Ask a Manager: Interviewing while pregnant — but I’m not the mother

[minoanmiss]

A reader writes:

I’m currently employed, though attempting to change careers. I have a few great job interviews set up for positions I would love to have. My only hiccup in the interview process is that I’m four months pregnant, but the baby isn’t mine. I am a gestational carrier for a lovely family who just needed a little extra help to bring their child into the world.

That being said, I will not be having a baby come home from the hospital with me, nor will I have late night feedings, the need for a room to pump in, nor maternity leave. I’m expecting to just need to take a few days off for the delivery and a small amount of recovery, and then be right back in action.

I know I am in a very unique position. This is my third pregnancy and I’m already showing, and I’m at a loss as to how to broach this topic with a potential employer (or not to at all). I don’t want to turn off a potential employer since I am pregnant, but I also don’t want to not mention it and therefore ruin the groundwork of a trusted employer/employee relationship.


Are you showing to the point that you can’t hide it with business clothes?

If so, I’d mention it. Otherwise, you run the risk of them either consciously or unconsciously letting the pregnancy negatively affect your chances, since they’ll be calculating that you’ll be out for a few months not all that long after you start. At some employers, that’s not an issue at all, whereas for others it could indeed be a deal-breaker, or at least a deal-weakener. (And no, that’s not legal — or at least it’s not legal if they have 15 or more employees and thus are covered under Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, but it’s pretty common.)

If they’re going to realize you’re pregnant whether you mention it or not, I’d fill them in on the rest of the situation so that you’re not at risk of that kind of bias. You can bring it up by saying something like, “I should mention the elephant in the room,” and then explain the situation.

You don’t want your underlying message here to be “Unlike all those other pregnant women who you might be afraid to hire, I’m going to be right back at work.” That’s bad for other women, and it’s potentially insulting to your interviewer. Rather, the gist of your message should be “I realize a piece of this situation is clearly visible and I want to fill you in on how it will impact my schedule.”

Some people will be a little uncomfortable that you brought it up at all, but I think that’s outweighed by the benefits of raising it.

That said, there’s plenty of room for disagreement on this, and I think a reasonable argument can be made for not raising it at all … so it probably comes down to what you’re most comfortable with.

Also, what an amazing thing you’re doing.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

I didn't plan to post again so soon but this one was a wild ride. The comments were liberally strewn with warnings about employers who might disapprove of surrogacy enough to refuse to hire a surrogate mother, which just boggles me. The US can be such a retrograde country sometimes. One person attempted to claim that it was a terrible practice but didn't defend their statements when questioned.

This was not ever a situation I'd envisioned, and I found it really interesting.

[shirou]

Disapprove of surrogacy? WHY? I didn't realize that was a thing. Then again, I am baffled, on a semi-regular basis, that people can have such vehement negative reactions to things that don't affect them. There's something about human nature I just fundamentally do not understand.

I've encountered the word "retrograde" in technical writing--I'm a physicist--but I'm not sure I've seen it used in a non-technical sense before. It fits.

[minoanmiss]

I am so with you. People do things all the time that don't affect others and yet others feel so justified in judging them harshly for -- like the tattoo letter just previous. I find I have more than enough to worry about with those actions people take that do adversely and unfairly affect each other! i don't care about someone being a surrogate of her free will, except to think what she's doing is very generous and kind (but it's not like my opinion does or should matter to her) -- I would only care if she were being forced to be a surrogate, and I would blame those forcing her, not her.

Also, thank you. beams like a little child

[shirou]

“I realize a piece of this situation is clearly visible and I want to fill you in on how it will impact my schedule.”

Saying this in as neutral a way as possible is probably key. The LW should be prepared for the interviewer to give little response. It's illegal (in the US) to ask any questions in a job interview relating to pregnancy, and the interviewers may be awkward in their efforts to avoid violating the law. A bland response of "thank you for that" or "I see" doesn't mean the interviewers didn't appreciate the information.

Random, tangentially related anecdote: Years ago, I had an Italian friend and coworker who was outgoing and expressive in a stereotypically Italian and very charming way. Once, when interviewing an obviously pregnant woman, she turned the conversation to babies because, why not? She loves babies! It was well intentioned if not quite appropriate. Her co-interviewer had to rush in with "omg you can't do that here!"

[the_shoshanna]

It's not illegal to ask questions about pregnancy (and other legally protected statuses),it's just illegal (for companies over a certain size) to let such statuses affect hiring, so smart interviewers don't ask about them to avoid appearance of bias.

[jadelennox]

Yeah, when I worked at a large organization the in-house rules were that we were forbidden from asking both the questions the EEOC forbids US employers from asking, the questions the EEOC says you really shouldn't ask even though you technically can, and a list of other questions which could be used as evidence of bias. So we weren't allowed to ask "where do you live" (as opposed to "can you legally work in the united states without us sponsoring you for a visa," because home address could be a signifier of a protected class such as race or ethnic origin.

I've been asked the actualfax illegal questions so many times in interviews, but then I'm disabled. People suck and are badly trained.

[eleanorjane]

I really like this advice, tbh.

[minoanmiss]

Oh, I do too. And "elephant in the room" -- *giggle*