Dear Abby: Best Friend's Invitation Loses Appeal As Details Are Revealed

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend's best friend asked if we could drive an hour to visit them and their children on Saturday. I've met her twice, and we have chatted a bit online. I have met her fiance only once.

My boyfriend just told me she wants to take off with him to a bar for a birthday drink -- or two -- while I stay at home with her fiance. When I heard about it, I said I am not OK with being excluded. He understood and agreed they would take a walk around the block instead.

When I texted her saying I didn't want to be ditched, she insisted that I need to share him, and her fiance is looking forward to getting to know me better. She also tried to guilt me, saying it's her birthday weekend.

I think she's rude. I've never been to their house, and I'm not friends with her fiance. When you invite a couple over, I believe the expectation is to socialize as a group, not break off. I also think it should have been a request versus something I was told is happening. If she wants to spend time with my boyfriend, they should make separate plans. Can you please weigh in on the etiquette? -- UNEXPECTED PLANS IN THE EAST

DEAR UNEXPECTED: You appear to be the new kid on the block, while your boyfriend, his best friend and the fiance have known one another a long time. The purpose of getting together is for all concerned to have an enjoyable time. If you wouldn't feel comfortable in the situation as it was described, you shouldn't have been pressured to agree, regardless of whether it's her birthday weekend. She was wrong to do that, and yes, it was rude.

Comments

[cereta]

Am I the only one who'd be way more concerned that my boyfriend apparently expected me to be okay with being left alone in someone else's home with a man I barely knew? Just me?

[eleanorjane]

I'm a bit more sympathetic to the best friend here, because I've been the best friend in a setup of connections like this ;)

It's entirely possible that the visit is for the whole weekend, and the LW is one of those people who feels partners should do everything together, where LW's Boyfriend + BFF also want a chance to hang out for a bit just with the two of them as a subset of the weekend's socialising. In which case, fair play to the BFF and I think the LW needs to respect their BF's relationships.

It's also possible that the BFF has said to the BF "awesome, you and LW can come down for the weekend and LW can look after the kids while you and I hang out and do our Friend Stuff together, woop woop" and the LW is indeed being used just for free babysitting and should firmly be Not Here For That. :)

I just don't think we know enough from the letter to know; everything is filtered through LW's perspective, and it could be a totally objective accounting of events, or ... it might not.

(Although, on rereading, my sympathy for the LW is evaporating: the BF proposed taking "a walk around the block" with his BFF as an alternative, and LW still feels that's being "ditched". If I were the BFF I would feel quite irked by that - I just want to hang out with my friend for a while and his GF won't even let him go for a walk with me on my *birthday* without insisting on being there.)

[eleanorjane]

Dear god the comments on this at the original site are a trainwreck. Hello, tired old stereotype that men and women can't be friends without sex coming into it... the commentariat IMMEDIATELY leaped to "they're swingers!"

Sigh.