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Dear Prudence:
Dear Prudence,
My mother is retired and found a purpose in fostering rescue dogs. Unfortunately, my fiancée and her young daughter are both profoundly allergic. My mother gets offended because she can’t bring her “puppers” over to visit me and we will not come over and stay with her. Last Christmas we had to drive 200 miles to stay in an uncomfortable motel room and go out to an expensive restaurant so we could see her. My mother complains she doesn’t see me and calls my fiancée a “dog hater.” This is fraying my relationship with my mother. She is irrational about these dogs: They are pets, not people, and certainly not as important as her soon-to-be grandchild! My mother refuses to get a dog-sitter and thinks my fiancée and her daughter should just take some allergy pills. This situation is only going to get worse when I marry my wife and adopt this little girl. How do I get through to her?
—Canine Complications
The good news, at least, is that you have been able to keep your fiancée and stepdaughter safe by keeping the dogs out of your home—you’re doing well so far. “Mom, I know these rescue dogs mean a lot to you, and I’m happy for you and proud of the work you’ve done to help them. My fiancée and her daughter don’t have the kind of allergies that can be treated by over-the-counter pills. It’s not safe for them to spend time around dogs. It has nothing to do with their feelings for dogs, and it’s not something they have any control over. I’m not asking you to like this situation, but it’s not ever going to be possible for them to spend time in the same house as the dogs, so I hope you can find a way to reconcile yourself to it. I would hate for you to miss out on time with your new granddaughter. What I need from you is to stop trying to make them feel guilty for having severe allergies and suggest they just get over it or take pills that don’t work. They’re not physically capable of compromising on this issue, so whenever you revisit the topic, it’s unproductive and unkind. I don’t think that’s how you want to treat them, so I’m asking you to stop. I hope you do.”
My mother is retired and found a purpose in fostering rescue dogs. Unfortunately, my fiancée and her young daughter are both profoundly allergic. My mother gets offended because she can’t bring her “puppers” over to visit me and we will not come over and stay with her. Last Christmas we had to drive 200 miles to stay in an uncomfortable motel room and go out to an expensive restaurant so we could see her. My mother complains she doesn’t see me and calls my fiancée a “dog hater.” This is fraying my relationship with my mother. She is irrational about these dogs: They are pets, not people, and certainly not as important as her soon-to-be grandchild! My mother refuses to get a dog-sitter and thinks my fiancée and her daughter should just take some allergy pills. This situation is only going to get worse when I marry my wife and adopt this little girl. How do I get through to her?
—Canine Complications
The good news, at least, is that you have been able to keep your fiancée and stepdaughter safe by keeping the dogs out of your home—you’re doing well so far. “Mom, I know these rescue dogs mean a lot to you, and I’m happy for you and proud of the work you’ve done to help them. My fiancée and her daughter don’t have the kind of allergies that can be treated by over-the-counter pills. It’s not safe for them to spend time around dogs. It has nothing to do with their feelings for dogs, and it’s not something they have any control over. I’m not asking you to like this situation, but it’s not ever going to be possible for them to spend time in the same house as the dogs, so I hope you can find a way to reconcile yourself to it. I would hate for you to miss out on time with your new granddaughter. What I need from you is to stop trying to make them feel guilty for having severe allergies and suggest they just get over it or take pills that don’t work. They’re not physically capable of compromising on this issue, so whenever you revisit the topic, it’s unproductive and unkind. I don’t think that’s how you want to treat them, so I’m asking you to stop. I hope you do.”
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I get that him and his new family not being able to stay in her home kind of sucks. Both my brother and brother-in-law are profoundly allergic to cats, and this basically means that any remote hope we might have had of family visiting us is pretty much nil. It also means they can't stay in my mother's house for more than a few minutes. Her choice to have cats has been a source of some contention, but she doesn't resent the allergic for not visiting, for heaven's sake.
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At least Mom hasn't attempted amateur exposure therapy, I guess.
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LW's mother has no responsibilities for this child, and SHE gets to choose how important the child is to her. It'd be great if she has room in her heart to treat this child like a grandchild, but that is not an obligation.
I know my hackles would be up to the fucking MOON if, say, my mother remarried and was all "congrats, this is your soon-to-be sibling, this is now defined as MORE IMPORTANT than other priorities in your life that may conflict, deal with it."
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