Care and Feeding: I made a bad joke about my sister's baby

[cereta]

Link.

Dear Care and Feeding,

A couple of weeks ago, I paid a visit to my older sister “Marissa” and her 2-month-old daughter “Mariah.” When Marissa commented how much of an angel my niece was, I jokingly replied that she’d better enjoy it now because by the time Mariah turns 12, she’s going to hate the sight of her. Then all hell broke loose.

She broke down crying! My younger sister, who was also there, got up and practically shoved me out the front door! Later, I got a text from my brother-in-law saying that I was not welcome at their house until I apologized. Not long after that, my mother called and chewed me out. Aren’t they taking this too far? I was just trying to be funny. It’s not like I told a dead baby joke!

—Learn to Laugh!

Dear Learn to Laugh,

Your sister is still in the delicate postpartum period, during which emotions can run high. In a state like that, the idea of your sweet little angel growing up to resent you may be a little much to handle—or at least it was for her. I would imagine that your other relatives are simply being sensitive to her emotional state, even if it feels like a bit of an overreaction. I’ll be honest: As the parent of a child at the age where she sometimes seems to hate seeing me, I don’t find anything funny about it. The easiest thing to do in this situation would be to simply apologize to your sister. Let her know that you were just being silly and didn’t mean any harm. Be particularly mindful of her feelings over the next few months (really, the next year); her life has changed drastically, and what may seem small to you may be hurtful to her.

Comments

[cereta]

The fact that another sibling seemed primed and ready to escort LW out the door tells me that this is not the first time LW has made an ill-timed/worded/conceived "joke," nor the first time that they have used "Jeez, I was just kidding!" to cover a thoughtless remark. I have two siblings who pull this crap all the time, and I only wish my parent had my back the way LW's has Marissa's.

[violet_pencil]

Yeah. There's *FOUR* people in this story who took this "silly comment" VERY seriously-- first Marissa, then the younger sister, Marissa's husband, and their mom. There's no one on "Learn to Laugh's" side who's like, "Look, we all know you're the life of the party in this family with your fantastic funny comments, but Marissa is just too hormonal right now to appreciate your great jokes." Basically, it's funny to me that she calls herself "Learn to Laugh" when it seems pretty clear that *she* needs to learn to read the room! This absolutely seems like the last straw in a long history of negative/undercutting comments that *everyone* has noticed.

[matsushima]

If it was only Marissa who seemed upset then, yeah, sure, maybe it was a one-off bad taste joke told at an inappropriate time but if the whole family is coiled to spring when LW says something nasty? then this is not the first time - and, judging by the tone of the letter, it probably won't be the last.

[julian]

Hm. Well. Kind of an anodyne insult joke, but I guess if you're depressed and/or anxious, or have had a confrontational relationship with your sister, it might be offensive. Or anyway, LW's sister was clearly hurt. (And certainly, sisters tend to have histories with each other.)

So, like, apologize, deal, go forward from there. (I do think the triangulation and group communication is a little much. Talk to her/other family members about that once you've apologized, though.)

[cereta]

I admit, I may be over-identifying, but to me, it comes down to this: you said something to someone you ostensibly love that caused them distress. That you didn't intend to do so mitigates the offense,* but a simple, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you." costs you nothing.**

*Once. It does not mitigate repeatedly saying/doing things that you know upset someone, even if you think it's unreasonable/silly/overwrought of them to be upset.***
**I am talking about things like "jokes," comments on appearance, etc, not things like, "I believe fascism is bad." I'm failing on a word for the distinction, but I think y'all know what I mean.
***See "**."

[minoanmiss]

Yeah, I wish the advice had more directly called this out. LW, what do you love more, your jokes that no one else finds funny, or your actual sister?

[julian]

Oh, totally. I a) think LW is burying a lot of The History and is not a reliable narrator, b) that apologizing (for this sort of thing) never hurt anyone and often helps, and c) LW is ridonkulous.

[dissectionist]

Actually, when you apologize, leave out the part about just being silly and not meaning any harm, unless you word it very carefully. “I see now my poor attempt at a joke was hurtful, and I’m sorry” is different than “Sorry, I was just joking and being silly. I didn’t mean anything by it.” The former acknowledges the emotional impact, while the latter reads like a self-defense masquerading as an apology (a “fauxpology”). People - and clearly, specifically, LW - have used “it’s just a joke, why are you getting upset?” too much for “I was joking” to have any place in apologies anymore.

[full_metal_ox]

LW? Your sister is coming to terms with a fundamental life-changing circumstance (particularly if Mariah is her first), as well as recovering from a demanding physical ordeal and in a state of hormonal volatility; right now the last thing she needs is you piling on the specter of future adolescent rebelliousness. Particularly if it comes across as laying a curse, however facetious, on her child; you just turned into the Wicked Fairy At The Christening.

(And Deputy Mom is a common life script for oldest daughters; don’t be surprised if that’s how Mariah turns out.)

[ethelmay]

Also, it's not actually uncommon for parents of newborns to already be worrying a little that their kid might hate them, because newborns are puzzling little critters who often seem unhappy and don't signal emotions in the same way as they will later. And you've just MET each other, and they're kind of preoccupied with learning to eat and poop and get used to clothes and all. It's very fortunate that you also have all the "OMG, the little toesies!" feelings to distract you.

[r_tt_n]

"I was just trying to be funny"
"Learn to Laugh!"

LW sounds insufferable lol, I'm glad the rest of the family have Marissa's back

[michelel72]

Absolutely. This LW is 100% Can't You Take A Joke.

(Weirdly, Ask a Manager recently reran a column asking whether you can "use dark humor" at work, and the example jokes made were both dead-baby jokes, so the protest here that "It’s not like I told a dead baby joke!" has me idly wondering if it's the same LW, lol.)

[teaotter]

I hate this advice. It's close kin to "sister is too hormonal to deserve respect."

[minoanmiss]

I dunno, it was better than, "you're right, stick to your guns, your sister is currently hormonal and overreacting, in a year or twelve she'll apologize to YOU". It may have landed a bit heavily on the hormonal explanation but I think it was worth pointing that out.

[full_metal_ox]

I guess that I took it as, “postpartum brain deserves respectful dealings as a pretty commonplace part of the human psychological spectrum, and nobody else is listening to your laugh track.”

[teaotter]

It's true, the advice could've been worse.

[conuly]

LW knows what they need to do. The fact that they refuse to do it speaks volumes about their character.