Dear Prudence: Friend is Telling Everyone I Intentionally Outed Him. He Told Me He Was Already Out

[fairestcat]

Q. Outed my friend: I met Ray the first week at college. He’s gay and I’m a lesbian, and it’s been great to have a friend who gets it. Last week his parents were in town and I ran into them all at a local restaurant and asked them if Ray’s boyfriend was going to join them. It kicked off. His parents were livid, there was a very frosty fight, and then they left town early without a word. He’s livid with me and is telling all our friends what I did.

The thing is, while I’m really sorry this happened, Ray told me he was out to everyone. I was the one still in the closet when we met, and he encouraged me to come out to my parents because he’d never felt such relief as when he told his. I have emails where he told me about this and told me I had to come out to my family if I wanted to have a good, honest relationship like he did with his parents. He told me the details of that conversation and about the uncle who didn’t accept him and how his family cut that uncle off. I guess, in hindsight, I should have realized it was a bit perfect—that maybe the reason he was so insistent I come out was a sort of trial run to see how it could go—but I never thought it wasn’t true.

I am not mad at Ray for being angry. In my case, coming out was for the best and he helped me with that, so I owe him. And even if I didn’t mean to, I caused him a lot of pain with this. It’s just that everyone that I’ve met here at college also met Ray, and now they’re all really angry at me and I’ve been told I’m not welcome at some events because I don’t make people feel safe. Would it be OK to tell some people that I was under the impression that Ray was out? It might make my life easier, but right now Ray’s the one who needs more support and this could complicate that. Besides, maybe I should have known to keep my mouth shut.

A: I don’t think you should have guessed that Ray was lying about coming out to his family just because the picture he painted was a particularly rosy one! You have every right to clarify to your mutual friends what actually happened, since Ray is now misrepresenting your behavior too, not just his family’s. He’s clearly in a lot of distress, and you can certainly discuss the situation with compassion, but what he’s saying about you is both untrue and having a negative effect on your social life. You weren’t “under the impression” Ray was out—he told you he was out. He went so far as to describe the details of his coming out to his parents, and you had no reason not to believe him. Tell your friends the truth and don’t let yourself become a pariah just because you feel sympathy for Ray.

Comments

[arinna]

Oh yikes, what a bad situation to be in. I think LW has every right to tell her friends what actually happened (and provide the emails she has as proof if they don't believe her or don't know who to believe). It speaks to her kindness as a person that she's still concerned with how telling the truth might affect Ray, but there's such a thing as being too kind and allowing your own friendships and reputation to suffer because of a lie someone is telling about you because you don't want to make things worse for them is certainly being 'too kind' in my book.

I can kinda understand why Ray would have felt like lying about his situation with his family in the first place and I can understand him feeling angry, shocked, and in pain after his parents found out, but the latter is a result of his own lies and no amount of pain he's in gives him the right to lie about LW and hurt her because of it. She didn't act out of malice or even negligence, she acted in a perfectly normal way and brought up a perfectly normal conversation with his parents that she thought was okay to have with them based on the lies Ray told her. I'm really uncomfortable with the amount of blame LW puts on herself in this -- in my view, she did nothing wrong; something wrong just happened because of Ray's own lies which isn't LW's fault in any way and she doesn't deserve to suffer because of it.