Care and Feeding: I made a bad joke about my sister's baby

[cereta]

Link.

Dear Care and Feeding,

A couple of weeks ago, I paid a visit to my older sister “Marissa” and her 2-month-old daughter “Mariah.” When Marissa commented how much of an angel my niece was, I jokingly replied that she’d better enjoy it now because by the time Mariah turns 12, she’s going to hate the sight of her. Then all hell broke loose.

She broke down crying! My younger sister, who was also there, got up and practically shoved me out the front door! Later, I got a text from my brother-in-law saying that I was not welcome at their house until I apologized. Not long after that, my mother called and chewed me out. Aren’t they taking this too far? I was just trying to be funny. It’s not like I told a dead baby joke!

—Learn to Laugh!

Dear Learn to Laugh,

Your sister is still in the delicate postpartum period, during which emotions can run high. In a state like that, the idea of your sweet little angel growing up to resent you may be a little much to handle—or at least it was for her. I would imagine that your other relatives are simply being sensitive to her emotional state, even if it feels like a bit of an overreaction. I’ll be honest: As the parent of a child at the age where she sometimes seems to hate seeing me, I don’t find anything funny about it. The easiest thing to do in this situation would be to simply apologize to your sister. Let her know that you were just being silly and didn’t mean any harm. Be particularly mindful of her feelings over the next few months (really, the next year); her life has changed drastically, and what may seem small to you may be hurtful to her.

Comments

[cereta]

The fact that another sibling seemed primed and ready to escort LW out the door tells me that this is not the first time LW has made an ill-timed/worded/conceived "joke," nor the first time that they have used "Jeez, I was just kidding!" to cover a thoughtless remark. I have two siblings who pull this crap all the time, and I only wish my parent had my back the way LW's has Marissa's.

[julian]

Hm. Well. Kind of an anodyne insult joke, but I guess if you're depressed and/or anxious, or have had a confrontational relationship with your sister, it might be offensive. Or anyway, LW's sister was clearly hurt. (And certainly, sisters tend to have histories with each other.)

So, like, apologize, deal, go forward from there. (I do think the triangulation and group communication is a little much. Talk to her/other family members about that once you've apologized, though.)

[dissectionist]

Actually, when you apologize, leave out the part about just being silly and not meaning any harm, unless you word it very carefully. “I see now my poor attempt at a joke was hurtful, and I’m sorry” is different than “Sorry, I was just joking and being silly. I didn’t mean anything by it.” The former acknowledges the emotional impact, while the latter reads like a self-defense masquerading as an apology (a “fauxpology”). People - and clearly, specifically, LW - have used “it’s just a joke, why are you getting upset?” too much for “I was joking” to have any place in apologies anymore.

[full_metal_ox]

LW? Your sister is coming to terms with a fundamental life-changing circumstance (particularly if Mariah is her first), as well as recovering from a demanding physical ordeal and in a state of hormonal volatility; right now the last thing she needs is you piling on the specter of future adolescent rebelliousness. Particularly if it comes across as laying a curse, however facetious, on her child; you just turned into the Wicked Fairy At The Christening.

(And Deputy Mom is a common life script for oldest daughters; don’t be surprised if that’s how Mariah turns out.)

[r_tt_n]

"I was just trying to be funny"
"Learn to Laugh!"

LW sounds insufferable lol, I'm glad the rest of the family have Marissa's back

[teaotter]

I hate this advice. It's close kin to "sister is too hormonal to deserve respect."

[conuly]

LW knows what they need to do. The fact that they refuse to do it speaks volumes about their character.