agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Carolyn: My wife has always felt like the black sheep of her family. They’re not abusive or neglectful; it’s just that her siblings and parents share similar personalities, political beliefs and interests, and she seems to have been born the opposite. She believes her parents favored her siblings because they saw more of themselves in them.

We are expecting our first child, and my wife feels like she’s once again getting the short end of the stick. For example, my mother-in-law is hosting a shower, but at her house instead of a lavish restaurant like she did for my wife’s older sister.

My wife is now seriously thinking of limiting their interactions with our child because she believes the child will be similarly unfavored and it will be damaging to them. She’s already fantasizing about skipping the next big holiday season — which would be our child’s first Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.

I understand she’s emotional, and I try to be sympathetic and supportive, but I come from a small family. I have always relished the idea of our child being close to extended family.

he way I see it, my wife’s not even willing to give that a chance. When I’ve tried to talk about it, she’s snapped at me and accused me of downplaying her emotional needs. How can I navigate this? Do I get a say in my wife cutting off her family?
— Spouse

Spouse: I won’t defend snapping, but your wife is right. This is her family, and you don’t get to push her to feel awkward or under-loved just because you envisioned a role for them. Plus, “I understand she’s emotional”-type comments are dismissive. Concerns are either valid or not, and she’s telling you they’re valid.

Your desire for a sprawly family for your child is valid, too; don’t misunderstand me. It’s your means and your borderline insistence on it that are a problem. You’ve basically said doing this to spare your baby your childhood pain supersedes her pain at having a bad family experience. Please think on that a good while.

I do take your point that your wife essentially refuses to find out, in one Thanksgiving, whether her concern about old favoritism patterns is founded. But even then, the person who grew up with this family gets to veto such an emotional fact-finding holiday — because she’s the one who’d have to chew turkey and watch her parents not bond with her baby. Hypothetically, sure. But are you going to minimize what she’s facing, or validate it?

She may be more willing to take this on in time. Especially if her parents show they care. In the meantime, you two are excellent candidates for a family of choice, which will take effort to build but can be much happier and healthier than repeating old hurts. It will also take an epiphany from you — out loud — that you were 100 percent downplaying your wife’s emotional needs.

Readers’ thoughts:

· Are you close with your wife’s family? If not, then I would think about whether they are ever going to be the extended family you are looking for anyway.

· This baby may be healing for your wife and her family of origin. She may change her mind. Please don’t pressure her, but do see how things play out.

· Marriage is teamwork. Sometimes that includes understanding what is in one or the other domain. But when you get to the point of asking an outside authority who has the right to make a specific decision, then the issue is not really who decides; it is why you can’t work this out yourselves.

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I wonder who says that Wife's family was neither abusive nor neglectful. Choosing to reduce contact strongly suggests that they were.

Maybe that means "She had clothes and food growing up, and they never hit her".

"They did everything they were legally obligated to do, and nobody ever had to call social services. This is the definition of a loving family, what more could you ask for?"

1. Unless the grandparents are outright abusive, your child very likely won't notice until much older, and probably won't care much even after that. (They probably won't notice or care for at least a couple of years if you don't see them, either.) Grandparents are different from parents.

2. Your wife, on the other hand, has noticed and does care. Try worrying more about her feelings than about your hopes and dreams for a child you haven't even met yet and probably won't be anything like you're expecting anyway. Your wife, however, you know.

Try worrying more about her feelings than about your hopes and dreams for a child you haven't even met yet and probably won't be anything like you're expecting anyway.

And consider further: your in-laws apparently had a little script for how their family was supposed to be, to which your wife failed to conform.

If you don’t get the kind of child you scripted (and it looks as if you’re already doing so), will you repeat the pattern? And how will your wife (not to mention your child) receive that?

LW needs to remember his wife knows her parents better than he does, because she had to grow up with them and her siblings. It's painful to be in Wife's position.

To be fair, LW might not see the difference between a baby shower at home vs a baby shower at an upscale restaurant. But Wife has the right to decide whether that venue change is fair to her. (It's possible Wife's parents fell into penury in the years between SIL's shower and Wife's shower, and simply can't afford an upscale do this time. Or it may be yet another example in a long line of minimal effort events for her, but the best for the rest. Really only Wife will know that.)

Also, a "small" family can very well have lots more love in it than a bustling big one. LW's job is to support his wife, not put his wishes above hers.

Yeah, based on what's in the letter it could be anything from "LW's inlaws are outright abusive and have been scapegoating her since childhood, and LW is in denial" to "LW's inlaws are trying their best but just fundamentally don't understand their daughter, which happens and is tragic for everybody but especially the kid, and truly thought she would prefer a low-key event based on how she commented on her sister's fancy one".

But like either way, LW's wife has been really damaged by it and that should be LW's first priority

It's possible Wife's parents fell into penury in the years between SIL's shower and Wife's shower, and simply can't afford an upscale do this time.

Or they might have thrown a shower for their older daughter before an airborne pandemic made them hesitate to host a big gathering in a public place. Who can know?

I agree completely that LW needs to respect his wife's desire for distance from her family, and try to build some chosen family.

Reinforcing the concept of building chosen family. After all, LW and his wife chose one another, didn't they?

What I want to know is: why did LW build this fantasy independent of their actual in-laws? Your in-laws are actual people, LW. "Close to extended family" is not a thing. "Talks to Grandma about x thing and plays y game with Cousin A and etc. etc." is a thing. If you have actual ideas for things you had hoped your kid would get to do with your in-laws, sort through whether those ideas are realistic and whether your wife is okay making them happen--"your middle sister knows so much about conservation, I thought she'd be a great person to take the kid to the zoo" is very different from "IDK! Family!" and might be a different conversation.

But if what you have is "this is what I fantasized about in the abstract, without reference to your actual family," leave it be.

Loads of people don't spend every major holiday with their families--sometimes by chance (not being able to get time off to travel etc.) and sometimes very much on purpose. Loads of people want the chance to do a holiday their way rather than just dragging themselves to whatever their family has always done. Find out what your wife finds appealing about not spending holidays with her family. See how it sounds. See if it's more grounded in reality than "I hope my kid will want to spend a ton of time with people who make their mother feel like garbage."

Also I don't love that Carolyn added the idea of "your childhood pain" to the LW's letter when LW does not describe being in pain, just wanting something different. Nowhere does LW say that they were in pain. "I come from a small family and I relished the idea" is not the same as "I was hurt by this lack," and turning up that emotional heat on it seems really unnecessary.

groans This is a fundamental disconnect I've seen many times in my life, between people who come from families who hurt them [1] and people who did not. I really value people in the latter category who actually take time and empathy to understand those of us in the former. This husband demonstrates how rare that is. I feel very bad for his wife.

[1] one doesn't have to prove one's family abusive to a legal standard to have been hurt by them.

I knew my dad was his parents least favorite child by the time I was four or five. When I got cousins on that side, I quickly went from beloved only grandchild to trying to get scraps of approval. If your wife thinks limiting contact would be for the best, I'd trust her gut.