Ask Amy:DNA reveals half-sibling, but Dad doesn't want to know

[cereta]

Dear Amy: I am one of the many who have found a half-sibling through DNA testing. The birth mother never told my father that she was pregnant, and the child was put up for adoption over 50 years ago.

I told my dad about this and he reacted by getting angry and stopping the conversation by telling me to not have contact with the new half-sibling. I gave it a few months and gently brought it up again, only to be shut down right away. He does not wish to discuss it. I was going to ask him to tell my sibling that we have a newly discovered half-sibling out there, but I know that is out of the question.

I am excited about my new relative and would like to meet and get to know them. I wish my dad would be open to discussing this. Before moving forward, I would like to tell my other sibling about our new half-sibling. I am not sure if they will share my excitement but then they can decide if they'd like to pursue a relationship as well. I worry that I am going behind my dad's back and he'll be furious that I have shared his secret. The cat is already out of the bag; all it would take is another relative to take a DNA test for someone else to tell my sibling.

I am feeling quite anxious about having to keep this a secret. How do I tell my sibling that we have a half-sibling if our father is not open to discussing this? I'd like to move forward. I am feeling quite anxious about having to keep this a secret. How do I tell my sibling that we have a half-sibling if our father is not open to discussing this? I'd like to move forward.

-- Reluctant Secret Holder

Dear Reluctant: Your father had no knowledge of this child he fathered, so the existence of your half-sibling has not been a long-held secret. Don't hold this as a secret now.

Your father's response to this is completely understandable. He feels betrayed and, of course, he is unhappy about it. He does not want to face the imponderable complications of this possible relationship. He assumes it will upend your family, but, if anecdotal evidence I've collected on DNA discoveries is accurate, the toughest part of the experience is the anticipation. Your father will not give you permission to pursue this. Understand it and forgive him for his own reaction.

I suggest you take this in discreet stages. Keep your own expectations modest. After you make some initial contact with your half-sibling, tell your father that you are going to inform your other sibling. Reassure your father every step of the way, and if he refuses to discuss it, proceed on your own.

Comments

[cereta]

I think most people here know that I have a horse in this race, but long story short: I have been an adult adoptee searching for family information, including submitting DNA to a service, but with no real results. I have given a lot of thought to what I would do in a situation like the half-siblings.

I have sympathy for the father; he had no more choice in the circumstances of the adoption than the adoptee did. And I don't think that the LW should push him to get involved in the half-sibling's life. But I also don't think that he has a right to deny his adult children contact with one another. Assuming that the half-sibling is open to contact (and think it's highly unlikely that an adult adoptee, especially one who was adopted when the vast majority of adoptions were closed, would submit DNA to a registry site without knowing that they might be connected with close biological relatives), the LW can develop that relationship without the father's involvement.

And I think their siblings have a right to make that decision for themselves as well. These are all people in their own right, not just extensions of the father, and they they had no say in the past, and should get to make their own decisions in the present.

[the_rck]

The omission I see here has to do with how old the sibling who hasn't been told is. If they're seven, it's different than if they're seventeen which is different than if they're thirty. I'm kind of suspecting teens or younger because of wanting the father to tell them.

[fox]

Only given that the half-sibling is older than 50, doesn't the likelihood that the uninformed sibling is a minor drop considerably? (I mean it's obviously not impossible. But.)

[cereta]

I was just about to type this, yes.

[julian]

Hurm. I think my answer to this would depend on how old the LW's sibling is. Because (in my head), if the sibling's under 18, then the dad has a (ethically dubious but nonetheless relevant) right to restrict information.

Otherwise, everyone's an adult, and the father has a right to be hurt and angry and not want to cope yet, but the LW has a right to do whatever kinds of contacting they want, too. (I differ from Amy in that I'd advocate for the LW to tell their sibling first, and then go seeking out the half-sibling, because a) then they don't have to continue keeping secrets, and b) they can get emotional support from their sibling.)

I like that Amy emphasizes reassuring the dad. Because he may well need that, and yet also be a prick about it, so it's necessary to keep remembering to *do* it.

[cereta]

Given that the half-sibling is over 50, I think it's unlikely that the other sibling is a minor. Not impossible, but unlikely.

And given the very specific information that the LW has, I think they're already in contact with the half-sibling. I could be wrong (although I have some experience with the detective work involved in such a situation), but something like the father not knowing, or even just that the half-sibling was placed for adoption in the first place, would take a lot of digging to get without just being told by the half-sibling.

[julian]

I think it's unlikely, too, I just wanted to get the But What If? part out of the way.

As for already-in-contact -- Hrm. Letter wording supports that possibility. In which case, tell sibling ASAP, durnit.

[welcomingsong]

Hrm. I do wonder if there are other possible issues that haven't been considered here. Like, was the sexual encounter that led to the half-sibling consensual? If not, I can certainly see why Dad wants to shut down the conversation immediately and forever. (There are other possible reasons for this position, of course, but I think it's worth at least considering this possibility.)

[minoanmiss]

Oh wow, good point .