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agonyaunt2025-03-11 09:35 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2025-03-11 09:35 am
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Dear Prudence: Sconces of Doom
My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and just moved in together. It is a little sooner than I would have ever expected to move in with a significant other, but we were both paying a lot in rent and spent so much time at each other’s places it just made sense. However, I just learned something about her that I’m worried might be a deal breaker … and it’s about something as seemingly frivolous as light bulbs!
Early on when we were dating, I realized when she came over to my apartment that she had a strong aversion to overhead lighting and preferred having them off in favor of using floor and table lamps with softer lighting like she used in her own apartment. I thought this was just a quirk and it didn’t bother me at all—lights to me are either on or off and was something I had rarely thought about. At one point, she even gave me another lamp for my apartment so we didn’t have to use the overhead lights, which we joked about and I even found endearing. I was happy to be dating a woman who is confident and assertive in her preferences.
Fast forward to moving in together—we were able to find a reasonably priced apartment we both liked, which even had minimal overhead lighting, which she loved. There were three built in wall sconces which she said she was fine with, and we signed a one-year lease together. The other day, I came home from work to find her changing the light bulbs in the wall sconces. I asked her what she was doing and she explained that she couldn’t stand the LED lightbulbs in them so was replacing them with incandescent bulbs, and that she had replaced the other LED bulbs in the lamps I brought from my apartment as well. She said she had been “hoarding” warm toned incandescent bulbs ever since Biden announced a ban on them in 2023 and that even though she hates Trump she’s actually excited about him rolling back regulations on lightbulbs.
Here’s the thing: We met canvassing for a liberal candidate for a local office and have not had any political disagreements up until this point, so I was shocked—she describes herself as an environmentalist and liberal so I was completely baffled. I took a walk to process and when we talked about it that night, I told her how I felt and explained the environmental impacts of incandescent bulbs versus LEDs. In response, she argued that individual consumer choices are of less importance than wider systemic change, and that LED lights (even the warmer toned ones I was using) trigger her migraines and might have other health effects we’re not aware of.
She also told me that she was willing to pay a larger share of the electric bill if I was concerned about the financial impacts of this choice. This is not an issue for me at all, and she has never said anything about having migraines before. I don’t want to accuse her of lying, but I do think she is being a hypocrite—she is pretty vocal about her political leanings and does not even seem to be concerned or ashamed about her preference for incandescent bulbs.
I do care deeply about the importance of sustainability, but I’m more concerned about my girlfriend revealing a side of her I haven’t seen before, and I don’t know if I can move past what I would consider to be her hypocrisy and refusal to compromise. She is accusing me of disregarding her health, and I’m at a loss as to how to move forward. Since the wall sconces came with the apartment, I’m considering contacting the landlord to see if there is anything in writing about their requirements for lightbulbs in the building so I have some leverage to try and sway her. Any other ideas? This seems like a ridiculous reason to break up with her, but I also think her attitude about this is ridiculous and reveals a lot about her character. Please help!
—Seeing Her in a New Light
Dear New Light,
Moving in with a partner always involves a bit of a reality check where you have to suddenly reckon with many, many aspects of your partner that you don’t find attractive; it sounds like that’s what’s happening for you, in the form of this lightbulb argument. You’re finding out that your girlfriend is as flawed and inconsistent, like any other human. I can understand why your girlfriend would seem hypocritical and obstinate to you about this situation, but I hope you can also understand that you’re coming off rather obstinate and judgmental. While it’s wonderful that you and your girlfriend first bonded over shared politics, I’m sure by now you realize that most individuals tend to not be 100 percent ideologically pure when it comes to their day-to-day lifestyle choices.
It sounds to me that you’re holding your girlfriend to a pretty high standard, and she’s falling short of it. Now you’re feeling disillusioned and slightly suspicious—and that’s normal! But I think you need to tread carefully here, because she’s likely forming her own conclusions now about your response, too. If I were her, I’d have a lot of mixed feelings about dating someone who turns my—yes, possibly selfish—preference for lighting into a referendum on my character. Put simply: It’s not terribly fun to live with (or to date!) someone who makes you feel judged.
My advice to you is that you should think deeply about what actually is bugging you about this lightbulb stuff. If the lighting choices in your apartment don’t actually affect you personally outside of what it “symbolizes” about your girlfriend’s belief system, you need to spend some time considering your ability to tolerate a partner’s choices that you don’t agree with. The question isn’t, “Who’s right about this lightbulb situation?” but “Can I respect and live with a partner who doesn’t always live according to my own standards?”
