Annie's Mailbox: Accused of Molestation

[cereta]

Dear Annie: My bullheaded 50-year-old daughter has taken gossip from 32 years ago to make my life a living hell.

I have four grown children. My older daughter called everyone she could think of and told them I molested my son when he was 5. My daughter never checked to see whether it was true. I have never been arrested for this or had charges filed against me. She further told all the grandchildren and great-grandchildren that they should never stop at my home.

I am 74 years old, have trouble breathing and have cancer that is currently in remission. I want to see my family before it's too late. My daughter called my sister-in-law and told her she will not go to my funeral when I die. I have been denied visits and phone calls from family members for three years. I desperately need my family to visit. -- Sad and Lonely

Dear Sad: You say charges were never filed, nor were you arrested, but you haven't said that you are innocent of the accusation. If the gossip is true, we completely understand why your daughter would want everyone to stay away. If it is not true, you need to make it clear to the rest of the family that your daughter is spreading lies. Please ask whether she would be willing to go with you for counseling to clear this up and to see whether there is any possibility of reconciling before it is too late.

Comments

[cereta]

I...am kind of with Annies' first comment, here. While you can kind of read a denial in between the lines ("never check to see whether it was true"), I find it really, really, really odd that, "this accusation is utterly false" was not the very next sentence after, "told them I molested my son when he was 5." I mean, that would be my first sentence if I were writing in about someone falsely accusing me of stealing a pencil, much less molestation. Further, the LW doesn't say anything about the "32-year-old gossip" and how or why it originated.

I am not saying the LW is guilty, but the letter just does not sit well in my gut.

[rosefox]

My very first thought before clicking through was "I bet the person did it and is just claiming the accusations are false" and oh hey, even when writing to a total stranger "Sad and Lonely" couldn't muster up an outright denial that they did what everyone's saying they did.

[cereta]

Yeah, it just really struck me as bizarre. I've dealt with enough writing that assumes readers will just known/believe/intuit certain points that I can almost see how someone, especially someone very privileged, might just assume we'd take that as a give, but even that's a reach.

[rosefox]

There's such a palpable air of "that's water under the bridge, why is everyone still whining about it". Really gross.

[minoanmiss]

Yes, that's it. I was trying to put the precise nasty attitude being projected into words, and "that's water under the bridge" is it indeed. ETA for correction.

[torachan]

Yeah, there is so much weird with this. Where did the gossip come from? Where is the son in all this? Saying "I was never charged" is suuuuuuuper weasely. And the "didn't check to see if it was true" is a weird way of phrasing it, too, especially since the son and/or source of "gossip" is not mentioned. Like he thinks the daughter should just ask him so he can say no (or "I was never charged" as the case may be!) and take that as the truth, even if she's heard from other first-hand sources.

Like, this guy is supposed to be defending himself and making himself look like the good guy. It's his own letter! And yet I 100% believe he did it just from his own wording.

[jadelennox]

this is exactly what my thought was. Hey, LW, why did you not say whether or not you did it? Why did you not say what Son says about all this?

[cereta]

The lack of any mention of the son and his POV on this really skeeves me.

[tielan]

A few things bug me:

1. No statement that the charges are false. Arrested/Charges filed means nothing - particularly if the accusations are 30+ years old.

2. The estrangement from the family is laid at the door of the molestation accusation, but the fact that everyone has entirely deserted LW in their old age and infirmity suggests to me that there are bigger problems in the familial relationships (which may or may not incorporate the issues of the accusation).

3. This feels very much like a "poor me, woe is me for I am old and have nobody to latch onto after abusing/driving away anyone close; make them come back and talk to me out of the duty of familial connection" letter looking for sympathy and support.

Annie's advice seems reasonable to me. If the accusations are untrue, then LW should endeavor to clear things up with daughter and/or a member of the family who might be willing to listen to their side. If the accusations are true, though, then LW is gonna have to suck it up and deal with being an pariah to their children and grandchildren for sins past committed, or else admit what they did was wrong and make amends by whatever means the children feel is appropriate to present-day contact.

[cereta]

#2 is a very good point. They're all good points, but the LW's credibility takes a real hit there.

[hellaweasels]

Also they've been estranged from the rest of the family for three years. That's a long time If the accusations aren't true.

[syderia]

Aside from what everybody else has said: where's the son? Why don't we get his take on this?

[eleanorjane]

Yeah, that was my thought.

And more to the point: if I were the son, I'd be pretty fucking pissed off at my sister, tbh. Where's his right to privacy, and his right *not* to have a pretty major violation and potential source of shame and grief become Family Drama 2k18 Edition?

[jadelennox]

The fact the Son was never mentioned by LW made me suspect that either Son was dead (and if so, were there self-harm / addiction problems causing Daughter to lay the death on the molestation's doorstep), completely estranged (ditto), or has been making this accusation for years and has been ignored. If Son were alive, present, and angry at Daughter, I would think that LW would use that as proof that they were in the right.