Care & Feeding: My son was being disgusting online. My solution has had unintended consequences.

[minoanmiss]

Dear Care and Feeding,


I have a 14-year-old son, “Tim.” About a month ago, I caught Tim on making lewd and disgusting posts in an online forum. Both as punishment and for his own online safety, I cut all internet connection from the house except for my own personal computer. If he needs to go online, he goes through me, under my supervision. He complained, of course. One of the arguments he made was that a lot of his school assignments are submitted online. I assumed he was just bullshitting to get back to his perversion, so I shut that down. Since then, I’ve gotten numerous calls from his teachers concerned about his grades slipping and him not turning in assignments. I told them about the situation, and that really, this is my son’s problem to figure out and their job to facilitate him handing in his homework, but they tend to range from unsympathetic at best to outright hostile at worst. I really don’t think Tim is ready for the internet, but I don’t know how to have him function given his entire life seems to be wired in. It wasn’t like this when I was growing up.

—Now What?

Dear Now What,

I strongly disagree that it’s your son’s teachers’ “job” to facilitate him handing in his homework. They have done that by setting-up an online portal for students to submit their assignments! And yeah, your son is 14, and doing the homework and handing in the homework is his responsibility. But his teachers are calling you because he’s stopped doing this, and they’re concerned about him. It’s a good thing that they’re reaching out you. They’re giving you an opportunity to parent him through this moment. Take it!

Talk to him about what’s up with his homework. Ask for a fuller understanding of why not having internet on his own devices has kept him from doing his homework. Figure out what’s going on and then brainstorm solutions with him. Could he do his homework at the library? Could he use your computer during a designated time each day? Could he do his homework on his own computer, and then you could briefly allow access to the internet for him to submit it? My guess is that he needs more computer time to do his homework, and that you’re either going to have to let him use your computer for extended periods or give him internet access again. Either way, you should really look into parental controls and restricting his access to certain sites. (Here’s a good guide on your options.)

You should also talk to him more about his forum posts you found and why they upset you so much. If you don’t think he’s “ready for the internet,” think about what you want him to know in order to be ready, and teach him that. You only have him for a few more years, and then the world—and the internet—is his oyster. If you want him to be a responsible citizen of both, teach him to be.

—Logan

Comments

[castiron]

One of the things I hate about modern schooling is its dependence on an internet connection. My kids have school-issued Chromebooks with some blocking, and even so it's really easy for them to find something more interesting than the assignment they're supposed to be doing. One kid manages to stay focused enough to do the assignments; for the other, having the internet in the same place where he does schoolwork has been detrimental.

However, yes, LW, in case you haven't noticed, the world our teens live in is not the world we grew up in. School is done on computers now. You are not going to browbeat the already put-upon teachers into making an exception for your widdle boy. You can either facilitate his doing the assignments from home, or you can try to find a private school that doesn't use technology.

[jadelennox]

yeah, regardless of LW's parenting issues, I feel the same way. As much of a game changer as it was during the school building closure part of covid, and as revolutionary as it theoretically can be for some disabled, sick, or physically remote kids with supportive school systems ("theoretically" because in practice school systems are less supportive, often from lack of resources or training), being required to have internet connected devices is deeply messed up in a world where people find kids' screen time so toxic that governments are literally banning them from social use of the internet. "Hey, kids, you're required to have an internet connected device NO NOT LIKE THAT."

(also the class vector is hard to ignore, eg. poor kids who don't have reliable internet or sufficient non-phone devices or safe places to store and use a school-issued chromebook. I was going to look up the articles about the ultra-wealthy eschewing tech in education but 1. I see some debunkings of the claim (archive link) and 2. the original NYT article that started the claim (archive link) is by Nellie Bowles—ie. Mrs. Bari Weiss—so I assume it's all lies. Should to reset my belief on that one I guess. I really miss the days when I didn't know individual reporters' names and know which ones are liars. And transphobes. And friends of Jeffery Epstein. Ugh.)

[topaz_eyes]

One of the arguments he made was that a lot of his school assignments are submitted online. I assumed he was just bullshitting to get back to his perversion, so I shut that down.

Nope, LW dropped the ball right here. LW already should have known about how Tim submits assignments. They would have known, if they paid attention to the information packets that come home at the start of the school year re class expectations. LW immediately should have informed Tim to submit his homework assignments using LW's computer.

LW has failed spectacularly with their stunning failure to listen to Tim's valid reason to be online, and his teachers. LW needs to pull their head out of their ass now and apologize, fix the mess they created and be a parent instead of a dictator. And maybe take parenting courses.

[resonant]

Or if LW didn't know how their son used the internet, then when the son said,"I need internet for homework," LW should have said, "Tell me more about that." Maybe set up some meetings with teachers to get suggestions for how everybody's goals could get met.

I'm afraid 14 is too old just to bring the ban hammer down. You're not going to be able to control WHETHER he internets; you're going to have to do some deep teaching and learning on HOW he internets.

[adrian_turtle]

This is ridiculous. LW is, what? In their 40s? All their expectations of the world are based on the 20th century.

One of the arguments he made was that a lot of his school assignments are submitted online. I assumed he was just bullshitting...

Not, "I didn't realize my kid's high school was so very online, even though all my own work is now online and half the communications from his school or about high school in general has mentioned online schoolwork." Specifically, their kid TOLD them how much his schoolwork depended on connectivity, and LW flatly assumed the kid was lying, without attempting to check. This is bad parenting tangled with intellectual dishonesty.

If he needs to go online, he goes through me, under my supervision.
Why doesn't schoolwork count as the kid needing to go online? Now that LW is aware how much there is, they should be supervising it. Yes, many days that will mean sitting next to their computer as the kid works one Delta Math problem after another and does not wander off to be obnoxious on Reddit. Some days it will mean sitting next to the computer as the kid collaborates with a couple of classmates on a group project. It's been 14 years, and they should know by now that parenting is not always easy or convenient.

this is my son’s problem to figure out and their job to facilitate him handing in his homework,

Most schools have ways to help kids who can't afford computers or who have technical difficulties getting online. But "facilitate his parent not being a bully" is not exactly part of the job.

[syderia]

Was their son being a pervert on reddit or were they, for instance, expressing age-approriate queer feelings in a safe space?

[resonant]

Oh dear. That possibility hadn't occurred to me.

[drglam]

The questioner eventually addressed that in the comments. The kid was apparently writing that he was doomed to never have sex because of his three foot long penis.

[syderia]

So the parent did overreact to standard teenage boy behaviour...

[minoanmiss]

Because I’m discouraged and pessimistic I had been wondering if the kid were using AI tools to make nudes of his female classmates ( a current popular pastime). So LW had a little of my sympathy for being the rare parent willing to rein in a harassing boy.


But this is hilariously teenage and LW is absolutely completely ridiculous in all particulars

[conuly]

LOL omg that is not an emergency, LW.

[adrian_turtle]

Just so. There are so many different things LW could have been reacting to, including the poop emoji, "Fuck ICE," violent misogyny, a queer support group, or slash. Or some really popular songs and R-rated movies.

[dissectionist]

Countdown to LW’s future letter about how their son fled the day he turned 18 and cut them off, and they don’t understand why because they were always so involved in their son’s life and got along so well.

[cimorene]

Also, "being disgusting" is a classic missing reason: conveys the speaker's disgust AND NO INFORMATION, could plausibly describe thousands of situations with the full range of severity and legitimately describe none (because it describes nothing). 🙄 The entire letter doesn't give any hope that this parent is capable of seeing reality, let alone amending their behavior, though.