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Dear Carolyn: My wife has always felt like the black sheep of her family. They’re not abusive or neglectful; it’s just that her siblings and parents share similar personalities, political beliefs and interests, and she seems to have been born the opposite. She believes her parents favored her siblings because they saw more of themselves in them.
We are expecting our first child, and my wife feels like she’s once again getting the short end of the stick. For example, my mother-in-law is hosting a shower, but at her house instead of a lavish restaurant like she did for my wife’s older sister.
My wife is now seriously thinking of limiting their interactions with our child because she believes the child will be similarly unfavored and it will be damaging to them. She’s already fantasizing about skipping the next big holiday season — which would be our child’s first Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.
I understand she’s emotional, and I try to be sympathetic and supportive, but I come from a small family. I have always relished the idea of our child being close to extended family.
he way I see it, my wife’s not even willing to give that a chance. When I’ve tried to talk about it, she’s snapped at me and accused me of downplaying her emotional needs. How can I navigate this? Do I get a say in my wife cutting off her family?
— Spouse
Spouse: I won’t defend snapping, but your wife is right. This is her family, and you don’t get to push her to feel awkward or under-loved just because you envisioned a role for them. Plus, “I understand she’s emotional”-type comments are dismissive. Concerns are either valid or not, and she’s telling you they’re valid.
Your desire for a sprawly family for your child is valid, too; don’t misunderstand me. It’s your means and your borderline insistence on it that are a problem. You’ve basically said doing this to spare your baby your childhood pain supersedes her pain at having a bad family experience. Please think on that a good while.
I do take your point that your wife essentially refuses to find out, in one Thanksgiving, whether her concern about old favoritism patterns is founded. But even then, the person who grew up with this family gets to veto such an emotional fact-finding holiday — because she’s the one who’d have to chew turkey and watch her parents not bond with her baby. Hypothetically, sure. But are you going to minimize what she’s facing, or validate it?
She may be more willing to take this on in time. Especially if her parents show they care. In the meantime, you two are excellent candidates for a family of choice, which will take effort to build but can be much happier and healthier than repeating old hurts. It will also take an epiphany from you — out loud — that you were 100 percent downplaying your wife’s emotional needs.
Readers’ thoughts:
· Are you close with your wife’s family? If not, then I would think about whether they are ever going to be the extended family you are looking for anyway.
· This baby may be healing for your wife and her family of origin. She may change her mind. Please don’t pressure her, but do see how things play out.
· Marriage is teamwork. Sometimes that includes understanding what is in one or the other domain. But when you get to the point of asking an outside authority who has the right to make a specific decision, then the issue is not really who decides; it is why you can’t work this out yourselves.
Link
We are expecting our first child, and my wife feels like she’s once again getting the short end of the stick. For example, my mother-in-law is hosting a shower, but at her house instead of a lavish restaurant like she did for my wife’s older sister.
My wife is now seriously thinking of limiting their interactions with our child because she believes the child will be similarly unfavored and it will be damaging to them. She’s already fantasizing about skipping the next big holiday season — which would be our child’s first Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.
I understand she’s emotional, and I try to be sympathetic and supportive, but I come from a small family. I have always relished the idea of our child being close to extended family.
he way I see it, my wife’s not even willing to give that a chance. When I’ve tried to talk about it, she’s snapped at me and accused me of downplaying her emotional needs. How can I navigate this? Do I get a say in my wife cutting off her family?
— Spouse
Spouse: I won’t defend snapping, but your wife is right. This is her family, and you don’t get to push her to feel awkward or under-loved just because you envisioned a role for them. Plus, “I understand she’s emotional”-type comments are dismissive. Concerns are either valid or not, and she’s telling you they’re valid.
Your desire for a sprawly family for your child is valid, too; don’t misunderstand me. It’s your means and your borderline insistence on it that are a problem. You’ve basically said doing this to spare your baby your childhood pain supersedes her pain at having a bad family experience. Please think on that a good while.
I do take your point that your wife essentially refuses to find out, in one Thanksgiving, whether her concern about old favoritism patterns is founded. But even then, the person who grew up with this family gets to veto such an emotional fact-finding holiday — because she’s the one who’d have to chew turkey and watch her parents not bond with her baby. Hypothetically, sure. But are you going to minimize what she’s facing, or validate it?
She may be more willing to take this on in time. Especially if her parents show they care. In the meantime, you two are excellent candidates for a family of choice, which will take effort to build but can be much happier and healthier than repeating old hurts. It will also take an epiphany from you — out loud — that you were 100 percent downplaying your wife’s emotional needs.
Readers’ thoughts:
· Are you close with your wife’s family? If not, then I would think about whether they are ever going to be the extended family you are looking for anyway.
· This baby may be healing for your wife and her family of origin. She may change her mind. Please don’t pressure her, but do see how things play out.
· Marriage is teamwork. Sometimes that includes understanding what is in one or the other domain. But when you get to the point of asking an outside authority who has the right to make a specific decision, then the issue is not really who decides; it is why you can’t work this out yourselves.
Link
no subject
To be fair, LW might not see the difference between a baby shower at home vs a baby shower at an upscale restaurant. But Wife has the right to decide whether that venue change is fair to her. (It's possible Wife's parents fell into penury in the years between SIL's shower and Wife's shower, and simply can't afford an upscale do this time. Or it may be yet another example in a long line of minimal effort events for her, but the best for the rest. Really only Wife will know that.)
Also, a "small" family can very well have lots more love in it than a bustling big one. LW's job is to support his wife, not put his wishes above hers.
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But like either way, LW's wife has been really damaged by it and that should be LW's first priority
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Or they might have thrown a shower for their older daughter before an airborne pandemic made them hesitate to host a big gathering in a public place. Who can know?
I agree completely that LW needs to respect his wife's desire for distance from her family, and try to build some chosen family.
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