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Dear Prudence: Whole Office Pushing Guy to Ask Me Out; I'm Not Interested
Q. Not my type: My older co-worker has a “puppy crush” on me. This is encouraged by our office matriarchs. The sexual desire on my part is nil. I don’t want to hurt him, but I spent most of high school and college dating one guy. I usually use the “I have a boyfriend” line to ward off unwanted advances, but we broke up over the pandemic. I don’t want to hurt my co-worker. He is generally a good guy, but the older ladies in the office are all invested in us like we’re in a Hallmark movie. It is creepy. I have turned him down twice, and they tell him “third time is the charm” and try to cheer him on and wear me down.
In an attempt to dampen this, I told one lady that he wasn’t my type. She then interrogated me. I admitted stupidly I didn’t find him attractive, and she called me “selfish and shallow.” Now they have all piled on me about how “looks aren’t everything.” He is 29 to my 21. I need this job. I have loans. I don’t know how to deal with this short of screaming in the middle of the office “I DON’T WANT TO SLEEP WITH HIM.” I know this is stupid, but I feel like I am being hunted. Can you help me not blow this up in my face? He is generally a good guy, but every time I let him down gently, these ladies take it like a challenge.
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A: Oh my God, this might be the most dysfunctional workplace I’ve come across yet—and that’s saying something for this column. I am so, so sorry you have been put in this absolutely untenable and horrifying position. Please don’t blame yourself for “stupidly” admitting you weren’t attracted to your co-worker, because you are being sexually harassed by every other member of your office. This older man who’s trying to force you to accept his advances by sending in female colleagues to wear you down is not a “good guy”; he is a creep of the first order and should be fired yesterday. This is shocking, horrifying, and likely actionable.
Please consult an employment lawyer before doing anything like going to HR or reporting this to management, because an office atmosphere this toxic—there, I said it! Finally an opportunity to call something toxic and really mean it, from the back of my teeth—won’t start and end with a few bad apples. This culture of harassment and violation may very well go all to the top. You will likely have to go to HR at some point, because the company will have to know about this issue in order to be legally responsible (which you really, really need the company to be!). Document everything to the best of your ability—the date, the approximate time, and what happened, like, “Thursday, Oct. 22, Camille told me I was selfish and shallow for refusing to sleep with Bruce, spent the rest of the afternoon trying to convince me to give into his sexual harassment”; this will be useful to bring to your lawyer as you figure out next steps. You are being harassed on a truly terrifying, monumental scale, and you deserve so much more than just “not blow[ing] this up.” In the meantime, tell all of your colleagues who are on the same reporting level as you to never mention this to you again, that the subject is closed, and you do not welcome any further comments or questions on that front.
In an attempt to dampen this, I told one lady that he wasn’t my type. She then interrogated me. I admitted stupidly I didn’t find him attractive, and she called me “selfish and shallow.” Now they have all piled on me about how “looks aren’t everything.” He is 29 to my 21. I need this job. I have loans. I don’t know how to deal with this short of screaming in the middle of the office “I DON’T WANT TO SLEEP WITH HIM.” I know this is stupid, but I feel like I am being hunted. Can you help me not blow this up in my face? He is generally a good guy, but every time I let him down gently, these ladies take it like a challenge.
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A: Oh my God, this might be the most dysfunctional workplace I’ve come across yet—and that’s saying something for this column. I am so, so sorry you have been put in this absolutely untenable and horrifying position. Please don’t blame yourself for “stupidly” admitting you weren’t attracted to your co-worker, because you are being sexually harassed by every other member of your office. This older man who’s trying to force you to accept his advances by sending in female colleagues to wear you down is not a “good guy”; he is a creep of the first order and should be fired yesterday. This is shocking, horrifying, and likely actionable.
Please consult an employment lawyer before doing anything like going to HR or reporting this to management, because an office atmosphere this toxic—there, I said it! Finally an opportunity to call something toxic and really mean it, from the back of my teeth—won’t start and end with a few bad apples. This culture of harassment and violation may very well go all to the top. You will likely have to go to HR at some point, because the company will have to know about this issue in order to be legally responsible (which you really, really need the company to be!). Document everything to the best of your ability—the date, the approximate time, and what happened, like, “Thursday, Oct. 22, Camille told me I was selfish and shallow for refusing to sleep with Bruce, spent the rest of the afternoon trying to convince me to give into his sexual harassment”; this will be useful to bring to your lawyer as you figure out next steps. You are being harassed on a truly terrifying, monumental scale, and you deserve so much more than just “not blow[ing] this up.” In the meantime, tell all of your colleagues who are on the same reporting level as you to never mention this to you again, that the subject is closed, and you do not welcome any further comments or questions on that front.
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