Early on when we were dating, I realized when she came over to my apartment that she had a strong aversion to overhead lighting and preferred having them off in favor of using floor and table lamps with softer lighting like she used in her own apartment. I thought this was just a quirk and it didn’t bother me at all—lights to me are either on or off and was something I had rarely thought about. At one point, she even gave me another lamp for my apartment so we didn’t have to use the overhead lights, which we joked about and I even found endearing. I was happy to be dating a woman who is confident and assertive in her preferences.
Fast forward to moving in together—we were able to find a reasonably priced apartment we both liked, which even had minimal overhead lighting, which she loved. There were three built in wall sconces which she said she was fine with, and we signed a one-year lease together. The other day, I came home from work to find her changing the light bulbs in the wall sconces. I asked her what she was doing and she explained that she couldn’t stand the LED lightbulbs in them so was replacing them with incandescent bulbs, and that she had replaced the other LED bulbs in the lamps I brought from my apartment as well. She said she had been “hoarding” warm toned incandescent bulbs ever since Biden announced a ban on them in 2023 and that even though she hates Trump she’s actually excited about him rolling back regulations on lightbulbs.
Here’s the thing: We met canvassing for a liberal candidate for a local office and have not had any political disagreements up until this point, so I was shocked—she describes herself as an environmentalist and liberal so I was completely baffled. I took a walk to process and when we talked about it that night, I told her how I felt and explained the environmental impacts of incandescent bulbs versus LEDs. In response, she argued that individual consumer choices are of less importance than wider systemic change, and that LED lights (even the warmer toned ones I was using) trigger her migraines and might have other health effects we’re not aware of.
She also told me that she was willing to pay a larger share of the electric bill if I was concerned about the financial impacts of this choice. This is not an issue for me at all, and she has never said anything about having migraines before. I don’t want to accuse her of lying, but I do think she is being a hypocrite—she is pretty vocal about her political leanings and does not even seem to be concerned or ashamed about her preference for incandescent bulbs.
I do care deeply about the importance of sustainability, but I’m more concerned about my girlfriend revealing a side of her I haven’t seen before, and I don’t know if I can move past what I would consider to be her hypocrisy and refusal to compromise. She is accusing me of disregarding her health, and I’m at a loss as to how to move forward. Since the wall sconces came with the apartment, I’m considering contacting the landlord to see if there is anything in writing about their requirements for lightbulbs in the building so I have some leverage to try and sway her. Any other ideas? This seems like a ridiculous reason to break up with her, but I also think her attitude about this is ridiculous and reveals a lot about her character. Please help!
—Seeing Her in a New Light
Dear New Light,
Moving in with a partner always involves a bit of a reality check where you have to suddenly reckon with many, many aspects of your partner that you don’t find attractive; it sounds like that’s what’s happening for you, in the form of this lightbulb argument. You’re finding out that your girlfriend is as flawed and inconsistent, like any other human. I can understand why your girlfriend would seem hypocritical and obstinate to you about this situation, but I hope you can also understand that you’re coming off rather obstinate and judgmental. While it’s wonderful that you and your girlfriend first bonded over shared politics, I’m sure by now you realize that most individuals tend to not be 100 percent ideologically pure when it comes to their day-to-day lifestyle choices.
It sounds to me that you’re holding your girlfriend to a pretty high standard, and she’s falling short of it. Now you’re feeling disillusioned and slightly suspicious—and that’s normal! But I think you need to tread carefully here, because she’s likely forming her own conclusions now about your response, too. If I were her, I’d have a lot of mixed feelings about dating someone who turns my—yes, possibly selfish—preference for lighting into a referendum on my character. Put simply: It’s not terribly fun to live with (or to date!) someone who makes you feel judged.
My advice to you is that you should think deeply about what actually is bugging you about this lightbulb stuff. If the lighting choices in your apartment don’t actually affect you personally outside of what it “symbolizes” about your girlfriend’s belief system, you need to spend some time considering your ability to tolerate a partner’s choices that you don’t agree with. The question isn’t, “Who’s right about this lightbulb situation?” but “Can I respect and live with a partner who doesn’t always live according to my own standards?”
no subject
But my spouse can't have certain scents in the house. That's something that anyone living in or buying anything for the space needs to know in advance! It would not be OK for him to have asked me to move in and then AFTER i moved in, he replaced all my grooming products with different ones without asking me.
no subject
Oh yeah, I agree, although I wouldn't be surprised if she thought she had - no/minimal overhead lighting seems to have solved it when she was at LW's place before they moved in together, and she might not have thought to bring up the lightbulbs. But either way I was more reacting to him seeming sceptical that she even has migraines, given that she's apparently put effort into avoiding triggers.
no subject
no subject
Random comment: you know about edible glitter, right? Ive given it to several glitter loving children so they don't have to be dissuaded from eating the glitter.
no subject