Pay Dirt: My Unemployed Husband Seems Determined Never to Work Again

[minoanmiss]

Meanwhile, I’m exhausted.

Dear Pay Dirt,

My husband of 16 years has been under- or unemployed for more than six years. He is talented, smart, and affable, albeit suffers from the “smart so I don’t have to try hard” syndrome. He was never financially minded and resisted budgeting, so I’ve always handled our money. He got semi-consistent gig work for a few years. After we moved for my internship, he barely applied to positions and worked little on our fixer-upper, despite saying he would. He hung out with friends and drank/smoked weed more. He still visits friends overnight almost weekly. Employment has gone from an annoyance to a major stressor. I’ve tried discussing it, setting a schedule for applications, sending job ads, a trial separation, and marriage counseling. Nothing works. After six years, I’m angry and I just want him to get any fucking job.

Equally frustrating is that I have worked hard to be where I am in my career with no debt. Currently, I make $75,000/year as an assistant professor with the option to teach for extra money in the summer. In the last five years, some chronic illnesses have taken their toll on my health and job performance. Every day I feel some combination of exhaustion, nausea, pain, and anxiety, plus issues with cognitive processing. I’ve discussed wanting to retire early, because I don’t know how long I can work. As is, we barely save anything and I always have to teach extra due to our finances.

Despite all of this, I love him. I don’t know if I could actually divorce him over this. I don’t feel like I can count on him anymore. Do you have suggestions for how I can maintain financial security as a chronically-ill person, while still being married to someone who will most likely be unemployed long-term? Do you think a postnuptial agreement might be a good idea?

—So Tired, But Not Done Yet

Dear So Tired,

Your frustration is totally understandable. Your husband is behaving like a child, not an adult, and with no consideration for your needs. You obviously did not agree to this. It’s one thing to commit to being the sole breadwinner, and quite another to have your spouse put you in a position where you have no choice. You should not be having to tell him to apply for jobs or managing the process for him. You are not his mother.

I think you have to consider whether or not you could tolerate this for the rest of your life, because it doesn’t sound like your husband has any desire to change. If he continued to behave like this, indefinitely, how would you feel about it and react to it? If you’re angry now, what’s going to happen if your illnesses get worse? If you lose your job? Would you be okay with essentially treating your husband as a dependent? I know these are hard questions, but you can’t bet on someone you love changing their behavior unless they want to.

Your husband also needs to understand what kind of toll this is taking on you. Marriage isn’t just about love; it’s about support, too. You have been more than supportive of your husband, but he is not holding up his end of the deal. If this doesn’t change, what will it do to your health and happiness? Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? Love doesn’t obligate you to let your husband take advantage of you or ruin your ability to address your own needs.

I am also sympathetic to the fact that we all tolerate bad behavior from loved ones sometimes, because we care about them. You have to decide whether your love for your husband outweighs the fact that he is probably not going to change, and think about what your relationship will look like in the future, given that. If the idea of being in the same position in twenty years, but potentially in worse health, is intolerable to you, you have your answer.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

My reaction to this would have been very different five or ten years ago I once would have thought the husband was simply a tick attached to his wife's blood vessels. Now I find myself wondering if he's neurodiverse in a way that makes jobhunting and jobholding extra difficult or even just plain unmanageably difficult. But I also find myself wondering how much energy his working, chronically ill, exhausted wife is required to put into helping him figure that out, and if someone can help them at least talk about this situation so he knows what she's dealing with and she knows he knows. Maybe he's fine with it; maybe he thinks he has every right to live off his wife. Maybe he needs particular kinds of help he doesn't know how to get and he does want to support her but he hasn't managed it. Maybe there are other possibilities. This reminds me why I am not an advice columnist because now I see too many possibilities.

[otter]

I considered whether he had some unrecognized support needs going on, too. Having been through a sort of similar situation 20 years ago, I'd say he's still participating in financial abuse of his spouse whether he means to or not. I got divorced over it. Well, that and other reasons, but that was a BIG one.

[minoanmiss]

Oh ow I'm sorry you have such trenchantly pertinent experience.

And yes, whatever the reasons, the situation is untenable. There are a lot of people who would tell LW she has to suck it up "to be a good wife" or "because he can't help it" or whatever and they're absolutely wrong. I totally don't want to sound like that's what I'd recommend to her at all.

[otter]

You didn't sound like that at all. And thank you - I'm glad the worst of it was 20 years ago. I've worked on healing and growing since.

[magid]

Even if job hunting is very hard for him, he’s not managed to do the work he said he’d do on the fixer-upper house, either. He’s off socializing with friends a lot (including overnight 4x/month), but doesn’t seem to be doing *anything* to support LW. If he weren’t working but the house was fixed, the meals made, the rooms clean, the laundry done (etc), I bet LW would feel a bit more supported, even though she’s dealing with all the budgeting (and paying for his booze/weed, which are… discretionary items. So maybe he should pay for his own?). Does he not notice that his person is at the end of her rope?

Also, it’s been 6 years; right now the market sucks, but there have been boom times when it was easier to get a job in that time frame.

[castiron]

Yeah. Spouse hasn't worked since 2008 and is probably never going to have a job again. But he's taken care of our kids, done the grocery shopping and daily cooking and laundry, kept the cars mostly running, been the person at home when repair folks are needed, and in general contributed to the household in non-financial ways.

LW doesn't say whether her husband is at least making sure there's a hot meal on the table when she comes home from work, but my guess is "no".

[topaz_eyes]

LW needs to ask herself honestly: if tomorrow she becomes too ill to work, will her husband realistically step up to care for her? And then go from that answer.

[movingfinger]

This guy will sue for financial support if she divorces him. Yet, she should get a good lawyer and divorce him. He has shown no inclination to step up and support her in any way.

[angelofthenorth]

Alternatively, just legally separate. It's what I've done with my ex for a similar situation, and it's kicked him into gear no end. He can't sue for spousal support, and the separation of finances has made him focus radically on his income, housing and generally Growing Up. After fifteen years of marriage I wished I'd done it a lot sooner.

I have a longer term plan but I'm waiting a bit for it to come to fruition. I'm in no hurry.

[castiron]

If legal separation is an option where she lives. In my state, it's not available, and community property means that informal separation isn't workable either in a situation like this.

[ysobel]

Grumble about late-stage capitalism requiring chronically ill people to work themselves into worse health...