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Dear Prudence:
Link.
Dear Prudence,
When I was growing up, my mother was the breadwinner while my father stayed home with us. It was always assumed that I, too, would be a “girlboss.” But I’ve had awful anxiety my whole life, and the idea of working outside the home overwhelmed me. It’s been a long journey for me to accept that I don’t need to earn money to be worthy.
I’m now a stay-at-home mom to two little boys, and we have a darling angel joining us this summer! My mother has been a tremendous help through my first trimester, and I feel truly blessed getting to see how happy and well-adjusted my boys are and thinking about how well-adjusted my daughter will be. Here’s where the problem comes in. I’ve seen how well-adjusted my kids are, and I know a HUGE part of that is my steady presence in the home. I’ve also been reading tons of parenting books about the importance of a healthy attachment in a child’s first three years to guarantee a healthy bond with the mother and emotional self-regulation. The more that I see the benefits of this in my own toddlers, the angrier I am with my mother.
I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life. I blamed it on unpopularity in grade school and a heavy course load in college. Since becoming a SAHM, I’ve noticed that my anxiety is as crazy as ever even on “easy” days. Meanwhile, my tots are anxiety-free. I’ve realized that my years of anxiety attacks and lying awake at night is because I didn’t have that secure attachment with my mother in my early years. Now, I have a great bond with my mother as an adult! We talk every day, and I absolutely could not have gotten through the first trimester of any of my pregnancies without her, much less the postpartum months. But I’m still resentful that my mother didn’t make me more of a priority so that I could be well-adjusted.
I don’t know how to bring this up with her. We’ve talked before about the fact that she should have spent more time with me when I was a kid. I know that she was raised in a very careerist world. She sees my staying home with my kids as a “choice” and has a very “you do you” attitude about it, but that’s not enough. She doesn’t understand that by making her work a higher priority than me, she set me up for a lifetime of anxiety and attachment issues. Should I bring this up with her at all, or should I accept my mother’s limitations?
—First Generation SAHM
Dear First Generation SAHM,
It’s normal to feel resentment toward a parent about the choices they made that affected your well-being, especially when those effects are so clearly felt as an adult. Now that you’re a mother yourself, I can imagine that it’s galling to consider what your own childhood could have been like if your needs had been better met. I do think there’s a time and place in the future for you and your mother to have productive, compassionate conversations about how you feel about your childhood and the way she raised you.
But I think you first need to examine and work through your anger and resentment with a professional—ideally, a licensed therapist who can help you vent, rage, and grieve to your heart’s content. Therapy can also help you manage your anxiety generally, too. If talking to a therapist is out of the question for now, I think you need some form of a supportive outlet, such as a friend who also has similar mommy issues or even an online support group of fellow young mothers. You need some space to dig through the years of emotions and memories that have curdled into this resentment on your own first before you are ready to discuss it with your mother. Give yourself a lot of time to do this; no one in the history of the earth has ever fixed their mother-daughter relationship overnight.
You’ll know that you’re ready to talk to your mom once you’ve arrived at a place where you can feel a little compassion and empathy for the way she made a tough choice to balance her own needs with that of her children’s. No woman ever gets it perfectly right; when you’re able to feel more accepting of your mother’s choices, it’ll be a good time to open the conversation.
—Delia
Dear Prudence,
When I was growing up, my mother was the breadwinner while my father stayed home with us. It was always assumed that I, too, would be a “girlboss.” But I’ve had awful anxiety my whole life, and the idea of working outside the home overwhelmed me. It’s been a long journey for me to accept that I don’t need to earn money to be worthy.
I’m now a stay-at-home mom to two little boys, and we have a darling angel joining us this summer! My mother has been a tremendous help through my first trimester, and I feel truly blessed getting to see how happy and well-adjusted my boys are and thinking about how well-adjusted my daughter will be. Here’s where the problem comes in. I’ve seen how well-adjusted my kids are, and I know a HUGE part of that is my steady presence in the home. I’ve also been reading tons of parenting books about the importance of a healthy attachment in a child’s first three years to guarantee a healthy bond with the mother and emotional self-regulation. The more that I see the benefits of this in my own toddlers, the angrier I am with my mother.
I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life. I blamed it on unpopularity in grade school and a heavy course load in college. Since becoming a SAHM, I’ve noticed that my anxiety is as crazy as ever even on “easy” days. Meanwhile, my tots are anxiety-free. I’ve realized that my years of anxiety attacks and lying awake at night is because I didn’t have that secure attachment with my mother in my early years. Now, I have a great bond with my mother as an adult! We talk every day, and I absolutely could not have gotten through the first trimester of any of my pregnancies without her, much less the postpartum months. But I’m still resentful that my mother didn’t make me more of a priority so that I could be well-adjusted.
I don’t know how to bring this up with her. We’ve talked before about the fact that she should have spent more time with me when I was a kid. I know that she was raised in a very careerist world. She sees my staying home with my kids as a “choice” and has a very “you do you” attitude about it, but that’s not enough. She doesn’t understand that by making her work a higher priority than me, she set me up for a lifetime of anxiety and attachment issues. Should I bring this up with her at all, or should I accept my mother’s limitations?
—First Generation SAHM
Dear First Generation SAHM,
It’s normal to feel resentment toward a parent about the choices they made that affected your well-being, especially when those effects are so clearly felt as an adult. Now that you’re a mother yourself, I can imagine that it’s galling to consider what your own childhood could have been like if your needs had been better met. I do think there’s a time and place in the future for you and your mother to have productive, compassionate conversations about how you feel about your childhood and the way she raised you.
But I think you first need to examine and work through your anger and resentment with a professional—ideally, a licensed therapist who can help you vent, rage, and grieve to your heart’s content. Therapy can also help you manage your anxiety generally, too. If talking to a therapist is out of the question for now, I think you need some form of a supportive outlet, such as a friend who also has similar mommy issues or even an online support group of fellow young mothers. You need some space to dig through the years of emotions and memories that have curdled into this resentment on your own first before you are ready to discuss it with your mother. Give yourself a lot of time to do this; no one in the history of the earth has ever fixed their mother-daughter relationship overnight.
You’ll know that you’re ready to talk to your mom once you’ve arrived at a place where you can feel a little compassion and empathy for the way she made a tough choice to balance her own needs with that of her children’s. No woman ever gets it perfectly right; when you’re able to feel more accepting of your mother’s choices, it’ll be a good time to open the conversation.
—Delia
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