Care & Feeding: My Partner's Son's Girlfriend's Kids ...

[minoanmiss]

My partner moved in with me during the pandemic. She has two adult sons, both of whom were living overseas when we got together. Her son, “Zach,” has recently moved back to the States, is now living in our guest room, and is currently looking for a full-time job. He is fine. His current girlfriend is not. I hesitate to call her a single parent because I haven’t seen her parent her kids. They scream at the top of their lungs, hit each other, and get into fights over everything. They don’t wash their hands, cover their mouths, or bother to flush the toilet when they are done. “Please” and “thank you” might as well be foreign words. Their mother’s answer is to throw a tablet at them until they shut up. Whenever my partner or I try to intervene like separating the fighting kids into separate rooms, coaching them to clean up after themselves, or turning off YouTube, she perks up and tells us not to parent her kids.

Recently, we had company over and used the firepit I had in the backyard. The 8-year-old kept trying to toss random trash into the fire. No matter how many times I told him to stop, he would ignore me and start up again. The last time he tried, I grabbed his hand and forced him to dump the trash on the ground. So he bit me. I don’t have kids, but my grandniece is a toddler and she understands this is unacceptable. His mother was polishing down another beer when I went up to her. I explained what happened, and she started to rant about how I can’t touch her kid, I can’t talk to her kid, and screw me for telling her how to raise them. So I told her to get the hell out of my house. It caused a scene where Zach had to drive his girlfriend and her kids home because it was obvious that she was too drunk to. Zach apologized, but I told him that his girlfriend and her kids were no longer welcome in my house. He could go visit her instead.

This sparked a fight with Zach and his mother. They feel I am acting like an overbearing ass, and I am quick to remind them, “my house, my rules.” Zach is perfectly welcome to move out into his own place or in with his girlfriend. Everything is tense. My partner agrees that the kids are out of control and their mother doesn’t do anything about it, but she says I “escalated” things. We have been trying the soft pedal approach. It has gotten us nowhere. I love her, but it is crazy to expect us to tolerate this behavior in our own home. Zach is pretty far gone on his girlfriend, and I know my partner is wary of pushing it, but come on. I need an outside perspective here, please.

—Crazy Kids

Dear Crazy Kids,

It sounds like your partner wants the house to be a comfortable place for her son and his girlfriend’s children, regardless of what it costs you. Talk to your partner first and let her know that the last thing you’d want is to cause drama with her son, but explain to her why what his girlfriend’s kid did was so dangerous. Let her know that you have been as patient and understanding as you can be, but that it’s simply obvious that this woman won’t step up and adequately parent her children. Ask her to back you up when it comes to talking to her son; bring up some of the kids’ other noteworthy shenanigans to remind him just what you are dealing with. Let him know that if there’s a marked difference in these children’s behavior, they can be welcome in your home again. Stick to your guns and don’t let either of them convince you that you have to open your doors to kids who don’t respect you.

—Jamilah

Comments

[cereta]

I'm going to disagree only because the child was about to throw trash into an open fire, and was not listening when told to stop. In that immediate moment, I would file that under "absolutely necessary." If LW squeezed more tightly than necessary or caused actual pain, I would change my view, but this, to me, falls under "child is about to touch a red-hot stove coil" rules. Admittedly, I probably wouldn't have had my fire pit lit if I knew ill-behaved children that young were going to be there, and the parent could not be relied upon to see to their safety.

That last point to me is what makes the question of whether the LW escalated or not moot. I wouldn't be forbidding the children from coming to my house because one bit me (well, that, too, but it wouldn't be the primary issue). I would be forbidding them from coming to my house because I (a) cannot rely on their parent to see to their safety, and (b) have been forbidden from doing anything about it myself.

[cimorene]

This.

That Bad Advice Re: Chat Comment

[minoanmiss]

I guess I should clarify -- I definitely think LW has the right to ban the girlfriend and her children from his house. But having a fire in the firepit was either an attractive nusiance around such badly behaved children (non-legal meaning) or not particularly dangerous. I still don't think LW was right in grabbing the kid unless there were extenuating circumstances (in which case why is there a fire in the first place)

Re: That Bad Advice Re: Chat Comment

[cereta]

I would agree that LW probably shouldn't have had the firepit going (or, ideally, shouldn't have had GF and her kids to whatever the gathering was). But I had a neighbor who decided that the way to get rid of excess trash (besides putting it in our bins) was to burn it,* so I've seen how seemingly "harmless" trash like paper towels can get away from a contained fire. I do believe that putting hands on anyone past the age of about three should be an absolute last resort, but in LW's shoes, I might well have done it.

*Have I mentioned how very, very happy I am not to be living there anymore?

Re: That Bad Advice Re: Chat Comment

[minoanmiss]

That used to be a common, dangerous, and officially-warned-against method of trash disposal in Jamaica when I was a kid. I do totally know what you mean about the dangers of that method.

I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo glad you're not there anymore, omg.

I think everyone here thinks I'm trying to justify the kid's bad behavior and his mother's lack of care. I'm not! I just think that for too long our society has held children's bodily autonomy as best as a privilege to be revoked as a punishment and at worst as nonexistent. And also it gives the mother ammunition to claim that LW was "dragging my kid all over the back yard" or whatever. But I'm already getting a drubbing so I probably shouldn't even get into those.

Re: That Bad Advice Re: Chat Comment

[julian]

"...trying to justify... his mother's lack of care"

Pssht. Do not. You're just focusing on an aspect I (we?) didn't.

Re: That Bad Advice Re: Chat Comment

[minoanmiss]

Thank you for reminding me. tries to breathe

Re: That Bad Advice Re: Chat Comment

[cereta]

I don't think in any way, shape, or form you're justifying the kids' or GF's behavior. I just disagree that LW's action in grabbing the kid's hand is an "escalation." And I get your objection, I do, but you know, if the person in question had been an inebriated adult, and they were about to throw something into the fire no matter how many people told them to stop, I would probably at the very least have grabbed the item. Now, granted, I have the kind of weird "privilege" of being a very little woman (and the real privilege of being white), so I doubt anyone would accuse me of physical bullying or intimidation for doing so.