Ask a Manager: I think my employee is trans -- how can I signal support?

[minoanmiss]

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/07/rejecting-someone-for-including-servant-of-god-on-their-resume-i-cant-do-my-teams-important-work-on-my-own-and-more.html

3. I think one of my employees might be trans — how can I signal support?

I have reasons to think one of my reports might be trans. Without going into too much detail, I discovered this entirely by accident. I went to YouTube looking for streams of a video game I enjoy, and found a small channel was streaming that game. The streamer had their camera on, and I recognized both their face and their voice; but when I know them as, shall we say, Jane, the chat called them Tarzan. The chat referred to them with he/him pronouns, and their bio said that they were called Tarzan and used those pronouns.

I didn’t reveal myself, first because if I were streaming in my free time, I certainly wouldn’t want coworkers to pop into the chat, let alone someone I report to. Then because if they are actually a trans man, and not a cis woman as they present themselves as at work, I wouldn’t want to cause them anxiety by telling them I know.

I believe it’s everyone’s right to reveal their gender identity in their own time, or to not reveal it at all. The company we work for is known to lean on the conservative side, although the workers themselves have progressive views.

There is no reason to fear they could lose their job if they came out; we are not in the U.S. and there are strong laws against such discrimination. However, they could have a multitude of reasons not to come out. At the same time, I assume forcing yourself to be closeted at work would be terrible for your mental health, and I’d like to let them know it’s safe to do so. I’m not sure how to balance “wanting to let them know it’s safe to come out” and “respecting their privacy”. What would you recommend?

Yeah, definitely do not tell them what you found or put them in a position where they have to talk to you about it if they didn’t choose that 100% on their own. However, you can certainly do things to indicate that you’re a safe person and an ally — which could include putting up a rainbow sticker, wearing a t-shirt with an equality message, adding pronouns to your signature, making sure your whole team knows your company offers same-sex partner benefits and trans-affirming healthcare if they do, or so forth (and obviously making a point of speaking up if someone says something bigoted and of not tolerating bigotry on your team).

These are good things to do regardless, because you may have other LGBTQ+ employees on your team who would appreciate knowing you’re an ally.

Comments

[otter]

Simple - be a generally decent human being who doesn't say bigoted things about anyone. And push back against any bigoted things that may happen at the place of employment.

[dissectionist]

As an BTQ person, that wouldn’t be enough in and of itself to signal support to me, because in many workplaces nobody’s saying outright bigoted things (so there’s nothing to push back against) and many people seem generally nice and decent until one day months or years down the line a particular topic comes up and they suddenly show their ass. But until then, they seemed like a decent person.

My suggestion would be to wear pins; it’s not hard to find small rainbow flag and/or trans flag ally pins. Small and unobtrusive, but the people who need to see them will notice.

[otter]

I've been mostly working from home for decades, so i'm unfamiliar with workplace dynamics. My son works with a bunch of out-loudly bigoted people as an auto mechanic, so that is the perspective I was coming from.

[cimorene]

Me either!

Stickers, pins, signs, things like that that explicitly endorse are the best and easiest IMO.

I saw a great video that Oslo pride made about this for Pride this year: https://youtu.be/UVepoXddTW4?feature=shared

[pauraque]

Agreed.

[ofearthandstars]

I think one thing that came to mind for me here is that years before I came out as NB I would often keep my online spaces as either nongendered or male-gendered. This is because I found it easier to be taken seriously/treated well online as a man. So, there is a case where coworker may not even be trans, but may find it more comfortable to exist online dofferently/more anonymously.

Of course, recoganizing that I did eventually come out as genderqueer, perhaps my anecdote isn't the best example. 🤭

[ysobel]

It occurred to me, too, that presenting male can be advantageous in some circumstances -- gaming being one area -- so Jane could be cis and playing as a guy, or questioning gender, or genderfluid, or could be trans.

I also remember a situation -- not sure if I read it here or on reddit, probably the latter -- of someone whose coworker, convinced they were trans, kept harassing encouraging them to come out ... except they weren't trans, repeatedly said that, and finally had to go to HR.

[azurelunatic]

I'm another nonbinary folk who saw advantages to letting people guess at my gender online before I realized it myself. At one workplace I had a really fun time in their internal IRC letting people merrily misgender me as male before I eventually met people in person, at which point my IRC gender anonymity was blown.

But since Tarzan has apparently posted pronouns their bio said that they were called Tarzan and used those pronouns then I think it's likely that they are actually somewhere under the trans* umbrella. It seems more difficult to be he/they in many online circles than he/him, and if they were just trying to avoid some variety of social trouble, they could list he/him pronouns solely, or omit listing pronouns entirely.