Dear Abby: Planned Baby Name Renews Pain of Tragic Loss for Family

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I come from a small, close family. Last year, we suffered a devastating loss. My cousin and her two children were killed in a car accident. We have all been profoundly affected by this loss, especially my aunt and uncle.

Fast forward: Another cousin is pregnant with her second child. She wants to name her daughter "Daisy" because she wants all her children to have flower-themed names. "Daisy" is the name of one of the children who died. I, and others in the family, are upset by her decision because her reason for choosing the name has nothing to do with honoring our lost family member.

I understand no one "owns" a baby name, and she can choose whatever name she wants for any reason. But I am having trouble getting past the fact that I'll see this child at family gatherings and have to call her by my dead cousin's name for no reason other than it was a cute flower name.

My cousin is set on using this name despite family protests, and I can't help but foresee bitterness ahead for us when we've already dealt with so much. What, if anything, can we do to make this situation more positive? -- NAME GAME IN NEW YORK

DEAR NAME GAME: Your cousin appears to have the empathy of a garden snail. Did it occur to anyone in the family to suggest to her that there are other flower names besides Daisy -- Dalia, Daphne or even Desert Rose? (Her nickname could be "Desi," which is cute.) If you haven't, please do before the baby arrives. However, if she refuses to change her mind, it's time for you to start memorizing the Serenity Prayer.

Comments

[cereta]

It sounds like your objection is not the name being used, but the reason for it. You really may just need to get over that. Set it in your heart that the name being given to a new life is a tribute to your late cousin, whatever the mother's reason, and let it warm your heart to see it carried on.

[the_rck]

I’m having a knee jerk response against reusing the name of a dead child for any reason at all in the same generation. One generation removed would feel better but still not quite right. Two would be better. I don’t have any etiquette objection; it just feels wrong. Too much like replacing the other child, too much like the new child won’t be seen separately. People have emotions tangled up in names and react to names in ways that make zero logical sense.

I react slightly differently to people who share names with people I like versus people who share names with people who have hurt me.

[cereta]

I react slightly differently to people who share names with people I like versus people who share names with people who have hurt me.

I especially hate it when names I like end up being associated with people who've hurt me. I love the name "Kelly," but it took me years to separate it from That Twip In High School.

(Of course, one of the people who hurt me most in my life shares the name of two subsequent besties, which for a while was really confusing. To this day, when I speak of "{Name} in Arizona," I have to add a clarifying phrase. At least current bestie is considered the default {Name}.)

[jadelennox]

That one I'm letting pass because I don't know the LW's cultural background -- I have an American Ashkenazi Jewish thing where I think naming someone after anyone living (eg. "junior") is super-sketchy and bad luck. That's all cultural superstions! So that may be appropriate for the LW's family.

But reusing the name for a reason which is just "I like it!" wigs me out esepecially.

In conclusion I'm glad this is not my family

[minoanmiss]

Okay, Cousin, why are you being so intransigent about this when you know your family's reasons for objecting? There are other D-named flowers: Daffodil, frex. I know they Can't Tell You What TO DO, but it might be kinder to unbend. Also, they're probably going to tell New Daisy ALL ABOUT "the real Daisy", because people are like that, so maybe don't set her up for that.

That said, LW, no one owns a name and you will continue to heal from the loss of your cousins. You might have ended up with a little Daisy in your life some other way (your kid's best friend, for instance) and you would have to deal. I wish I could hug you while saying this but that's what I'd tell you if I could.

Re: In conclusion I'm glad this is not my family

[tielan]

Also, they're probably going to tell New Daisy ALL ABOUT "the real Daisy", because people are like that, so maybe don't set her up for that.

Uh, yeah, this.

Re: In conclusion I'm glad this is not my family

[sathari]

Yes, this. All of this.

[ambyr]

A friend of mine had a kid three days after another friend of mine died . . . and gave her kid the name of my late friend. The new mom barely knew my late friend and certainly had no idea she had died (she, you know, was pretty focused on the whole being pregnant thing that week), it was a total coincidence, and yet it still took me two years to be able to refer to her daughter by name instead of as "friend's daughter."

Why would you do this on purpose? Why?

[xenacryst]

Hmm. The thing that sticks with me, regardless of what any of the current family thinks, is what impact is this going to have on the new child? People will be people, and some will accept and some will compare her to the other Daisy, and this Daisy is going to have a decent load to carry to get around that, starting from, well, as soon as she can understand what her name means. Why do that?

Also, the Serenity Prayer? Is that, "I am a leaf on the wind?"

[cereta]

Very good point. And heee on the Serenity Prayer, although on the off chance that you are not kidding, it's, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I may, and the wisdom to know the difference." Widely used in 12-step programs.