both of us!

I get that he's angry and hurt, but he's lashing out at the wrong person in a way that is seriously impacting her life, and refusing to take any responsibility for his own part in this disaster. That's the point where my sympathy very much ends.

[jadelennox]

wow, Ray is totally out of line. I get that he is clearly deeply damaged and sad and scared, and probably being punished by his parents, but none of that is any excuse for damaging the LW like this. In fact, in this day and age, that is the kind of story that can make an angry keyboard warrior decide to bring holy hell down on the LW, and they should absolutely be making sure the truth is known. I honor and respect them for trying to protect Ray during the process, but they need to take care of themselves as well.

[xenacryst]

What they said. The only thing I'll add is that after trying to get some truth out to your friends who are being cold right now, and letting them see how Ray operates, if they continue to stick beside him, find some better friends. If Ray doesn't change, he's going to go through his life leaving a trail of wreckage around him, and you don't want to be anywhere near that - and while he needs help, he has to want help and you don't have to be the one trying to help someone who doesn't want it.

[conuly]

I kinda feel bad for the mutual friends who are going to be stuck in the middle of that shitshow, trying to figure out which of the two of them is telling the truth. This is, of course, all Ray's fault.

[quinfirefrorefiddle]

The only wrinkle not addressed that I wish had been, is how to get the news out. I would suggest sending an email to Ray and also all the other friends, explaining what actually happened, saying that you have, and can share if necessary, those emails from Ray. That way Ray has a chance to be honest with a simple reply all... or if necessary the emails can be shared the same way.

[rosefox]

Scream emoji forever. Ray's a selfish asshole and you don't deserve to be shut out for this, LW.

[minoanmiss]

JFC. I send the LW all sympathy -- we can only work with what we know.

Ray, honey, I know this is so, so hard, but you are several different kinds of wrong here. (Was anyone else particularly horrified by his "by lying, convince someone else to come out in order to watch what happens" aspect of this whole mess?)

[lavendertook]

I was! He used her as his lab rat, and only by a chance he had no way of knowing did it happen to go well for her. And then he punished her for stepping into the trap he set for her. He sounds devoid of empathy and all around bad news. And the LW is not using her empathy for her own good, or for that of their friends, and though too many humans are too tribal at the expense of the stranger, she could use being more so. Lots of therapy needed all round here.

[minoanmiss]

"the LW is not using her empahty for herself or her friends" -- oh, what a great point! Man, I wish we could send this discussion to her, especially your comment.

[lavendertook]

There's little lies and there's lying for safety against a homophobic family, but making up a descriptive storytelling event to the LW who is his ally and just as vulnerable in coming out and then blaming her for believing his illustrated story, and lying to their friends to punish her for his own set up of her--no way! Ray is a vindictive, manipulative, lying little fucker.

The LW may be right about his motives, but if he was making her his trial balloon, that is horrible despite it turning out well for her, and that doesn't excuse his trying to turn everyone against her. LW is way too forgiving. This storyteller is going to hurt a lot more people and it would be kind to her friends to let them know the truth before they fall into more of his traps than putting a barrier between them and an empathetic friend it would be good to have like the LW. It's not surprising she lacks the self-esteem to be angry that Ray is trying to deprive their friends of her friendship and be as angry for them as she should be for herself.

[cereta]

Yeah, I think you are perfectly within your right to tell at least a few key people what actually happened. It's nice that you want to protect his feelings, but he pretty much doesn't given a damn about yours.

[arinna]

Oh yikes, what a bad situation to be in. I think LW has every right to tell her friends what actually happened (and provide the emails she has as proof if they don't believe her or don't know who to believe). It speaks to her kindness as a person that she's still concerned with how telling the truth might affect Ray, but there's such a thing as being too kind and allowing your own friendships and reputation to suffer because of a lie someone is telling about you because you don't want to make things worse for them is certainly being 'too kind' in my book.

I can kinda understand why Ray would have felt like lying about his situation with his family in the first place and I can understand him feeling angry, shocked, and in pain after his parents found out, but the latter is a result of his own lies and no amount of pain he's in gives him the right to lie about LW and hurt her because of it. She didn't act out of malice or even negligence, she acted in a perfectly normal way and brought up a perfectly normal conversation with his parents that she thought was okay to have with them based on the lies Ray told her. I'm really uncomfortable with the amount of blame LW puts on herself in this -- in my view, she did nothing wrong; something wrong just happened because of Ray's own lies which isn't LW's fault in any way and she doesn't deserve to suffer because of it.